"You get what you pay for, but I just had no intention of living this way." -Counting Crows

Why We're Here...

My husband David and I delivered a stillborn Baby Boy that we loved, and wanted. Our first and only son, Logan, had Down Syndrome. Our daughter's smile is a little light in the darkness. She turned one year old three days after our sweet Logan tip-toed away on January 24, 2009. After 2 1/2 years we found out we were having another baby, whom we affectionatly called Rudy. Just shy of 6 weeks we found out Rudy was Ectopic. Rudy was surgically removed on May 26, 2011 delivering another blow to our already broken hearts.


This morning is not starting off good.  I have zero patience and feel wound tight and ready to explode.  I've been feeling this way a lot lately.  I have a cold, so I know that isn't helping.  And my 22 month old has one too AND is teething.  So we're both whinny and irritated.

I thought I was doing good.  For some time now I haven't really been feeling anything.  But last night my husband and I were snipping at each other and he said "There's the girl I've been seeing for the last three months!".  And the anger came boiling to the surface.  You know that anger.  The one that pokes its head out everytime you realize that this has changed you, that this has changed everything around you, how you view life, your partner, yourself, your future, your past, every one around you.  And I got pissed that I let it change me, that I couldn't stop it from changing me.  That every innocent thought, is no longer innocent.  That I can't think warm fuzzies about making babies with out remembering that one died.  That I can't think about my annual Christmas picture without realizing that last years picture had a very pregnant looking woman in it, with her husband and daughter...and this year there isn't a second child to add.  No transition.  He was there last year, he's not this year.  No sign or caption explaining why.  Future generations will look at those pictures and be confused, wonder what happened.  It made me so angry to realize, and have it voiced by my husband, that I'm different in a bad way.  I'm not happy.  I don't look forward to anything.  I don't want to celebrate.  I am angry that this has turned me into someone I don't recognize.  That it has taken away what little bit of self worth, will power, motivation and what not that I used to have and that now days I just feel like a giant worthless blob who doesn't hold up her end of the bargain.  I'm no wife to my husband.  I don't care anymore.  And it makes me angry that I don't care (so I must care a little or something), and that most of the time the new me beats down the old me until all I do is sit and stare.  Depression.  Yeah, I know.  No pills they say.  Gotta deal with it.  Its expected, its normal...blah, blah, blah!  WHATEVER!  I'm angry that this has given me depression.  I'm angry that my life is slipping away, my marraige, my daughters days.  All slipping by while I'm just too spent to do anything about it.  I feel torn.  Torn between who I feel like being, and who I know I am supposed to be.  Torn between cleaning this house, cleaning up myself, loosing this ugly weight that drags me down, being a good wife, a good mother and just loosing myself into the blob on the couch who doesn't understand why this happened to her.  What did I do?  What did my dh do?  What did that poor baby do that warranted this.  What did my dd do to deserve being born into a family that so soon after her birth would try to fall apart?  Why us?  Yeah, yeah.  I know.  Its not our fault, we didn't do anything to deserve this.  God has a plan.  Yeah, whatever.  It makes me so angry that I want to throw this computer through my window.  I don't want to be this person.  I don't want to have this ugliness hanging over me and every thought I have and every thing I do.  I want it to go away.  And I know I sound like a 5 year old stomping her foot.  I know it sounds ridiculous.  But it is what it is.  Its not fair, and I don't want it.  I want my old life back.  I want that innocence back.  One freakin' month ruined everything.  And I'm tired of living with it.  I hate this new me.  I hate what I do, how I think and what I know.  I am pissed that I couldn't stop this from ruining me.

I can't believe its December.  Christmas is just 3 weeks away!!  I'm a month and three weeks away from Logan's anniversary.  Almost an entire year yanked from my hands.  A year spent being someone that I'm not.  A year.  Gone.  And I'm glad its going.  The year mark is the magic number right?  The day when POOF everything is better and back to normal, right?  Yeah.  Right.  Its sad to say that I'm looking forward to February.  I have never in my life looked forward to February.  February is frigid cold and boring.  That's why they invented Valentine's Day.  Threw in a little excitement.  But this time around, February feels like a little light at the end of the tunnel.  I'm probably setting myself up for a huge dissapointment, but I'm clinging to in anyway.  I need to find hope in something.  I need to think there will be an end to this.


margaret said...

