"You get what you pay for, but I just had no intention of living this way." -Counting Crows

Why We're Here...

My husband David and I delivered a stillborn Baby Boy that we loved, and wanted. Our first and only son, Logan, had Down Syndrome. Our daughter's smile is a little light in the darkness. She turned one year old three days after our sweet Logan tip-toed away on January 24, 2009. After 2 1/2 years we found out we were having another baby, whom we affectionatly called Rudy. Just shy of 6 weeks we found out Rudy was Ectopic. Rudy was surgically removed on May 26, 2011 delivering another blow to our already broken hearts.

Exercise and the obvious hole!

Monday, February 16, 2009

I love waking up to sunshine and a child who isn’t crying from her crib. Ugh, I love my daughter, and I love the sound of my daughter…but waking up every morning to crying…it gets old. So, she wasn’t crying this morning, and I got to sleep just a few minutes longer than normal, which I really need right now. Yesterday was a little rough. Off and on all day I was blue. We put Logan’s clothing into storage and folding the tiny boy outfits I picked out special for him just a day or so before he died took its toll on me. Plus, I realized I’d gained 5lbs this week. I am so good at nutrition when I am pregnant, but when I am not…whew! And the last few weeks I just didn’t give a crap. But the 5lbs really bummed me out. I only gained 6lbs while pregnant with Logan, and lost it all after his birth. Anyhow, so today I started exercising again. “They” say its good to start exercising after a loss. It releases endorphins or whatever. So, I’m giving it a shot. And of course, since I’m going to exercise, no point in undoing the physical benefits with junk food, so I’m gonna stop eating like an idiot. Besides, I would like to be in good shape if and when I am able to ever start trying to conceive again. And my daughter needs me to be healthy, mentally and physically so that I can keep up with her and be the mom that she deserves. And don’t get me started on my hubby. LORD!! The man started loosing weight last May and is a force to be reckoned with. Plus, I could use all the good feelings I can get right now, and getting muscles and loosing weight has always made me feel good about myself. This pudgy, dimply body I see in the mirror now doesn’t do a thing for improving my self worth.

I feel like two people. Not like split personalities or anything weird, just like I am two different people. At one moment I am a grieving Mother to two children and I don’t feel like I can cope. I don’t want to cope. I want to lay around and think of my sweet Angel baby; who he would have been, what he would have looked like… Then the next minute I’m a mother of one, I go through my day raising my sweet daughter, thinking of her future, who she will be, what she will look like, how I will raise her to be a great woman. I laugh at her antics (like escaping from her play area that I have gated off), I swell with pride at the majesty of her brain, and I’m deeply satisfied with the chance I have to be a mother. I clean and make dinner (ok, only occasionally…but I’m working on it!), I email friends, I talk on the phone, I watch my shows and I scrapbook like there’s nothing in the world wrong. But he’s always there, lingering in the back of my mind, memories waiting to sneak up on me. Sigh, I miss that little boy so bad! I feel guilty that I can’t “be happy that I have one” that the satisfaction I once had is only in fleeting moments now, instead of all of the time. I want to be happy with what I have, and not yearn for what I loss. But how is that possible? I had a son!! I HAD him! And then I lost him (which I hate saying because I didn’t loose him!). And now I am afraid I will never be content with what I have. It’s just not right. It’s obvious that there is something missing now. You can’t miss what you never had, so prior to Logan’s conception I was happy with just having a daughter. But knowing that there should be a little boy in this house leaves a gaping and obvious hole and I don’t like it. I don’t like the hole one bit.


Anonymous said...

Hi...picked up your story from my daughter's blog. They just lost their little son, Ty, 3 weeks ago. I've never lost a child, but I've now lost a grandson. It's taking so long to begin to take it all in, to accept it. And it hurts to watch our daughter and her husband hurt so badly. One or two things hit home as I read your words: I, too, don't want to forget! This was a child, and our family has experienced the death of one of it's members! No one would expect you to sweep that under the rug if he'd lived a few years, and it's no different that he didn't. I want his name to be familiar in our conversations as life goes on. I want to embrace the reality that Ty is one of us! I believe that God understands, and is big enough to handle our anger at Him. He gave up His Son! You don't have to push down your anger, or feel guilty about it.
Keep writing, it's so helpful. Wish I could send over a meal. You'll be in my prayers! je

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