"You get what you pay for, but I just had no intention of living this way." -Counting Crows

Why We're Here...

My husband David and I delivered a stillborn Baby Boy that we loved, and wanted. Our first and only son, Logan, had Down Syndrome. Our daughter's smile is a little light in the darkness. She turned one year old three days after our sweet Logan tip-toed away on January 24, 2009. After 2 1/2 years we found out we were having another baby, whom we affectionatly called Rudy. Just shy of 6 weeks we found out Rudy was Ectopic. Rudy was surgically removed on May 26, 2011 delivering another blow to our already broken hearts.

Here it comes...

So, here it comes. Today, a year ago, our horror began. Today is the day they told us there was something wrong. By the 23rd we knew he had died, the 24th he was stillborn.

Today I coped. Today I thought a lot about him, but it didn't pull me under. I thought a lot about what happened and the way I felt, but the day progressed in a "normal" fashion. I didn't cry, yet.

Last night...well... Here's the thing. I realized last night, after a small rift with my dh, that I feel like I have no control over much in my life. And that really bothered me. It came out wrong, and I took it out on my dh and was in a desperate search to reason that my thoughts were normal "wife" thoughts. But they quickly turned into Logan thoughts. And I realized that's what the issue really was about. Oh, not that I didn't really want what I was asking my dh for, but that the reason I got so angry (and later so sad) was really just because I struggle with control more so this past year than I used to. There have been so many things in the past year that have happened to me, that I had no control over, that it has really left a scar, or more realistically an open wound. Not that there haven't always been elements of fear of loss of control, and the actual inability to control everything around me (I once haunted myself in my sleep because I felt so out of control), and not that there won't always be that. No one can control everything around them all of the time. Other's free will is often involved (divorce, job loss), or circumstances beyond ones immediate control that make it impossible to control a situation. But after Logan died, it became very real, and very obvious to me that there is actually little in this life that one can control. I couldn't control what happened to Logan. I couldn't control the pain I felt from it. I couldn't control my husband and force him to have another baby right away, or move, or so many other things. I couldn't control the reaction of other people. I couldn't control my response to them (ok, this might be debatable). I couldn't control so many things that seemed so life altering, anymore than I could control the weather. Which has left me feeling so very insecure and vulnerable. Two feelings I despise. I miss the illusion of control I thought I once possessed. I miss the prospect of a new life in this home. I miss the dreams I had for Logan, the plans I made, the big sister I saw in Aubrey, the Mommy and Daddy I saw in us. I miss the family I framed in my head, the way it was going to be. And because of things I could not control, those dreams and hopes and plans are gone. I miss being able to relate to other women on a natural level with out them second guessing my words, thoughts or intents. I miss being able to think innocent thoughts about babies and being pregnant and frankly, sex, with out the constant sad reminder of what no longer is.

I miss the innocence and the comfortable naivety that used to be mine.

And I would gladly have given all of those up and so much more if I would have been able to have had a healthy Logan, or even, selfishly, one not so healthy Logan.

I miss him.

I miss you baby boy.


Mrs. Spit said...

Sending hugs.

One of the things I have realized with this whole grieving process is that we control so little, but we learn, as we learn about the lack of control what really matters.

I would have never chosen Gabe's death to teach me what matters, but since it has happened, I've liked that I can learn from it, to salvage something out of this garbage dump of a situation.

Remembering Logan with you.

Jess said...

"I miss the innocence and the comfortable naivety that used to be mine."

Oh yes. Same here totally, in every way you listed.

We're moving closer & closer to the "dates" for the first year of everything. It's scary to think about them for me right now. Part of me seriously thinks I may crawl in bed for a couple days & not get out until after the day he was born. But that's a working plan, of course. Prepare for the worse, hope for the best.

margaret said...

I miss that too Heather. It's one of the things I have stopped fighting lately, because none of those things from our before lives will never be again. I hate it but it's my reality now. Hugging you

Barbara said...

"I miss being able to think innocent thoughts about babies and being pregnant and frankly, sex, with out the constant sad reminder of what no longer is."

I miss the innocence too.

I'll be thinking about you over the next few days and remembering Logan with love


Michele said...

Oh honey... I am so sorry. I'm thinking of you and Logan today, and will tomorrow and the next day... Sending loving thoughts.

Heather said...

I'm so sorry, Heather. My dh & I just had a conversation about how I hate not having control over anything, how much anxiety I have over it. I miss the innocence, too. The simple things have become so complicated. Simple pleasures have become tinged with agony and pain, or at least a cloud-cover of sadness. Wishing you peac. Thinking of you and your Logan.

Catherine W said...

I also don't like the feeling of being out of control and this line, 'I couldn't control the reaction of other people,' is something I've been struggling to put my finger on for a long time.

I miss all the things you've described here. I miss them for you, I miss them for myself, I miss them for all of us here.

Thinking of you and Logan xo

Anonymous said...

Heather - Thinking of you and your family today. Wishing your lovely son Logan were there with you.

Lots of love,

Once A Mother said...

sending you so many hugs. it is so, so hard to know that so little is within our control. i miss life on the other side of the fence. the grass was greener there. this grass is brown, and full of weeds and no matter what i do, i have no control.

have i ever told you how much i love the name logan?

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