The Tree

I bought Logan's tree today.

A Weeping Willow.

Sigh.

I didn't see "this" coming. This ghastly feeling. I was trying to be all business like about it, but before I left the house I was compelled to write in Logan's journal. Very compelled. All I could think of was that I couldn't give my son life...so I gave him a freakin' tree! A TREE!! And the tree that I picked out seems like a cliche...weeping... It has no idea. I get there, and the guy that the city recommended for me to see was someone I knew back in the day. We worked together when I was barely 18, for a short summer. The name rang a bell on the phone, but it was a common name...I knew him the moment I walked through the doors, he recognized me too (so there was no hiding). It threw me off my game. As I explained to him why I was there (they don't sell to the public) I couldn't look him in the eye. It bugged me that I couldn't. Every time I said "memorial tree" or "my son" I looked away. I hate that I couldn't look someone in the eye when I was talking about my son. But it was even harder to look someone in the eye who knew me when I was lighter, bubblier, unscathed. He was great about it, did and said all of the appropriate things...it was just weird. I felt like I was dealing with enough, but then for it to be with someone I once knew... It was off. The nice thing was that I trusted his word and judgment on the tree. I couldn't look at the tree's. I kept staring at the root balls, and at the trunks...but I couldn't look up at the "weeping" part of the tree. It took me two weeks to even go pick out the tree... Like I was dreading it. Admitting, again, that my son died.

I feel like being stupid today. Reckless. Good thing I don't know where to go to base jump or parachute or something. I'd love to outrun this sadness. The DH is out with friends after work. Man I wish I was there getting plastered out of my mind! Well, not there...not with people we know. Guess I'll go mow the freakin' yard instead, because after all...life goes on, right?

I should be bleeding

How is it possible to feel such pain and not be bleeding?
I should be bleeding.
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Ugh, what is this feeling!?

Today I feel very weird.

I've noticed this feeling before. It seems to frequent me more often lately. I don't know how to describe it. Jittery? Maybe like I've had too much caffeine (and I haven't). Like any second I'm gonna freak out and turn into a crazy person. I mean REAL crazy. Head bobbing, drool coming out, shaking, mumbling and screaming incoherent things. Maybe an impending sense of doom? Anxious. My heart is racing, like I'm scared. The fight or flight thing. Too much adrenaline? I hate this feeling. It makes me edgy. I feel like I'm twitching. This past weekend was really stressful for me. Too stressful. I think I've developed a tick. Seriously. The left side of my face feels like its pulling. Like it's pulling my mouth down into a half frown. I can't control it. I can't see it. But, I can feel it. That developed on Sunday. My husband half jokingly wondered if i was having a stroke. I'm wondering if I should have it looked at. I can hear this conversation now..."Yeah doc. My face, it pulls down on the left. Like I'm frowning. No. You can't see it, but I feel it. OH! You think I'm a nut ball? OH! I have too much anxiety? It's crazy! My son died." Sigh. I feel like I have the shakes too, only I don't. Is this normal? [She asks half smiling] I feel like a freak lately. Sometimes I feel like I'm going off the deep end. I know that on the outside I appear normal. I know I don't look like someone who's son just died. Not IRL anyhow. But I think my brain is jacked up. I don't like feeling like any minutes something is going to jump out and get me. Or like I'm gonna fly off the deep end and attack someone. I've been trying to exercise to burn some of the anxiety off, but it's just getting more intense lately. It's starting to bug me.

More dead babies...make it stop!!

I'm not a very good blog buddy.

I write my blog for me, and lately I have found that I avoid reading other's blogs. I think it's because I soak up everyone elses grief and add it into my own. I feel like I can barely handle the sorrow I have for my son, much less the sorrow I have for all of the other dead baby mommas and Daddy's. But today I was wandering through blog land. I clicked on a few names of people I didn't recognize who left comments on the usual blogs I visit. I have so many I like to follow that it takes me several hours to read through them all...and that's when I read every day or so. Anyhow, this may sound weird.

I know that I wasn't the last one to have a baby die. I know this in my head, but my heart can't accept it. I am always so dumbfounded when I find someone who is new to this. Like I can not believe that it happened AGAIN! And I find myself having a mental freak out or an internal panic attack and I can hear my brain screaming "WHY!? God!! Aren't you paying attention!? There are babies dying down here!! Do something!" And I want to cuss and scream for all of these families that are having to endure the unfathomable. That's how I think of baby death. Unfathomable. I still, after three plus months, can not wrap my head around it. I don't get it. I don't see how in this day and age there are sick and dying babies. I can't figure out how 50 years ago we put a man on the freaking MOON!! But, science STILL can't keep our babies alive. And every time I find a new dead baby momma I am grieved all over again. I am dumbfounded and speechless. Another one? Seriously? How does this keep happening? We can split atoms. We can split what ever comes of an already split atom. But, we can't prevent baby death.

