October's Secret Garden Meeting

This is the October Version of Carly's Secret Garden Meeting.  You can view that here.

So this meeting we would like to talk about where you are. Where are you at in your grief. Has it been years or just weeks since you lost your baby. How are you feeling. How do you hope you will feel in the future. Have you found any peace at all?

It's been 9 months 1 week and 6 days since Logan died.  I've talked a lot this week about where I think I'm at in the process of grief.  Numb.  Empty.  Nothing.  Uncaring.  I haven't been crying.  I haven't been sitting around moping or wishing.  I haven't anything.  I go through the motions of life and try not to get too involved.  I try not to commit to too much.  Some days I think "Oh I should go do this or that, or visit this person or that."  But I don't follow through.  I don't "want" to do anything.  I think I am still overly sensitive about a lot of things, and it doesn't take much to hurt my feelings, or make me angry.  I feel tightly wound, and ready to shatter.  I'm still having a lot of trouble falling asleep, and then getting out of bed.  But I don't really "feel" anything.  I don't "want" anything.  I want to be left alone.  I want to not exist in this life.

Peace?  Aren't we all still looking for peace?  Does that ever come?  Do I have that to look forward to?  I have moments, little flickers of peace here and there.  My daughter gives me so much of that.  My husband has a hand in that too.  Sometimes I can sit here on my couch and watch him playing with our daughter and I think "Who could possibly want more than this right here?" and then I remember...  And then it makes me sad all over again, and then it makes me guilty for feeling sad for not being content with the daughter that I have.  It's messed up.

I hope in the future I will feel the way I used to feel...pre-dead baby.  But I know that's not likely.  What I am hoping for is that we will be able to move on as a family.  That we will be able to find the courage to try to have another HEALTHY child, a child for its own merrits and not as a replacement.  I hope that I move out of this depression with the passing of the one year mark.  I hope that I don't "ruin" my daughter by smothering here and fearing for her life at every turn.  I hope that a day will come when I don't feel like at any second I'm going to flip out.  But mostly I hope that my dh and I will find healing, forgiveness and sweet thoughts about our son as the fore front of our lives and that I'll be able to raise my daughter with the belief's that I grew up on, and actually do it in a convincing way because I will once again belive them myself.

The Secret Garden (aka Under the Tree)

How do you see or imagine your baby now that you do not him them with you?

I don't. I will always see Logan as a little baby, that died. He will never grow up. He never had a birthday. He was not healthy. I can not see him as a "normal" little boy who grew up. Logan had Down Syndrome, and since I do not know any young children with DS, I can't even imagine how he would be. Logan died because of his DS, which also makes it hard for me to picture him as a living little boy with DS. And I can not see him as a "normal" living boy as he had DS from conception. I do not see him in the wind, in nature, in God, in other babies. I do not see him in my dreams. Logan will always be an enigma to me.

How did the loss of your last pregnancy affect your choices/decisions about the birth of your subsequent pregnancy?

I am not currently pregnant, and there are no plans to become pregnant any time soon. Logan didn't die due to any birth or pregnancy complications, so I don't feel any different about the way I would have birthed him had he survived, nor how I will birth the next one. I would still have a hospital birth, natural, induced or c-section...which ever the doctor thinks is best. The goal would be to have a live, take home baby, so whatever that would take...I'm in. I do know that I will probably be uber-cautious during my pregnancy. But then, I was with my other two pregnancies too.

April's Under the Tree Questions

How long has it been since you lost your child?

Logan died January 24, 2009. 3 months 6 days ago.

Has your grief changed at all?

I don't know. Sometimes it feels like I go through the grief cycle on a constant basis. I think mostly I'm just sad and angry. I'm sad that he died, angry that he had to, and angry that he was sick. I'm angry that people who abuse, murder and neglect their children get to have kids, and yet mine died. I don't get it. I spend a lot of time confused.

Is your life becoming any easier or is it just harder as time passes?

Most days it's easier. I'm trying to accept it. I'm trying to believe that it was for the best. I'm trying to believe that it isn't the end, that I will be able to have more children and that no they won't necessarily have Down Syndrome. I'm starting to struggle with my age. I just turned 32 last week. I know that's not old, but most of the time DS is associated with age and if I can have a child with DS at 31...why not at 33 or 35?? So, my age is really starting to bother me. This next month would have been my due date. I'm starting to dread that a lot, and having two pregnant friends is hard.

How do you feel when you see pregnant women when you are out and about?

Mostly wistful. I'm happy for them, most of them. I'm glad to see that life does go on and that not all babies die. It's tough now, when I see or hear that someone is due when I should have been due. That makes me sad. But a lot of times I contemplate their lives. I mean, maybe she's had a few babies die. Maybe that's her rainbow baby. Maybe her baby is dead already. Maybe her baby is going to die. I certainly don't want to begrudge any woman a child, and I wouldn't wish a dead baby on my greatest enemy. So, I try not to assume that their lives are all sunshine and butterflies, because sadly it could be anything but that.

Whats your therapy in the aftermath of losing your child?

This blog. I find so much comfort reading about other's stories, to see that they feel and say the same things that I do, at least close enough. It makes me feel normal. It makes me feel like I'm grieving the way I should be.

Do you go to counseling?

