Knocked Up, Knocked Down - Monica Murphy LeMoine

This is Monica's book. She blogs about her miscarriages/stillbirth and subsequent real live take home baby over at Knocked Up, Knocked Down. Which is where you can also order her book by the same name. Its a great read, full of her typical satire and foul mouthed outlook on the land of dead babies and what it means to be a "Half-Mom". Seriously, check it out.

The new look

Well I'm finally finished with the new look here. I hope it all is easy to see and navigate. If you notice any issues please don't hesitate to let me know. Thanks.

My latest obsession

You know what "they" say...

So, this is my latest obsession or project or whatever you want to call it. And thanks to Emily, I've been able to stay pretty occupied lately. This is a name sculpture I made for my daughter.

When I made it I was just bored and didn't have a real plan in mind. But then it turned out pretty nice, so I thought why not whore myself out?? It gives me a creative outlet, and a few extra bucks...to help pay for my other creative outlets! :)

This one is probably my favorite. I did this one at Emily's request also. You can see all of the latest ones I've done on my scrapping blog here, or you can go see them in my Etsy store here. I thought they all turned out pretty cool and thought I would brag a bit. ;) Hope ya'll don't mind!

Oh, and about the mess that is this blog...I'll get working on cleaning it up ASAP! Sorry.

Babyloss Momma Theme Song!

Monica over at KuKd (Knocked Up, Knocked Down) wrote and recorded a "theme song" for babyloss momma's that I thought was great and had to share! Click here to go to her blog to hear the song!

A Slideshow for Logan

I've added a slideshow of the pictures I've uploaded to this blog since the beginning. Maybe a few extra's. Enjoy.

I Resolve

I stole this from Mary.


"I RESOLVE"

THAT I WILL GRIEVE AS MUCH AND FOR AS LONG AS I FEEL LIKE GRIEVING, AND THAT I WILL NOT LET OTHERS PUT A TIMETABLE ON MY GRIEF.

THAT I WILL GRIEVE IN WHATEVER WAY I FEEL LIKE GRIEVING, AND I WILL IGNORE THOSE WHO TRY TO TELL ME WHAT I SHOULD OR SHOULD NOT BE FEELING AND HOW I SHOULD OR SHOULD NOT BE BEHAVING.

THAT I WILL CRY WHENEVER AND WHEREVER I FEEL LIKE CRYING, AND THAT I WILL NOT HOLD BACK MY TEARS JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE ELSE FEELS I SHOULD BE "BRAVE" OR "GETTING BETTER" OR "HEALING BY NOW".

THAT I WILL TALK ABOUT MY CHILD AS OFTEN AS I WANT TO, AND THAT I WILL NOT LET OTHERS TURN ME OFF JUST BECAUSE THEY CAN'T DEAL WITH THEIR OWN FEELINGS.

THAT I WILL NOT EXPECT FAMILY AND FRIENDS TO KNOW HOW I FEEL, UNDERSTANDING THAT ONE WHO HAS NOT LOST A CHILD CANNOT POSSIBLY KNOW HOW I FEEL.

THAT I WILL NOT BLAME MYSELF FOR MY CHILD'S DEATH, AND I WILL CONSTATLY REMIND MYSELF THAT I DID THE BEST JOB OF PARENTING I COULD POSSIBLY HAVE DONE. BUT, WHEN FEELINGS OF GUILT ARE OVERWHELMING, I WILL REMIND MYSELF THAT THIS IS NORMAL PART OF THE GRIEF PROCESS AND IT WILL PASS.

THAT I WILL NOT BE AFRAID OR ASHAMED TO SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP IF I FEEL IT IS NECESSARY.

THAT I WILL COMMUNE WITH MY CHILD AT LEAST ONCE A DAY IN WHATEVER WAY FEELS COMFORTABLE AND NATURAL TO ME, AND THAT I WON'T FEEL COMPELLED TO EXPLAIN THIS COMMUNION TO OTHERS OR TO JUSTIFY OR EVEN DISCUSS IT WITH THEM.

THAT I WILL TRY TO EAT, SLEEP, AND EXERCISE EVERY DAY IN ORDER TO GIVE MY BODY STRENGTH IT WILL NEED TO HELP ME COPE WITH MY GRIEF.

TO KNOW THAT I WILL HEAL, EVEN THOUGH IT WILL TAKE A LONG TIME.

TO LET MYSELF HEAL AND NOT FEEL GUILTY ABOUT FEELING BETTER.

