"You get what you pay for, but I just had no intention of living this way." -Counting Crows

Why We're Here...

My husband David and I delivered a stillborn Baby Boy that we loved, and wanted. Our first and only son, Logan, had Down Syndrome. Our daughter's smile is a little light in the darkness. She turned one year old three days after our sweet Logan tip-toed away on January 24, 2009. After 2 1/2 years we found out we were having another baby, whom we affectionatly called Rudy. Just shy of 6 weeks we found out Rudy was Ectopic. Rudy was surgically removed on May 26, 2011 delivering another blow to our already broken hearts.

Give me a dream, a memory...something!

I yearn so badly for a sweet dream of Logan. One that feels real, one where I see him the way he was meant to look, one that fills that gaping hole in my heart, if only briefly. I never told Logan that I loved him. Not while I held him in my arms. I want so badly to tell him that I’m sorry he couldn’t stay, that I love him desperately and helplessly and that I miss him with such a ferocity that I can barely breathe. I want to grab a hold of him and pull him close to me so that he would know; with out a doubt, that his mommy loved him so much and that she wanted him. Even if it’s a dream, I just want a memory of something. I look at David and I think “Wow! My son would have looked like that!” I look at his nose, I look at his eyes, I look at his curls and I know my son would have been just as handsome as his daddy. And it makes my heart leap, and it makes me smile. And, it makes me cry the most gut wrenching cries.


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