"You get what you pay for, but I just had no intention of living this way." -Counting Crows

Why We're Here...

My husband David and I delivered a stillborn Baby Boy that we loved, and wanted. Our first and only son, Logan, had Down Syndrome. Our daughter's smile is a little light in the darkness. She turned one year old three days after our sweet Logan tip-toed away on January 24, 2009. After 2 1/2 years we found out we were having another baby, whom we affectionatly called Rudy. Just shy of 6 weeks we found out Rudy was Ectopic. Rudy was surgically removed on May 26, 2011 delivering another blow to our already broken hearts.

January is over

January is finally over. I'm relieved. Today wasn't as bad. I took Aubrey in to wake up daddy this morning. We laid down with him and he said "it's a parent sandwich!" I was over come with sadness when I thought that Logan should also be there. David goes back to work tomorrow. I'm scared to death to be alone. Every time I'm alone, even if he's just in the other room, I totally loose it. Worse yet, it's a really long day because of meetings he has to attend. Everything comes to head at the worse times. I'm worried about him being at work so long too. It has to be hard to go back and face everyone. People who may not have heard. People who mean well but have no idea what they are talking about. Why can't people just say they're sorry? Why do they feel the need to saying weird things like "everything happens for a reason" and what not?


Anonymous said...

I came across your blog while on a forum on facebook. I started reading and when I read this I wanted you to know I felt the exact same way. When my husband went back to work and the kids were in school I was alone for the 1st time in 5 months and that scared me to death. It was a very lonely time for me those first couple of weeks. My daughter was born/died on 12-3-08, so within a few weeks we had Christmas and then the new year. So, there were things that kept me busy. And I was pretty distraught on the new year because it hadn't even been a month since Trina passed, but it was already a new year. I felt like I was leaving her behind already. I had lost my job in September and the only definite thing I thought was in my future was my baby. Now I don't have a job or baby and I felt pretty useless. But I also didn't want to look for a job and go out in the real world and work. Guess it's just another one of my fears. My husband said I could stay home, but realistically that wouldn't be possible with the bills. So, I'm babysitting a little bit and last week I started watching this baby and I had a lot of fun. He is a boy who is 15 months old. He's a cutie! When my hubby got home from work he asked how it went and I told him great (because it did). Then I started to cry. I had fun with somebody else's baby! That was kinda weird, but also kinda healing too. I know what you mean about people saying things to you that they think will help. I wish they'd just say nothing at all. I heard on the radio this morning where they were asking a hypothetical question... if your child was drowning and so was the person who could cure cancer...who would you save? I thought this was a no brainer. But the one radio announcer (who doesn't have children) said he would save the doctor who could cure cancer because he can always have more children. WHAT?!? There is no replacing your child. Now that my child is gone I want nothing more than to save her. I would give anything to do so. It is hard! This is excrutiating. It seems like we're kinda close in this happening to us. So, if you wanna talk more feel free to email me. sebastian020802@aol.com

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