TO REMIND MYSELF THAT THE GRIEF PROCESS IS CIRCUITOUS~THAT IS, I WILL NOT MAKE STEADY UPWARD PROGRESS. AND WHEN I FIND MYSELF SLIPPING BACK INTO THE OLD MOODS OF DESPAIR AND DEPRESSION, I WILL TELL MYSELF THAT "SLIPPING BACKWARD" IS ALSO A NORMAL PART OF THE GRIEF PROCESS AND THESE MOODS, TOO, WILL PASS.

TO TRY TO BE HAPPY ABOUT SOMETHING FOR SOME PART OF EVERY DAY, KNOWING THAT AT FIRST, I MAY HAVE TO FORCE MYSELF TO THINK CHEEFUL THOUGHTS SO EVENTUALLY THEY CAN BECOME A HABIT.

THAT I WILL REACH OUT AT TIMES AND TRY TO HELP SOMEONE ELSE, KNOWING THAT HELPING OTHERS WILL HELP ME TO GET OVER MY DEPRESSION.

THAT EVEN THOUGH MY CHILD IS DEAD, I WILL OPT FOR LIFE, KNOWING THAT IS WHAT MY CHILD WOULD WANT ME TO DO.

My new button

So I finally decided to try my hand at making a button.  Here's the graphic I decided to use.  I'll be changing the look around here for the next little while, so please excuse the "dust".

If you'd like to "grab" my button, you can find the code on the right sidebar.

Poop and Taco Sauce

You would not believe what happened to me yesterday evening. I'm convinced I was trying to put myself in the looney bin. It was like one crazy thing after another.

I'll start with the poop. POOP? Yup, poop.

My 21 month old is learning to go poopies in the big potty. So, being that we had a successful event the night before, when she said she had to go "ca ca" (not a word I taught her!! Thanks Grandma!) I took her seriusly and we ran into the bath room and whipped her diaper off (whipped being the key word here) and practically tossed her on the potty. My dh came sauntering in. Its a family affair. I mentioned "Hey, I smell poop already!" to which he pointed at the turd on the floor. Oops!! Must've flung that there when I whipped that diaper off. He commented that is was a good thing he didn't step on it. Then I noticed that SOMEBODY had! Clearly, there was smooshed turdness going on. I grabbed the muffins foot and sure enough! Poop. Poop on my sweet darlin's foot. Not that her baby foot hasn't seen a poo or two in its short little life. But it totally freaked her out! She was so bummed she started to cry. Daddy swooped in for the rescue and whisked her little booty up onto the sink and counter to wash her foot off before she had a total melt down. And believe me, it was on its way! But before I could scream out about the poo on her bottom...ugh. Smeared on the bathroom counter (not to mention the little potty seat where it smeared itself upon the rescue mission). Oh, and did I mention that all the while this is going on I am trying to eat a melting, sticky Skinny Cow Ice Cream Sandwich!!?? I couldn't set it down in the bathroom, I didn't think about setting it down in my panicked rush to get the muffin to the potty...and I couldn't manage to eat it fast enough! Sadly, I don't remember how it tasted. But then, maybe that's a good thing. I'd hate to associate the taste of an ice cream sandwhich with POOP! Although, that could do wonders for my diet.

Now, this little slice of my own personal heaven came in the face of a dinner disaster just minutes before. I made taco's for dinner. Nothing fancy, just taco's. It was a harried event though. I didn't even start them until my dh walked through the door after 5pm (which involved a previous poopy event), I had the shakes from being so hungry, the muffin was in tears from hunger, the dog...oh don't even get me started on the beast! Anyhow, we were all a little frazzled, cranky, and ready to cry. First off I used skunky cheese in teh beans and on my dh's taco's. Luckily he caught the horrid wiff before I ruined my own. But being that I have a "thing" about hot food (something I clearly picked up from my mother) I was destined to a dinner of soggy, cold food. It's part of being a mom. So, I remade the dh's taco's. Then, I sit down to my now cold taco's. I put the taco sauce, that I thought I alone used, on the table as dinner was starting. Weary, blurry eyed I sat down to eat, grabbed the bottle of sauce and gave it a really good shake. Three to be exact. And sat there frozen in shock as I realized that the taco sauce now covered my face, hair, shirt and jeans...not to mention the table, chair and floor. I'm shocked it wasn't on the wall...or the muffin for that matter. I actually laughed. More like hysterics I suppose. That point you reach that if you don't laugh...some one is sure to die. Sigh. My dh was so sweet and cleaned up the floor while I cleaned off my face.

