October's Secret Garden Meeting

This is the October Version of Carly's Secret Garden Meeting.  You can view that here.

So this meeting we would like to talk about where you are. Where are you at in your grief. Has it been years or just weeks since you lost your baby. How are you feeling. How do you hope you will feel in the future. Have you found any peace at all?

It's been 9 months 1 week and 6 days since Logan died.  I've talked a lot this week about where I think I'm at in the process of grief.  Numb.  Empty.  Nothing.  Uncaring.  I haven't been crying.  I haven't been sitting around moping or wishing.  I haven't anything.  I go through the motions of life and try not to get too involved.  I try not to commit to too much.  Some days I think "Oh I should go do this or that, or visit this person or that."  But I don't follow through.  I don't "want" to do anything.  I think I am still overly sensitive about a lot of things, and it doesn't take much to hurt my feelings, or make me angry.  I feel tightly wound, and ready to shatter.  I'm still having a lot of trouble falling asleep, and then getting out of bed.  But I don't really "feel" anything.  I don't "want" anything.  I want to be left alone.  I want to not exist in this life.

Peace?  Aren't we all still looking for peace?  Does that ever come?  Do I have that to look forward to?  I have moments, little flickers of peace here and there.  My daughter gives me so much of that.  My husband has a hand in that too.  Sometimes I can sit here on my couch and watch him playing with our daughter and I think "Who could possibly want more than this right here?" and then I remember...  And then it makes me sad all over again, and then it makes me guilty for feeling sad for not being content with the daughter that I have.  It's messed up.

I hope in the future I will feel the way I used to feel...pre-dead baby.  But I know that's not likely.  What I am hoping for is that we will be able to move on as a family.  That we will be able to find the courage to try to have another HEALTHY child, a child for its own merrits and not as a replacement.  I hope that I move out of this depression with the passing of the one year mark.  I hope that I don't "ruin" my daughter by smothering here and fearing for her life at every turn.  I hope that a day will come when I don't feel like at any second I'm going to flip out.  But mostly I hope that my dh and I will find healing, forgiveness and sweet thoughts about our son as the fore front of our lives and that I'll be able to raise my daughter with the belief's that I grew up on, and actually do it in a convincing way because I will once again belive them myself.