I've decided that if I don't see a difference by June I'll probably seek out some help.

Do you do artwork or some kind of exercise or do you simply just let yourself be?

I write poetry, I scrapbook, I exercise, I read fantasy books and try to immerse myself in projects.

What helps you?

My greatest help has been this blog. Being able to get the ugliness out, getting encouraging words from others has really helped keep me from drowning. My husband is a great source of strength and comfort for me also. Knowing I am not alone, knowing he understands and knowing that even if he doesn't or can't he is willing to accept my grief the way that it comes. I love him for that.

Under the Tree Questions for March

Do you have a special place in your home for your baby?

No. I have been toying with the idea to do so. At the moment my son is scattered through out the house. His name print from my cousin is in the dining room. His memory box and blanket are sitting in the trunk in my bedroom, but it also spends a lot of time in my scrapbook room. I recently received an Afghan in memory of Logan, I've yet to decide where to keep that. I would like to have a special place for my son, I'm just not sure where to do it, or what I want it to be like.

Do you have any rituals that you perform in memory of your baby?

I used to look at his pictures every night, or touch his blanket on the way to bed. But after a while I began to think it just made me sadder, so I stopped. I guess now I would have to say that my ritual is blogging about my grief.

If you believe in an afterlife, do you receive signs from your baby? Have you ever felt their presence? Do you find them in nature? Do they visit you in your dreams?

I believe in an afterlife. And no. I do not receive signs, feel his presence or see him in nature. I have begged God to give me dreams of my son, but I have yet to receive any.

Do you have a special poem, song, prayer or quote in memory of your baby?

Yes. Several. I wrote my son a poem to go on his cover page of his scrapbook. It reads like this:

"Sweet baby, you tip-toed in and out so quietly, your life but a whisper in this world. Such a tiny hand that left an enormous imprint on this heart. My first son, how quickly we did part. A lifetime of love I have for you, now trapped in this heart that breaks a million times each day. Your eyes; a beauty I’ll never see, your cries; music for no ones ears and your smile is for God alone to enjoy. Sweet baby, you tip-toed in and out so quietly, but your life was no whisper in Mommy’s world."

I also like the verse that my cousin used on his name print from Samuel 12:23 "He shall not return to me...but I shall go to him." And just about every sad love song I hear reminds me of my Logan. Music "speaks" to me. It would be far to hard for me to name them all.

Under the Tree Questions for February

Ok, so I get that I'm pretty late to this, but I like the idea that Carly has and I'd like to participate. So, here's my answer's to February's Under the Tree questions:

How long have you been blogging for?

I started blogging in January '09, four days after my son was born still.

Why did you start?

A friend of mine sent me a link to Certainly Not Cool Enough to Blog. I read Kristen's blog, all four years, in about a week and a half. I thought that it would be very therapeutic for me to write one too. I seem to be able to express myself more on "paper" than when I talk, and I felt like I had a lot to say and no one to say it to.

What do you want from writing?

Relief. Peace. Understanding. I want to feel like I've said my piece, that I've been heard and that there are those out there who "get it". I want to get all of the horror of this tragedy out of me.

Where is safest place for you to share your feelings?

On this blog. I hate feeling vulnerable and open with people face to face. Here in blogland I don't feel like I have to explain myself or risk being judged. And if I am, I don't have to look the assailant in the eye. It makes it easier for me to be honest.

Is there anywhere you feel completely accepted just being however you are really feeling?

Here in blogland. That's one of the great things about being here, we're all anonymous.

Can you recommend any books that you have read that have given you a new insight, hope or courage in this new life you find yourself in?

Empty Arms by Cherokee Isle, the hospital gave it to me and I soaked in every single word. This is the only one I've finished. I am currently reading Elizabeth McCracken's book An Exact Replica of a Figment of my Imagination.

How would you describe yourself before you lost your baby.

This is hard to answer. I always saw myself very differently than I suspect those around me did. I was such a dooms dayer. Pessimistic. Paranoid. But, I laughed a lot and found joy in silly little things. I was a very anxiety ridden person, always worried. I took a lot of things for granted and was pretty selfish and spoiled.

How have you changed, who are you today?

I'm still learning who this new me is. It's only been two months. I don't think I laugh as much. I'm far more paranoid and anxious now, but I find I have little compassion or empathy for the insignificant drama that surrounds me. I have a hard time caring about anything anymore. I feel like my worse fear came true, so now I'm just waiting for the rest to come true too.

How do you think you are coping?

I think I am coping. I don't have suicidal thoughts, I have laughed, I do try to find the joy. Blogging helps me to cope, and reading everyone else's blogs helps me to not feel so isolated.

Do you see any light in this road or is it all dark right now?

It's all pretty dark. I know that I'll survive, and I'll go on with life. But I know it in my head, not my heart. I still cry several times a week. I'm still terrified.

Where do you imagine yourself to be in a years time?

I'd like to be pregnant. I would love to bring more children into this world. I would like to have more happy days than sad days. I would like to be more comfortable with my emotions and feelings about my son and to be able to talk about him with everyone, not just on my blog or with a few outsiders. I would like to find peace about my sons death, and not to live in fear. I would like to be able to remember him with a smile every time I think about him, and not tears and heartache.