Mind you, this all happened on one of my "rough" days

Waking Up (New Moon)

Time Passes.  Even when it seems impossible.  Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise.  It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls.  But pass it does.

Even for me.

Thats from Chapter Four of New Moon (Book 2 in the Twilight Saga).  It struck a nerve with me today and I found myself nodding my head.

Movie Quote

I watched Into the Wild tonight. It's not a feel good movie, but it didn't make me cry or sad. I think I found it to be more ironic. Help arrived, just a little too late. Seems familiar around here. I have found lately that I find "drama" on TV and in Movies to be laughable. Literally. I laugh. There may be something wrong with me. It could be my sinister evil twin. Anyhow, in the middle of the movie, the sister, who is narrating, says this:

And I fear for the mother in her. Instincts that seem to sense the threat of a loss so huge and irrevocable that the mind balks at taking its measure.

I almost choked. First, let me explain. To balk at something means to stop short and stubbornly refuse to go on. To take measure of something means to assess or appraise. And this is exactly how I feel. My mind does stop short of assessing itself and the damage to my emotional state that was forced into existence the day my sweet baby boy died. Because perhaps if I realized, put into a measurable term, just how much damage there really is...well then, maybe I would realize there isn't any point to the world continuing as I know it. One more way nature protects us from ourselves I suppose.

God's Opinion

"A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on." -Carl Sandburg

So then can I assume, since the baby died, that it's God's opinion that the world should not go on?

It shouldn't.

But then, that's just my opinion.

What the!? Is that a light I see??

I just thought I'd post and let everyone know that I am doing better this week and seem to have come out of my latest pit. The comments and encouragement I receive on this blog help me in a way that is incomprehensible. I'm not alone. I'm not crazy. I'm not going to die. I know that because of all of the wonderful people here in babyloss blogland who help to keep my head from going completely under. Thanks you guys.

Even Mike Tyson "gets it" now!

I'm not a fan, but I saw this on Yahoo.com this evening. Mike Tyson's 4 year old daughter died. She was strangled by the treadmill cord at home, on accident. It's sickening. Children should not die!

Random BS!

This random "inspirational" quote appeared on my diet blog today...

Whatever you vividly imagine,
ardently desire,
sincerely believe,
and enthusiastically act upon...
must inevitably come to pass!
-Paul J. Meyer

...if only that were true.

.

DEAL WITH IT!!!

Ok, so I feel like God, or the universe or whatever is telling me to deal with stuff lately. I run, I hide, I avoid conflict, confrontations, and uncomfortable situations at any and all costs. But today my friend of 22 years calls me...

"You're mad at me..."

