How I pictured my son.

I guess I'm breaking some horrible law or rule or code by posting a picture of some random kid. But I did it. The thing is this little boy is exactly the same age Logan would've been. 15 months or so about now. And, I always pictured Logan looking just like this. Blonde straight hair, blue eyes. Bruiser looking sorts dude. It made me sad. This whole week just sort of sucks. Then I got to see them play together! Because honestly I just needed one more dagger!
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I guess its happy at the park.

What a difference a year makes. This month marks a year since we had this willow planted at the park near our home in memory of Logan. It was such a scrawny tree last year, but this summer it practically exploded. I guess its happy here at the park.
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I'm trying to resume life as if Logan dying didn't change EVERYTHING. But it did.

So. I thought I was pregnant. Sigh. For the first time in about ten months my cycle was 3 days late. I took a test after I was one day late and it was negative, but the test had expired months ago, so I thought maybe it was just too old. I woke up this morning and I just knew I had to be pregnant. Three days is a lot late for me. And I won't lie, I was excited. I was scared too, but the hope and excitement over shadowed the fear. A few hours later I started. Of course I did. Not yesterday when I was still wondering, but today...after I had convinced myself it must be true.

The thing is, we aren't "trying". David isn't ready yet. Sigh. So he was scared, or nervous or whatever. And I think this morning when I passed the news on that I wasn't pregnant he tried to not cheer. But he certainly didn't sound disappointed or sad. I was very sad. I cried and it was weird and awkward, and I quickly hung up. Its hard to be on such extreme opposites on this issue.

I'm trying to be patient. I'm trying to be understanding. I'm trying to not loose hope. I'm trying to not see the future flying at me with the speed of a freight train and the big fat age thing haunting me. I'm trying to shut up that scary voice that says by the time he is ready...I'll be too old and the chances of DS so high it would be stupid to risk it. I'm trying to keep a clear head about the whole thing and be positive and I am trying, I swear I am trying, to be content with what I have now. It just wasn't supposed to be like this. And I'm trying to resume life as if Logan dying didn't change EVERYTHING. But it did. And sometimes that reality is really hard on me.

And today these cycle hormones are my nemesis. And today I am sad all over again for the ones that may never be, because of the one who was...and then so quickly wasn't. And all over again I hate what happened to us. I hate that I am here. I hate that Logan died and I hate that it changed everything and I never got a say in the matter.

Just for laughs

I saw this at the mall today and had to laugh. It also made me think of Aunt Becky over at Mommy Needs a Vodka!
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The Dead Baby Club: Welcoming our new coauthors

The Dead Baby Club: Welcoming our new coauthors: I am pleased to announce the addition of three new coauthors to the DBC blog team. Please welcome Elaine, Amanda and Jess to the DBC Blog team!