"You get what you pay for, but I just had no intention of living this way." -Counting Crows

Why We're Here...

My husband David and I delivered a stillborn Baby Boy that we loved, and wanted. Our first and only son, Logan, had Down Syndrome. Our daughter's smile is a little light in the darkness. She turned one year old three days after our sweet Logan tip-toed away on January 24, 2009. After 2 1/2 years we found out we were having another baby, whom we affectionatly called Rudy. Just shy of 6 weeks we found out Rudy was Ectopic. Rudy was surgically removed on May 26, 2011 delivering another blow to our already broken hearts.

October's Secret Garden Meeting

This is the October Version of Carly's Secret Garden Meeting.  You can view that here.

So this meeting we would like to talk about where you are. Where are you at in your grief. Has it been years or just weeks since you lost your baby. How are you feeling. How do you hope you will feel in the future. Have you found any peace at all?

It's been 9 months 1 week and 6 days since Logan died.  I've talked a lot this week about where I think I'm at in the process of grief.  Numb.  Empty.  Nothing.  Uncaring.  I haven't been crying.  I haven't been sitting around moping or wishing.  I haven't anything.  I go through the motions of life and try not to get too involved.  I try not to commit to too much.  Some days I think "Oh I should go do this or that, or visit this person or that."  But I don't follow through.  I don't "want" to do anything.  I think I am still overly sensitive about a lot of things, and it doesn't take much to hurt my feelings, or make me angry.  I feel tightly wound, and ready to shatter.  I'm still having a lot of trouble falling asleep, and then getting out of bed.  But I don't really "feel" anything.  I don't "want" anything.  I want to be left alone.  I want to not exist in this life.

Peace?  Aren't we all still looking for peace?  Does that ever come?  Do I have that to look forward to?  I have moments, little flickers of peace here and there.  My daughter gives me so much of that.  My husband has a hand in that too.  Sometimes I can sit here on my couch and watch him playing with our daughter and I think "Who could possibly want more than this right here?" and then I remember...  And then it makes me sad all over again, and then it makes me guilty for feeling sad for not being content with the daughter that I have.  It's messed up.

I hope in the future I will feel the way I used to feel...pre-dead baby.  But I know that's not likely.  What I am hoping for is that we will be able to move on as a family.  That we will be able to find the courage to try to have another HEALTHY child, a child for its own merrits and not as a replacement.  I hope that I move out of this depression with the passing of the one year mark.  I hope that I don't "ruin" my daughter by smothering here and fearing for her life at every turn.  I hope that a day will come when I don't feel like at any second I'm going to flip out.  But mostly I hope that my dh and I will find healing, forgiveness and sweet thoughts about our son as the fore front of our lives and that I'll be able to raise my daughter with the belief's that I grew up on, and actually do it in a convincing way because I will once again belive them myself.


Franchesca Cox said...

Hoping with you, Heather. Sending BIG *hugs* to you.


Jeanette said...

Flickers of peace is a start, at least that's what I hope.

Once A Mother said...

Oh my, I felt so much of myself and my journey and my emotions in your words. I don't have any living children to care for, but can so relate to not wanting to do anything, see anyone, and feeling no excitement. Sending you prayers for peace at the one year mark.

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