Hormones

So I had my OB/Gyn appt today to have a look at my hormones. She drew some blood and the results will be back in about 3 weeks. She says it sounds like they're off. I go in on Monday to have an ultrasound done on my ovaries to check for cysts (PCOS) which could be wrecking havoc on me too. She wants me on birth control for three months. Yazz. Sigh. BIG SIGH. I know we're not planning babies. I know. But what if?? What if he changes his mind and the BC keeps me from getting pregnant for a long time?? Not to mention all of my other issues with birth control, and I have a lot of them. But she swears that it'll help with the depression and all of the other "side effects" of grief and babyloss and the post partum kick in the rear we all get that messes up our hormones. I'm still debating. I don't want to live like this anymore. This depressed hormonal mess if I don't have too. If it's not natural. She says she doesn't think I have any more depression than I "should" and she also said it hasn't been nearly long enough. Apparently seven months isn't long enough to grieve a dead baby. I guess I'm glad a doctor said that. Makes me feel less abnormal. She also said that I could get chromosomal testing done on myself which would give them a better look at the likely hood of having another baby with chromosomal issues. I'm not sure I want that sort of info. And when I told her that we wouldn't do any testing once we conceived because we wouldn't terminate under any circumstance (which seemed to surprise her) she said that she wouldn't recommend extensive testing then. I like her. She was upbeat and funny. When I told her I thought I had excess body odor she said "I don't smell anything" and then she laughed and told me that was a hygiene issue, but she was joking then too and said its just part of getting older. The office is very clean and updated/modern looking, something I couldn't say for my last doctor. I like that too. Makes me feel like they're more up to date in all things, though I know that's a foolish way to feel.

She read Logan's autopsy report. She said that the report's final diagnosis to Logan's demise (since he didn't die from having Down Syndrome) was "etiology uncertain" (which means they are not certain of what caused his actual death). She said she doesn't understand why they wrote that. According to the report Logan's organs shut down. This is what can happen with children who have DS. Everything is retarded. He basically had an overall system failure. No one thing caused his death but a combination of several. SO they couldn't point and say that his heart failed, or that his brain failed, or whatever. It all failed. When I mentioned to her the odds about conceiving another child with DS she said that those were pessimistic odds and that she had never seen nor heard of anyone having two children with DS, but that she herself has had a few patients go on to have "healthy" children post DS. She mentioned a current patient of hers in her late 40's. Her first baby was born around 40 and had DS, her second child born years later was perfectly normal. She even seemed very eager for my DH and I to get back up on the horse and TTC again. That might be the D.O. uber-OB in her talking.

I cried. I wasn't sure if I would or not. I've been having a few ok days lately so I thought I'd be in the clear. Laughable. I was trying to tell her about my face twitching (my tick!) and I burst into tears. She said the twitching was stress (since it comes and goes). And when I told her that I was irritable and argumentative she said "don't you have the right to be so?". Did you hear that hunny??? I have the RIGHT to be a jerk!! LOL! Seriously though, I didn't want to be there. Thankfully there was only 1 pregnant chic I saw in passing. Which is good because if we'd have started talking and she'd have asked questions I don't know that I would have been able to refrain telling her that mine died. Which would have been cruel to her. Monday I go in to get an ultrasound done on my ovaries to make sure there are no cysts. I'm hoping being there with a few pregger chics (who I am sure will be there),the ever familiar ultrasound and the whole process won't ruin me.

The hubster and I and our little muffin are heading to Florence, KY for a few days starting tomorrow. Just a mini-vacation is all. A chance to get away and not just to family or friends houses. To actually GO somewhere. I'm excited. I know he's excited too. It should be a fun few days and I am hoping for the best. If nothing else, I'll appreciate the adventure and chance to get away from everyday ho-humness of life.

New blogs and the same old feelings.

I started another blog. It's a scrapbooking (and other crafty things) blog. I use it to post the LO's I do for Logan and my Daughter, plus anything else I do that I feel like posting. Lately I've been working on stuff for my future SIL's Bridal Shower. This evening though I made a bracelet to honor Logan. I've been planning it for months. Actually, before he was even born, though the design changed considerably afterwards. I made one for my daughter while I was pregnant with her, so I thought it fitting for Logan to have one too. Then he died. And then every decision I ever had to make about him became very tedious and something that had to be thought and re-thought and over analyzed...because after all I have a very limited amount of decision making to do for him and therefor all of them have to be carefully considered...since there won't be any time in the future to make it up to him. I did that with his bracelet too. I'll post the bracelet on my new scrapblog soon.

I have really taken to blogging. I really enjoy it and it gives me something to do, and makes me feel connected. Most of you already know about my diet blog, and the blog for my daughter. Then, of course, there is this blog. My original blog. The only blog I feel safe enough to be who I truly am.

I've been having a "better" week. Though, here I am at almost 3am blogging and unable to sleep. I'm getting tired now though. My mind was reeling when I tried to go to bed with my husband at around 10:30pm. So, an hour later I got back up...and went to make my sons bracelet. I've been doing some urn hunting. So many of you gave me very nice ideas and directed me to urn sites. I have to be honest, urn shopping for my baby is the second saddest thing I've ever done. The first was giving birth to him, after he already died. It's gut wrenching. I do not find peace in it. I feel more like I am picking at a wound that is trying so desperately to heal. It's shameful how this all gets drug out. Like the grief of a dead baby isn't enough, lets see how long we can keep picking at it. Like last week, Logan's autopsy report came in the mail. No explanation of it, just one sheet of medical stuff where the only thing I understood was short thumbs and hydrops. Oh, and a nice little sticky note from my former idiot doctor who said if I had any questions I could call. Nice. It would have been one thing for the report to have come straight from UofM in the mail...but from my actual doctor? Seems to me he should have called me. Just one more kick in the teeth.

