"You get what you pay for, but I just had no intention of living this way." -Counting Crows

Why We're Here...

My husband David and I delivered a stillborn Baby Boy that we loved, and wanted. Our first and only son, Logan, had Down Syndrome. Our daughter's smile is a little light in the darkness. She turned one year old three days after our sweet Logan tip-toed away on January 24, 2009. After 2 1/2 years we found out we were having another baby, whom we affectionatly called Rudy. Just shy of 6 weeks we found out Rudy was Ectopic. Rudy was surgically removed on May 26, 2011 delivering another blow to our already broken hearts.

Everything happens for a reason?? Did you just say that?

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Yesterday was by far my hardest day since we got home. David had Jury duty so I spent the morning reading blogs of woman in similar shoes, far worse shoes perhaps, and waddling in my self pity. Bed time seems to be the hardest time. I couldn’t shake it last night. I lay in David’s arms and cried my eyes out for what seemed like hours.

I’m tired of hearing “everything happens for a reason” and crap about God.

This morning we took Aubrey in for her well baby and OF COURSE there was a woman in there with a baby boy. It hasn’t even been a week since Logan died. You’d think God would give me at least a week of some sort of peace!

On a funny note, Aubrey thinks it’s hilarious when I bawl, which cracks me up. Her smiles and David’s love are the only lights I have right now.

David and his mother went through Logan’s memory box this evening. I’m concerned about them seeing his pictures. Even David hasn’t seen them yet. They’re so hoaky. They posed him with props and tried so hard to make him look like a live baby. I wish I had taken pictures on my own, but who thinks of that sort of thing? I wanted to remember his back, and his belly and his elbows…


Emily said...

I want you to know I'm sending you a hug right now, and then I'm leaving to go to the hospital to pick up Leila's pictures. Your journey is helping me get through this. My hope for you is that you start to feel some peace about Logan's short life, and that God continues to provide the strength you need to get from one day to the next.

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