Heather, sending you huge hugs. First of all, what's the deal with the no pills? I HAD to get on some antidepressant meds after losing my son. I don't think it's a bad thing. I can't even imagine how low I'd be right now if I didn't. Maybe it's time. As for the magic year mark, I don't know. It's true that I was a wreck up to Calvin's year and then after found a sense of peace. I don't know if it's the Christmas spirit or coincidence and although I don't expect this feeling to last, I'm enjoying it while it's here. I'd say you are pretty normal to be raging against how this has changed your life. Everyone of us has gone through the same emotions. I'm pretty sure I have read about this very thing on just about every blog. It sucks. There's nothing you can do about it and until you stop fighting the change and learn to quietly accept it, peace will be elusive. No, I don't like how my son's death has affected my whole life but I realize now there is no going back to the life I had before. It's just not going to happen as much as I wish it could. Sending you hugs, wishing you would feel better....

Michele said...

Time moves on around us even when we dont move. And it is impossible that losing a child wouldnt change us. I remember my boss telling me, after Nicholas and Sophia died, that I wasnt the same person I used to be. I wanted to slap her and say "REALLY??? YOU THINK????" It's hard to fight the anger and sorrow when that is really how you feel. My husband used to say "feel it but dont let it define you". Easier said than done, but we try.

Emily said...

I agree with Margaret - antidepressants are a necessity to get through this, at least for me. Not because of the way I felt, though that's been greatly helped. It was more about how I related to others. I didn't realize how bad I was until I'd been on the pills for awhile, and recognized how much less I'd been yelling at Andrew lately. Heather, it's not a long-term thing. But maybe you need a little help getting over this hump.

I still pray for you all the time...((hugs))

Catherine W said...

Oh Heather. It isn't fair and of course you want your old life back. I think we all do at times.
I don't think it's ridiculous, not at all. And you don't need to be pissed at yourself. I don't think anybody could lose a child and be unchanged by the experience.
Like Margaret and Emily, I would have to say that I have been taking antidepressants from two weeks after G died. I don't think I could have got through that time without them. They didn't 'fix' everything, just allowed me to keep going. I don't know if it was the right thing do to, I've developed this 'by any means necessary' attitude I think. If there is something that helps, or you think might help, it is worth a shot.
Love to you xo

Abby said...

Wow what a powerful and emotional post.. I understand so much of it.. Hugs to you, Abby

CLC said...

Oh, Heather, it's awful to have to trudge through this beating ourselves up. We do have to go through it. But we don't have to do it alone. I went on a/d for 8 weeks. I didn't want to be on them either, but I got to the point where I didn't want to be here. And despite my dr.'s advice I went off them at 8 weeks. But it was enough to pull me back over from the edge. The pills don't erase the sadness or the grief. They just make it a little less raw.
What you feel is not ridiculous and I think we have all felt this way at one point or another. It's not fair. I don't know what any of us did to "deserve" this. The only conclusion I have come to in the past 2 years is that no one "deserves" it and it's just really really bad luck. Hang in there.

Once A Mother said...

This does totally change everything, every part of you. I have been thinking about these changes alot lately, wondering, fearing, about their permanence. I hope you find some peace.

Heather said...

See another DR, who's telling you no pills!?!? My OB offered them to me for a few months to help get the serotonin back up, there is a chemical component to all of this, relating to our wonderful friends called hormones. I didnt take them then. But when I realized I could not function, that my son needed me to be more on my game, I started. They dont make it go away, but make things feel less intense. Get a 2nd opinion. You have been traumatized, you shouldnt beat yourself up for feeling the way you do. I am super angry, too, which is completely out of character for me. Exercise has helped a little, I know it's hard to get up the energy to get throught the day, let alone exert oneself, but you may find it helps release some of the anger. Take care of yourself , Heather, not to be corny, but you're worth it.

Anonymous said...

I felt like I was reading my own post. I feel for you.

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