Posts
I have no intention of turning this into a
"rainbow baby" blog, but there are just some things I need to get
out, and well...now I'm pregnant, so...
Worry. You know, when you're pregnant there are
so many things to worry about. Lump on the fact that you've had a baby die, or
maybe more than one (as in my case), and well...there's a whole lot of
worrying. Not a day goes by that a pregnant post-dead-baby-momma isn't freaked
out about something. I'll be honest though, most days I can pretend everything
is normal. I say pretend because if I sit down and give it much thought, I'll
easily be in a panic and well, frankly, its easier to cope when I avoid and
deny all of the horrors that could or might come my way. Its an exhausting way
to live and it makes it hard to bond with the baby. Sometimes denial and
avoidance aren't such bad things.
Bonding is really hard. You see, I have trouble
with ambivalence during pregnancy for about the first 5 months. I had it with
my daughter (who is living) and again with Logan
Fear. I'm afraid of everything. Most of its
irrational. I'm constantly afraid this baby will die. That the baby will have
some terrible condition. That the doctors will miss something (I have 5). I
fear for my daughters life. I fear for my husbands life. I fear for my own. But
then, I think everyone must have these fears. Maybe mine are just a little
more...pronounced. I fear that I'm not eating enough vegetables, or gaining
enough weight, sleeping on my back too much, using the stairs too much. I'm afraid
of chemicals in my food, in the cleaning products, in the air. I'm afraid that
there is too much stress in my home, and that's bad for the baby. I'm afraid of
preterm labor now that the doctors tell me that I shouldn't be having braxton
hicks this early, and I get them all day long. I'm afraid of the meds I took
early on to combat the plague I got right after I got pregnant. There's just so
much to fear this time that I was "lucky" enough to be ignorant to
before.
Stress. I keep hearing how stress is bad for a
baby. For the most part the stress that I get is from the pregnancy or my five
year old. My five year old is a challenge. There's nothing wrong with
her, she doesn't have special needs and she's not a bad kid. She's head strong.
She argues about everything. She ignores me, and she throws tantrums to rival a
two year old. I love her and thank God for the blessing that she is in this
house every time I pray, but lets not fool ourselves or anyone else...kids are
hard. She is hard. And most days I feel lost on what to do. I even took the
parenting class "Love and Logic". And I'll be honest, I'm the
problem, not her. I made her this way. I mean granted, God gave her a strong
will, but I have been the one that has yet to find a way to tame it and to help
her reel it in. Lately my biggest issue is exhaustion. I'm tired. I'm 36,
overweight, out of shape, perpetually sad, pregnant and I. Am. Tired!
And sometimes I just stare at her. I can't even discipline her sometimes
because I just can't muster up enough energy to deal with it. This morning I
grounded her for the first time. Usually she looses a privilege, sometimes
more. Today I told her she was grounded, and that meant no toys, no friends, no
TV...just chores, all evening. BTW, this elicited a tantrum on a grand scale.
Today I lost my cool. Today I did a lot of screaming. I'm not proud of that. I
hate that. I grew up in a house with a screaming mother and I swore I would
NEVER be that mom. The screaming is stressful, it solves nothing and frankly
usually makes things worse. Today has been a very stressful day. I was cleaning
for the impending visit of my brother and his girl friend, hoping for a grand
announcement of some sort. But then I got word form the GF that my brother has
been committed yet again. My brother is young, only 26, a psyche major (if you
can wrap your head around that!). But he has a lot of demons, a lot of sadness,
a lot of anger and a lot of right to be. BUT, he drinks when those demons show
up, and his drinking negates the affects of his psyche meds (for depression, I
believe). And then he gets stupid. And all we can do is stand in the shadows
and gape in horror at what used to be the worlds sweetest little boy. It makes
me feel helpless. It makes me sad, knowing his demons, knowing I can't do
anything to make them go away, knowing all I can do is stare at the train wreck
that he has become. And I have an immense amount of shame and guilt that I want
to run and hide from him. I want to not know. I want to protect this itty bitty
baby that is growing in me and I want it to be born healthy, and living and normal.
I don't want ANY stress. I feel like I walk a fine line and that it wouldn't
take much to push me into the abyss of grief, and THAT would definitely not be
good for the baby, or anyone else.
Sadness. I feel like I have been perpetually sad
for a little over four years now. Granted, things are way better than they used
to be. And I get that I have a right to be sad, two great reasons really. Their
names are Logan and Rudy. And I knew that this baby wasn't going to take that
sadness away. I did, really. I guess what I wasn't prepared for is the sadness
that this pregnancy would add. I'm sad for this baby now too. I'm sad because
my daughter is aware that babies die, and she prays in class every day for this
baby. I know she is nervous, she's said as much. She's five. She shouldn't have
to fear such things. I'm sad because I can't bring myself to buy anything for
this baby just yet. I'm sad because I'm haunted with thoughts that it could be
too early, what if... I'm sad that this baby has such a gap in age with its
sister, and that it will grow to know about the two other siblings, before
him/her, who died. I'm sad to think that Logan and Rudy had to die in order for
this child to be. I'm sad that I fear a boy, that my dh fears a boy.
Pregnancy post-dead-baby is full of things I
didn't quite expect, and lacking some that I did. And I know in the end this
will all be worth it...if I end up with a living baby. I know that ten years
from now I'll look back with a completely different perspective. But when you're
pregnant everyone expects you to smile and love every minute of it. No one
really knows about the haunts of this reality. People keep saying for me to
have only good thoughts, and that God came through for me. And I just don't get
it people! I am 7 weeks away from the point in which Logan
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