I'm sorry, I can't smile.

We took our little Muffin to the doctor’s yesterday which seemed silly after we left. She seemed sick to me. I mean, she is sick, but apparently not sick enough to warrant a doctor visit. So, twenty bucks later we left being told it was just a cold, and I felt stupid. I knew it was a cold. But she sounded croupy…when she did cough. And in my defense this morning she sounds worse. I don’t want to be one of those moms! I have always wanted to be the kind of mom that tells her kid to “spit on it” and so far I have been. I hug and kiss Aubrey when she’s hurt or doesn’t feel good. My insides jump when she falls, but I try hard not to react until I see her reaction. I don’t want her to cry or freak out just because I do. But lately I can’t push aside the fear that it’s only a matter of time before God takes what little bit of sunshine I have left…David and Aubrey. And so, lately I’ve been a skittish mom, jumping at every noise, checking on her a little too much. I don’t want to smother her. I don’t want to raise a wimp of a kid who is a bundle of tears. But yesterday, leaving the doctor’s office I felt like one of those moms! And to make matters worse, in the waiting room was a tiny little baby boy. I didn’t cry. I even half heartedly smiled at his mommy. But, it was one more kick in the gut, one more twist of the knife. I don’t wish what we’ve been through even on my greatest enemy. I like knowing that most babies live and are born and grow up. It gives me hope. And I know that mommy’s joy. After all, I have my little muffin, I’m a full fledge practicing mommy myself. And seeing little girls just doesn’t have the same impact as it does when I see a tiny baby boy. Would Logan look like that? Would he sound like that? Would I look like that? I smiled at her. I smiled at him. I just couldn’t stop looking. When we walked out of the office David told me to smile. I defended myself, because I did smile at her. But then he told me to smile. And try as I would have liked, I couldn’t. Not that there aren’t a million things to smile about. I mean hey, Aubrey just had a cold; we were going home and taking our muffin with us. That alone should’ve made me smile. But since Logan died, though I find small glimpses of happiness, and most often they’re in David and Aubrey’s eyes, it’s hard to smile or laugh or feel much happiness. I feel like I am betraying my daughter who is living, while at the same time betraying my son who is dead. And all the while I feel like I am betraying David by not being the light in his eyes that way he is in mine. I’m sorry Aubrey. I’m sorry Logan. I’m sorry David. I love all three of you.