"You get what you pay for, but I just had no intention of living this way." -Counting Crows

Why We're Here...

My husband David and I delivered a stillborn Baby Boy that we loved, and wanted. Our first and only son, Logan, had Down Syndrome. Our daughter's smile is a little light in the darkness. She turned one year old three days after our sweet Logan tip-toed away on January 24, 2009. After 2 1/2 years we found out we were having another baby, whom we affectionatly called Rudy. Just shy of 6 weeks we found out Rudy was Ectopic. Rudy was surgically removed on May 26, 2011 delivering another blow to our already broken hearts.

Even if my brain is convinced it's for the best, my heart still screams "NO!"

Time is an odd bird. These last few days have been an interesting mix of every emotion I think I could possibly conjure up. But mainly I find myself nestling down in the peace that God has offered me. Even after I found out that Logan had Down Syndrome I still felt cheated. I would have taken a Logan with Downs over a dead Logan. I still feel that way. But I never really knew much about DS before this. I’ve done some research online about DS and was horrified at the problems that people with DS have to overcome. I didn’t realize that DS came with so many other diseases and health problems, not just the mental retardation. I now realize that Logan’s life would have been fraught with hardship, pain and illness and though people try to sugar coat it and like to believe that children with DS can go on to have fulfilling lives, it really is no way for anyone to have to live. I guess Logan’s life would have been even harder than I could have imagined, and God saved my little boy. (The song by Craig Morgan “God Must Really Love Me” is playing right now…ironic since I haven’t been feeling like God gave a crap about me lately.) So, I am trying to find peace in God’s decision to have mercy on Logan, even if it broke my heart beyond repair. I would have never wanted my little baby to have had such a hard life. Love is such a contradiction. Letting go because it’s what was best for Logan, even if I so wanted my baby. But today is better than yesterday, or the day before, or the day before that. I still cry, I cry for Logan’s hardship in what should have been the safe haven of my body, I cry that I didn’t get a chance to know him or let him know my love, I cry for hopes and dreams I can’t even fathom anymore, and I cry because that’s the only expression of love I know for my little boy. Knowing my little boy really is better off with God, if that’s the way he felt it was to be, doesn’t make my heart ache any less, doesn’t make me miss Logan any less…I guess it must be a lot like having to take someone off of life support…except that God was gracious enough to me to not have had to make that horrible decision. The decision that your brain is telling you is the right thing to do, when your heart is screaming “NO!” Though my brain is really trying hard to hang onto the logical aspect, and it’s trying so hard to convince my heart that this was meant to be and Logan is better off with Christ, my selfish and anguished heart still screams “NO!”


Emily said...

I totally know what you mean. It is one thing to know something in your head and something different to have your heart yearning so much for what we can't have. I'm so sorry little Logan is not here with you.

Thanks for your comments on my Stepping Stones blog- I really appreciate them.

((hugs)) emily

Hector and Jennifer Varanini Sanchez said...

I just found your blog from the T21 Afghan Blog. I am in tears reading through your blog. I can feel your pain in your words. I wish so much that you had your Logan with you now. I wish you could have met him and he could have met you. I know the love you would have had for each other would have been immense. I hope the afghan brings you warmth and love and some peace. My heart aches for you and your family.
Love to you,

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