"You get what you pay for, but I just had no intention of living this way." -Counting Crows

Why We're Here...

My husband David and I delivered a stillborn Baby Boy that we loved, and wanted. Our first and only son, Logan, had Down Syndrome. Our daughter's smile is a little light in the darkness. She turned one year old three days after our sweet Logan tip-toed away on January 24, 2009. After 2 1/2 years we found out we were having another baby, whom we affectionatly called Rudy. Just shy of 6 weeks we found out Rudy was Ectopic. Rudy was surgically removed on May 26, 2011 delivering another blow to our already broken hearts.

A break through and mocha!

I had a break through. Yesterday was the first day I didn’t cry. I thought about Logan. I thought about him a lot. We had dinner with some friends, and the restaurant was filled with babies, even tiny newborn little boys. They made me feel wistful. Sad that my little boy wasn’t here, and wasn’t coming in May the way we had planned. But I didn’t cry, and I didn’t hate that new mother.

I’ve been trying very hard to find the good in my days, to appreciate the things that I can do and have that I haven’t been able to enjoy in almost two years. They don’t take the place of Logan, and they don’t make me feel better about his loss, but its a little happiness in my day. I love Mocha. I love the smell of coffee and chocolate on a cold day, and I love to drink it. I try very hard not to drink caffeine while I am pregnant or breastfeeding. So, yesterday I had a mocha. I love a good drink on occasion. I love a little buzz and the warmth sliding down my throat. I haven’t had a drop since my 29th birthday…almost two years ago! I missed sleeping on my stomach. Even while breastfeeding I couldn’t sleep on my stomach, although admittedly it feels weird and uncomfortable now, but that’s not the point. Steak!! I haven’t had steak yet, but I can if I want. I love medium rare steak! No undercooked meat or eggs you know, oh, which brings me to eggs, over medium! And subs, deli meat and cheese, feta cheese and my favorite Bleu Cheese! I can have that now too! Sigh. Ok, I tried. But honestly it kind of made me sad to list all of those things. They’re just not the same anymore. Even when I did drink the mocha yesterday, I thought of Logan and how I shouldn’t be drinking it yet because he should still be growing away happily and healthily in my belly. How it just felt off that I was drinking a mocha like any normal cold day in January. And it was just a normal plain day in January, only it shouldn’t have been. And that makes me sad.


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