It's been a bad week

Thursday, February 12, 2009

I’m having a bad week, a really bad week. I just needed a break. My nerves are beyond shot. You think that God would see that I have enough to handle and perhaps shield me from the stupid little things that are making me feel like my head may explode at any minute. I have a headache. I’ve had a headache it seems most days since Logan was born, since Logan died. I wake up feeling like I’ve been bulldozed in my sleep. I know I’m under an enormous amount of stress, but it doesn’t seem to help, the fact that I know. Aubrey gives me happiness and hope beyond measure, but she’s going through a phase of serious neediness and separation anxiety and communication frustration that makes it hard for me to cope with every day life. I don’t get a break to pee, to eat or to mourn. Most people would think that would be a good thing, that it would keep me busy and my mind off of Logan. But the reality of it is that it just adds to it. Her constant hollering and crying of late frustrate me and overwhelm me and push me to the edge. I find comfort in her, and yet I find a great deal of frustration and stress that I just could do with out at this moment; which brings me to the massive amount of guilt I am having about it all. I feel guilty that I can’t love and enjoy every minute of my daughter. That she makes me mad and frustrated. I’m not always mad, or always frustrated but I keep thinking that I have such a short time with her, and it makes me sad that I find myself wishing for a moment with out her, looking forward to nap and bed times.