Even if my brain is convinced it's for the best, my heart still screams "NO!"

Time is an odd bird. These last few days have been an interesting mix of every emotion I think I could possibly conjure up. But mainly I find myself nestling down in the peace that God has offered me. Even after I found out that Logan had Down Syndrome I still felt cheated. I would have taken a Logan with Downs over a dead Logan. I still feel that way. But I never really knew much about DS before this. I’ve done some research online about DS and was horrified at the problems that people with DS have to overcome. I didn’t realize that DS came with so many other diseases and health problems, not just the mental retardation. I now realize that Logan’s life would have been fraught with hardship, pain and illness and though people try to sugar coat it and like to believe that children with DS can go on to have fulfilling lives, it really is no way for anyone to have to live. I guess Logan’s life would have been even harder than I could have imagined, and God saved my little boy. (The song by Craig Morgan “God Must Really Love Me” is playing right now…ironic since I haven’t been feeling like God gave a crap about me lately.) So, I am trying to find peace in God’s decision to have mercy on Logan, even if it broke my heart beyond repair. I would have never wanted my little baby to have had such a hard life. Love is such a contradiction. Letting go because it’s what was best for Logan, even if I so wanted my baby. But today is better than yesterday, or the day before, or the day before that. I still cry, I cry for Logan’s hardship in what should have been the safe haven of my body, I cry that I didn’t get a chance to know him or let him know my love, I cry for hopes and dreams I can’t even fathom anymore, and I cry because that’s the only expression of love I know for my little boy. Knowing my little boy really is better off with God, if that’s the way he felt it was to be, doesn’t make my heart ache any less, doesn’t make me miss Logan any less…I guess it must be a lot like having to take someone off of life support…except that God was gracious enough to me to not have had to make that horrible decision. The decision that your brain is telling you is the right thing to do, when your heart is screaming “NO!” Though my brain is really trying hard to hang onto the logical aspect, and it’s trying so hard to convince my heart that this was meant to be and Logan is better off with Christ, my selfish and anguished heart still screams “NO!”