Mostly lately I've been numb. And he's right...Numb is better. It's better than feeling like a zombie all day. It's better than feeling sick to my stomach all day. It's better than staying up till 4am because I'm afraid of my bed. Numb is better than feeling the pain in it's raw state. But, I know it'll be back. It comes in waves for me. I know that the grief will come crashing in on me and drown me once again. I don't think my DH and I are on the same wave though. He seems more blue than usual. We don't talk about it much. We've talked it to death. What is there left to say? "Hey, our son is still dead!" ... "Yup" ... "Still sucks!" ... "Yup" That's all I have. I wish I could fix it for him. I wish I could say something that would make it better. But, then I'd say it to myself too. It makes me feel just as helpless to see him as it does for him to see me I suppose.

Yesterday my 9 week pregnant girlfriend asked me if I was still going to throw her a baby shower with her mom. She threw one for me. She doesn't have any sisters, and I'm her closest friend. I had to tell her no. I felt like such a jerk. But I'm afraid. I'm a coward. I'm concerned that I'll flip out. I don't want to wreck it for her. I want her to feel free to enjoy her moment to it's fullest. I told her I would come, it would be hard, but I would suck it up because we're friends. I told her once we found out the gender, maybe things will be different. Maybe if she is having a girl it will be easier for me. But a little boy? No. I know that I can not do that. I've tried to buy her Maternity clothes. I had to tell her all of the things she thought I was saving to pass on to her...I was now hoarding. She seems understanding. I hope she is. She is so scared her baby is going to die. She has epilepsy, it happens. She has every right to be scared, and I can't help her not to be. I just try to tell her to hang on to the good that is now, and if something happens to that baby...we'll deal with it when it comes. I'll help her. Sigh. I'm terrified that her baby is going to die. She can probably hear it in my voice. She says to me "I don't feel sick, do you think something is wrong? They can't find the heart beat, I should get an ultrasound. I don't have discharge, do you think something is wrong?" I tell her no. I tell her all pregnancies are different. Everything is normal. But then I tell her if she wants another ultrasound, go get one. That much stress isn't good either. Sigh. I'm sorry that I have to be a reminder to her of the worse case scenario. My other prego friend is avoiding me. I try not to let it hurt my feelings, but it does. I wonder if I would have been scared too? I wonder if I would have avoided a dead baby momma.

I can't get past the feeling that I think people around me feel like I should be moving past this now. It starting to really piss me off. I find myself being very ugly and hateful towards the world these days. I find that I have little tolerance for people and even less patience. I've read that this is normal. I also get very bummed out about the dumbest things. Like right now, I'm waiting for my Twilight book series to arrive in the mail. For days I have genuinely felt sad that I can't go hide in those books. It felt good to be there. It was a relief that I welcomed, to be lost in a fantasy...far far away from my reality. I need a new project, but I don't feel like I have the umph for it. I'm been looking at the lawn. I keep thinking I should do something out there with that. But, I just get down thinking about all of the obstacles...so I never get started. I barely even clean my house anymore. I was never much for that before, but now I am really bad. And worse yet, I care even less. I know that it probably just adds to my husbands blues, but I can't seem to get past the guilt and do anything about it. And I loathe my dog. I mean true blue loathing. That makes me feel bad too. She needs to go. I need to find her another home...but that makes me sad too. I just want to be everything for everyone...and I get so down about it that I end up being nothing for everyone.

Anyhow, Echloe is the newest dead baby momma that I follow. She's about a week in. Swing on over and give her a hug too. She needs a lot right now.

I shouldn't be doing this

I keep thinking of the way things should be. I try not to, but they sneak up on me. Like today when I drove out to our huge mall, if I were the 38 weeks pregnant that I should have been...I wouldn't be driving anywhere that far. And I wouldn't have just gone to pick up my 120 lb lug of a dog from the groomers, since she needs a "lift" getting in the truck. Like when I accepted an invite to a party in June, when I would have declined because I would have had a 1 month old. I keep thinking about how I wouldn't be doing this or I would be doing that. Every time I take an Excedrin for a headache, or a pain pill for something, or eat Feta Cheese or lunch meat. Every time I poor Vodka in my soda. Every time I roll over onto my stomach to sleep. Every time I jump on the elliptical machine. Every time I think..."I shouldn't be doing this."

Just like this blog. I shouldn't be writing a blog about a dead baby.