"You get what you pay for, but I just had no intention of living this way." -Counting Crows

Why We're Here...

My husband David and I delivered a stillborn Baby Boy that we loved, and wanted. Our first and only son, Logan, had Down Syndrome. Our daughter's smile is a little light in the darkness. She turned one year old three days after our sweet Logan tip-toed away on January 24, 2009. After 2 1/2 years we found out we were having another baby, whom we affectionatly called Rudy. Just shy of 6 weeks we found out Rudy was Ectopic. Rudy was surgically removed on May 26, 2011 delivering another blow to our already broken hearts.


Logan's Pictures


The 2 photo's that I had retouched by http://www.babyangelpics.com/ were finished today.  All I can do is stare.  There's my baby.  There's my son the way he was meant to look, and not forced to look like unnaturally due to death and early birth.  Gone are the stupid fake flowers covering up half of his face.  Gone is the reddness, the peeling skin, the shinny spots.  Gone.  And left behind is my perfect angel faced baby boy.  I'm speechless.  I'm awed.  I now have a picture that I can print, scrapbook, show off with out the fear of people freaking out.  Pictures that I can look at and see my son for who he was before he died.  I'm thrilled with the results.  I'm not ready to share the photo's just yet though.  I still feel so violently over protective of his memory, perhaps hoarding what little bit of him belongs to me.  But I wanted to tell you all how pleased I am, and how highly I recommend this free service.  Such a thoughtful and wonderful service to offer parents of stillborn children.  That is there catch though.  I do believe that they require the children to have been stillborn.

Its the little things...


The little things. The stupid insignificant things. The ones that shouldn't matter, but now suddenly do. I hate those things. I hate the mountains that are made out of every mole hill. I hate that my heart breaks so easily now days, that I feel so burnt out, so raw, so abused. I hate that it is so easy for people to hurt me, to offend me, to leave me feeling abondoned. I hate that I have to force myself to let my daughter out of my site. I hate that I fear for her life, jump at every bump, scream at every fall, fear every tiny questionable thing. I hate what this has done to me.


Angel Pics


I stubbled across this site today while working on The Dead Baby Club blog.  I was looking for ways to memorialize our children.  Angel Pics is a photo retouching service that allows parents up to two free photo's to be retouched of their stillborn child.  Tears immediately welled up as I realized that my terrible pictures could be fixed.  No stupid fake flowers, no lace, no red skin, no peeling skin...  just a picture of the way he looked, before his birth damaged his fragile skin.  And free!!  Not charging some astronomical amount and taking advantage of the fact that I was in such grief.  And annonymous too.  All done in seconds on my PC.  I uploaded the photo, stated what I wanted changed.  They say its due back to me o nthe 12th.  I'm shaking with anticipation.  Finally, a photo that I won't feel leery about showing people.  Finally my brothers will be able to see what their nephew looked like.  Finally I'll be able to look at my sons face and not be distracted by the phoney weird things they added to the photo.  To look and not see the horror so blatently.  I had to share this.  I am hoping they turn out nicely.  It seems legit.  I'll keep you all posted.

Sparrow Farm Creations Memorial Prints

Songs for Logan


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