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I'm turning 35 this weekend. Sigh. I hate my birthday. I don't know why Logan's death has had such a profound impact on the way I feel about my birthday, but it has. Maybe its that whole getting older thing. Three plus years ago, when Logan was conceived, my ovaries spit out a dry shriveled up egg that let my son down. And here I sit, 35 looming like the biggest freight train you have ever imagined, and its barreling down the tracks at me...carrying my dusty ovaries.
That's what my friends husband calls them. Dusty ovaries. He said this, a few beers loose, to my friend (who is a few months younger than me) the other night. Bastard. And anyways, who's he to talk...more than a decade older than us with his wrinkly old balls!! [Enter Adam Sandler]
So every year, around this time, I get ugly. I stomp around and snap at everyone. I hate everything. I overindulge on everything from sugar and fat to booze and TV. Coincidently this turns me into a real bear the week after my birthday when I jump on the scale and see that, YUP, I'm still fat! I guess that the only difference this year makes is that I am now aware of why I am being such a jerk to everyone around me.
Sigh. I hate the time that has lapsed. I hate the years that continue to move me further away from the memory of my son. The faint, dream of a son, that I had so briefly.
11 years ago
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1 comments:
Sweetie, as you know, I'm 44 and since hitting 40 my dusty old ovaries have managed to make (with a little help from a dusty sperm or two) two little boys, one of whom is still growing strong in my dusty old uterus and one little poppet who left us for any of the millions of reasons that one in three pregnancies have for ending early.
35 isn't the end. It isn't easy but it doesn't have to be over!
So please do try to have a happy birthday and after you've treated yourself to an obscenely huge piece of cake and a celebratory drink cut down on the sugar, fat and booze! They won't make you feel better and are more of a hindrance if you want to make another baby!
Love and hugs. xxx
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