"You get what you pay for, but I just had no intention of living this way." -Counting Crows

Why We're Here...

My husband David and I delivered a stillborn Baby Boy that we loved, and wanted. Our first and only son, Logan, had Down Syndrome. Our daughter's smile is a little light in the darkness. She turned one year old three days after our sweet Logan tip-toed away on January 24, 2009. After 2 1/2 years we found out we were having another baby, whom we affectionatly called Rudy. Just shy of 6 weeks we found out Rudy was Ectopic. Rudy was surgically removed on May 26, 2011 delivering another blow to our already broken hearts.

I lied.

I lied. Everyday get's worse. For a brief moment I thought that it was getting better, but it's not. I either cry, or I ignore it. Today I felt like I was in a daze all day. Nothing made me smile. I cry and I cry and I wonder where the hell all of these tears are stored! I don't know what to do with the horrible pain. I don't know how to process the facts, the memories, the dreams, the nightmare and the soul crushing sorrow that I feel. I don't know what to do with any of it. I cry and I don't even know for what. I just cry and cry and cry. I ache. My soul aches, my body aches. I feel helpless, lifeless and hopeless. My heart breaks every two minutes, over and over and over again. I eat and eat, and still I feel empty and hungry. I'm scared. I'm scared that I won't recover. I'm scared I'll smother my daughter and ruin her. I'm scared that David will die, or Aubrey will die. I'm scared that I might die of a broken heart, literally. My body quakes. My soul feels dead. I have so many other things to live for, to love and to be thankful for. I don't know why I can't accept this. I don't know why it happened, why God stole my son! And I beg and beg and beg, and I know it is fruitless. I am over come with such grief I feel like I am drowning.


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