Logan's tree is still not in the ground. I know he said at least three weeks, and I can't remember when we met so it might just now be three weeks...but come on!! Plant it already! I drive past the park every time I am in the car, just to check.

I can't believe summer is here. Winter was so long and horrible, and I wanted desperately for it to be over with. Its all starting to seem like a distant nightmare now. Oh, other than the gash in my heart. I hate knowing that will never go away. I hate knowing that I will forever pause to think of my son at the most mundane things...pregnant bellies, strangers babies, clearanced boys clothing, a blue onesie, the name Logan... forever they will jump out at me when I am trying to have a "normal" life, and forever they will remind me that no, my life is not normal. It will never be "normal" again. I don't think the people in my real life get that. I'm starting to hear things like "time heals all wounds" and what not. I don't buy it though. I don't think this wound will ever heal. It may close, and on occasion open back up, instead of being a gaping hole all of the time. But I think it will always be a "living scar". That's what my mom calls a scar that has "feeling" in it. Live nerves or whatever. You know, because most scar tissue has no feeling. This one will forever itch and burn and be tender. It will forever feel, and forever make me aware of the damage that my heart, my soul, has endured. I have spent my entire life avoiding unpleasant things. I can not avoid this, and unpleasant is the understatement of the millennium! But, admittedly, the tears come less frequent and last for a shorter time. Other than urn shopping, I haven't had a total breakdown in a while. I'm relieved for that. Maybe it means I'm learning to live with this, coping, finding my new normal. But every parent I meet who is new to this club rips my wound wide open again. And I still can not fathom that babies die. I still can not fathom that 1/3 of conceptions never become born children. It is inconceivable to me! We can walk on the moon, we can text message, we can cook food with waves, we have television and radio and every other cool technology that we have...but we can't stop stillbirths and miscarriages or SIDS.

I went to Babies R Us with my newly pregnant friend to try to help her register for the baby shower I had to tell her I could not be a part of throwing. It was my idea, the store. I thought I could help her see what she would need, and not bother with the dumbs stuff she'd end up returning. Being at the store was easy. I've grown very numb towards that store. But I'm pointing at things and we're checking out all of these new gadgets that they didn't even have 2 years ago when I registered for my daughters stuff. There was this one gadget, electronic and therefore I was drawn to it like a moth to a flame. And I picked it up and was analyzing it trying to figure out what sort of timer it was (another nursing timer perhaps?) and I realized it was a kick counter. And slapped on the front was a nice sticker that read "helps prevent stillbirths!" And I wanted to scream. I wanted to walk up to the manager and tell him that was a load of crap! They should pull that off of their shelves, they should tell the manufacture that you CAN'T prevent a stillbirth!! And how dare they put that on the package. And how dare they scare new mommies who are oblivious to this horror?! HOW DARE THEY!! But My friend and I just gasped, and we stared at it...and then I put it down and told her NOT to buy that. But you know what? If I ever get pregnant again...I'm buying it. Because though I know it wouldn't have prevented Logan's death, I would have liked to have known when he died. I would have liked to have said...this was my sons last kick. This was the goodbye kick. This was when I could have held my belly and told my son goodbye. This is when I could have whispered to him all of the things I so wanted to tell him, and had no idea it was too late. I wanted to know when my son left me. I don't want a guess. I don't want a two day period. I want an exact moment. But really, I just want my chance to say goodbye back. And if that stupid little counter could offer me that the next time, I'll buy it.

Yeah. Having a dead baby will make you insane. Where's that sticker??

Policy Change at U of M

The letter came today. The one from U of M telling me that they changed their policy about returning the ashes of donated babies (I didn't realize I had donated him). The one asking me if I wanted my child's ashes back. The one with the request for my address so that they could send him home via registered mail. I filled it out. Yes, I want his ashes returned. The letter will be in the mail tomorrow! That will be an interesting surprise in the mail the day my son is "sent" home. I wonder how I'll react to that? My husband found the letter in the mail. He "filtered" it for me. It's probably a good thing I didn't see that earlier today when I was having a melt down. I probably would have thought it was Logan's autopsy report and never opened it and cried even longer and harder than I already was just because it had come. This is so surreal to me. My son is going through the USPS. The postal system. What if they loose him? What if they damage him? You can't "insure" something like that. I guess that's the "registered" part of it. Nothing about any of this dead baby mess is normal or makes any sense. It's all very Sci-fi like. I wonder if that means he's "done". I had to respond before August, so I guess that means I'll have him by then at least. Sigh. I hope I made the "right" decision for us. I'm still not sure. I'm still not sure that I want him here, or in his own place. I just don't know. I'm so afraid I'll regret it if I leave him at U of M with the other babies. I'm so afraid I'll regret it if I bring him home. What will I do with him? What will seem less crazy or weird to me? My instinct is to have him here, to carry him around, to show him to people. Yes. That is so weird and crazy sounding. I know that. I feel like the crazy lady (or ape) who refuses to accept that her baby is dead and instead walks around singing to the dead baby and swaddling him like he is alive. Some days I feel insane. Some days I wish I was. This is such a weird spot to be. I shouldn't be deciding these things. I'm a young mommy with young children... I shouldn't be burying a child. I'm glad to be given the option for his return, but it has opened up an entirely new field of questions, concerns, worries, stress and emotions. But, I'm still glad. I don't know. Maybe I'll hold onto the form for a little bit. Maybe I'll mull it over some more. What if I loose the form? :s