"You get what you pay for, but I just had no intention of living this way." -Counting Crows

Why We're Here...

My husband David and I delivered a stillborn Baby Boy that we loved, and wanted. Our first and only son, Logan, had Down Syndrome. Our daughter's smile is a little light in the darkness. She turned one year old three days after our sweet Logan tip-toed away on January 24, 2009. After 2 1/2 years we found out we were having another baby, whom we affectionatly called Rudy. Just shy of 6 weeks we found out Rudy was Ectopic. Rudy was surgically removed on May 26, 2011 delivering another blow to our already broken hearts.


First Christmas

This was our first Christmas. I'd be lying if I were to say that I didn't have a very nice one and enjoyed this holiday. I didn't cry. I didn't obsess. But I thought about Logan a lot. I thought about what he'd be wearing, how he would've responded to sitting on Santa's lap last night. I thought about how big he'd be, and that he'd still be a baby and that everyone would be oohing and ahhing over him. I thought about the fact that life would be so different than it currently is. The good and the bad. It's interesting that I can think about it logically enough to recognize that babies aren't all fun and games all the time. All in all I had a nice few days and allowed myself to enjoy the holiday. I missed Logan today and I thought about him a lot. But I smiled and still enjoyed myself.
On a different note, I did go ahead and buy that ornament I mentioned in an earlier post. I hope everyone was able to find some peace and happiness these last few days. Happy holidays everyone.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

7 comments:

Ter said...

((hugs))

Michele said...

thinking of you...

margaret said...

Don't feel bad about having nice moments at Christmas Heather. Just because you miss Logan with everything you have doesn't mean you have to be weeping twenty four seven. I'm glad to hear that it wasn't completely awful for you. Hugs

Franchesca Cox said...

I agree with Margaret. That's awesome that you enjoyed yesterday. I think Logan was proud of you. Lots of love

Mary said...

It is very hard sometimes to be in the moment to enjoy it. Glad to hear that you enjoyed your holiday.

Karen said...

Glad you had moments of peace and love. Thinking of you and your beautiful Logan - glad you got that ornament you posted about. (((Hugs)))

Catherine W said...

Happy holidays to you too Heather. I'm glad that you found some peace and happiness over Christmas. It feels like a balancing act to me at times.

I love the quote at the top of your blog. I must have listened to that song hundreds of times over the years and now it reminds me of you and your sweet Logan. Much love xo

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