(Me) "...Uh..." {Ah crap!!}

Anyhow, so we had to talk about it. I hate talking about it. I tried to be honest. What was the point of denying it? Apparently she knew. It's not that I was mad at her, I wasn't. I was more sad. Sad that our friendship had become what it was. Shallow. Vague. Barely, if at all. Angry at her past decisions; that I know don't have a thing to do with me, but that I can't deal with, that I can't understand. I didn't delve as deep as perhaps I should have, I just couldn't deal with more. And I know it was so hard for her to confront me. She's a lot like me. We avoid. I didn't tell her that I feel like I want more from the friendship than she does. That sometimes I feel like the obnoxious puppy who is begging for love and attention. I didn't tell her that she literally broke my heart last summer when she cancelled the much anticipated plans for her "real" visit, and for the first time ever...made me cry, and cry I did...a lot. I didn't tell her that I don't feel important to her since she rarely ever visits me (usually because she can't afford it, or the car, or her husband, or the kids, or, or, or...) but is coming for a convention this weekend...but then only staying the night. At least she is coming. I didn't tell her that I feel like I annoy her and embarrass her in front of her other friends. I didn't tell her that when we went to Indy I was miserable and felt so out of place amongst her and her other friends because she acted so phony, and I didn't know who that person was. I didn't tell her that she made me feel stupid and in the way that weekend. I didn't tell her that I was jealous of her attention to her other friends and how she seemed to want them to like her more than she wanted me to like her. I didn't tell her that I feel like an imposition on her life, an inconvenience. I didn't tell her that she gets lumped in with everyone else and the unloved feelings I have. I should have told her I suppose. But I guess deep down I know I'm probably not what or who she needs from me either. I wasn't there for her when she was clawing her way through her own darkness. I didn't get it. I couldn't relate. I didn't really even try. I have a lot of guilt over that, it makes me sad that we couldn't be there for each other. It makes me sad that there is such a shallow element to our very long friendship. I know she doesn't mean to hurt me. I know she would cry a thousand tears if she did know. But quiet honestly its like with everyone else in my life. I want them to want to love me on their own accord, I don't want to continually beg to be loved. Because then when it isn't given, even after you ask for it, well...that's just a little too much rejection. I can't handle anymore disappointments right now. And if I would have told her all of those things, and they didn't change, well...I would hurt more than I do now, and I just don't want any more sadness. I hate that we had to have a conversation at all. I wish we could have just gone on the way we were. I'm afraid this will be a weird thing between us now. I said things that needed to be said, things I'm sure she already thought...but they made me feel ugly. I wasn't mean, I was just trying to explain my self to her. I wasn't trying to point fingers or blame or make her feel like a piece of crap, but I'm sure it stung. I'm sure she cried this evening. I'm sure she has a mouthful of things she'd like to say to me. It makes me sad. People get so self involved with their own lives, often times they don't look to see what they're doing to others...whilst they are quick to point out what others are doing to them. I'm trying not to be like that. I'm trying to understand that where I am right now...it's an ugly spot, and no one wants to join me there. I can't expect her to join me here when I wasn't in her ugly spot with her. I just acted like it wasn't there. I didn't get it either. That makes me sad. I want a deep friendship. I want to know that when I need her she'll come running, with out me asking. I'd like to think I would do the same. I felt odd that she didn't come running when Logan died. I guess I expected her to just show up on my doorstep, and when she didn't...it hurt. But then, I didn't do that for her either. I want to feel comfortable crying in front of her, and want her to cry with me, and in front of me. I can count her tears, the serious ones, on one hand. Once when my brother broke her heart, once when I broke her heart, and today. 22 years. 3 tears. I think today was the first time I cried with her. That's sad. She should know me better than anyone. I should know her. But the last ten years... We barely know each other at all. I don't even know if we ever did. We know big ugly secrets. We know family and childhood drama. But I don't think we know each other very well at all anymore. That's sad. It makes me sad. And I think Logan's death just made it all that much more obvious to me. I shouldn't feel weird about telling her my heart is shattered since my son was stolen from me. I shouldn't, but I do. I hate being vulnerable. I've always been the strong friend. Or, at least I thought I was. I hate being heart broken, and I hate letting people know when they've broken it. I hate that much vulnerability. I should have told her all of these things. I should have, but I didn't.

It only hurts when I breathe!

Jason left a comment about my blog yesterday in which he states that he likes my blog title. So, I got to thinking what was the reason for my title? Where did it come from? I remember when I was sitting here trying to think of a title it just popped into my head. It took a split second and when I thought of it I knew it was perfect. So today I decided to search for that phrase online. I'm sure something prompted the title into my head. David and I thought it was a song or something...it sounded vaguely familiar. Turns out, we were right. Shania Twain has a song called "It Only Hurts When I'm Breathing". I'm a country music fan (though admitedly not much of a fan oh her music), so it made sense that I knew this song. I must've heard it around the time I started my blog. Anyhow, I looked it up.
Here are the Lyrics:

Hope life's been good to you since you've been gone.
I'm doin' fine now--I've finally moved on.
It's not so bad--I'm not that sad.


I'm not surprised just how well I survived.
I'm over the worst, and I feel so alive.
I can't complain--I'm free again.


[Chorus:]
And it only hurts when I'm breathing.
My heart only breaks when it's beating.
My dreams only die when I'm dreaming.
So, I hold my breath--to forget.


Don't think I'm lyin' 'round cryin' at night.
There's no need to worry, I'm really all right.
I've never looked back--as a matter of fact.


[Repeat Chorus]


It only hurts when I breathe.
Mmm, no, I've never looked back--as a matter fact
[Repeat Chorus]


Hurts when I'm breathing.
Breaks when it's beating.
Die when I'm dreaming.


It only hurts when I breathe.

So, there you have it. Break up songs. They always fit don't they? The chorus lines anyhow. I thought the chorus of this song fit perfect. I've often felt that if I held my breath... I've added this song to Logan's playlist. If you stick around long enough you'll hear it...or you could just click on the song in the playlist, it'll start playing automatically.

I've changed my name!

Some of you may have noticed that I changed my display name from Icantletitgo to Heather. I changed it mainly because I am an author on a weightloss blog and it didn't make sense to sign my blogs with that name. I also changed it because I want you all to know my name, it's Heather. :) And, I also changed my name because every time I read Icantletitgo it made me sad and I always thought "But, I have to let it go or it will eat me alive!" So, there you have it. From now on my comments and blogs will be signed "Heather". I apologize for any confusion.