"You get what you pay for, but I just had no intention of living this way." -Counting Crows

Why We're Here...

My husband David and I delivered a stillborn Baby Boy that we loved, and wanted. Our first and only son, Logan, had Down Syndrome. Our daughter's smile is a little light in the darkness. She turned one year old three days after our sweet Logan tip-toed away on January 24, 2009. After 2 1/2 years we found out we were having another baby, whom we affectionatly called Rudy. Just shy of 6 weeks we found out Rudy was Ectopic. Rudy was surgically removed on May 26, 2011 delivering another blow to our already broken hearts.


My friends baby died.

My new friend lost her 2nd pregnancy this past weekend. This one was 9 weeks. It makes me sad. It makes me feel so helpless listening to her cry and ask questions and wonder. There should be four children in her life, there are two. I found it interesting to hear her mimic so many of the same doubts and thoughts and guilt and feelings that I felt after Logan died. 9 weeks, 13 weeks...not much different than my 6 months. And our friendship is so new... I'm at a loss as to what to say and do. I don't want to be all like "yeah well, I so get THAT!" and calling her too much, but I don't want to not call her enough either. Its left me feeling so odd. Makes me wonder about my friends and family...how they must've felt when Logan died. Its so sad. It makes my heart ache. She wanted that baby. Didn't matter to her that it had been 9 weeks. Doesn't matter to me either. I just feel so ugly inside. Dying babies is something I will never be able to come to terms with, regardless as to the gestational age. And I hate that I know of another baby that wasn't compatible with life. I feel "honored" (if that's the right word) that she called me, felt weird that she might have felt obligated, felt sad that she knew I would understand her pain, but "glad" (again with these positive phrases in unfortunate ways) that I was here for her to talk to. I found myself saying "I'm so sorry" a lot, and "if you need company call me..." We all know how that worked for each of us. I never asked for anything. I never wanted anything. I just wanted to be left alone, and yet...not. And here I am on the other side of the fence feeling helpless and stupid, when I feel like I should have all of the right words and answers...because I've been there.

But I'm dumbstruck.

5 comments:

Franchesca Cox said...

Oh wow, it's like we think we should know how to react, but somehow it's not that easy. I know whatever words you gave her, or just your listening ear was more than enough. You're a good friend to even reach out in a time of your own grief.

Thinking of you and your dear friend. xx

Mary said...

It is so hard to know. When my friend's son passed away in August I was also left speechless. I just wanted to climb thru the computer and hug her because that is all I wanted but never asked for. But it is also the fact that we need our alone time to deal with our demons too. I am also "glad" that she felt comfortable coming to you. We really need to be surrounded by those who understand.

Catherine W said...

I'm so glad that she has you as a friend Heather at this sad time. Even if you feel as though you don't know what to say, I just know that she will find so much comfort in your company.

I don't think that any of us 'know' what to say, even if we have lost a child ourselves.

I'm so sorry that she lost her little one. xx

Michele said...

Just tell her that you are remembering her baby. In the darkness that is your baby dying, those are the words that have meant so much to me.

Thinking of you both.

CLC said...

I am sorry for your friend. I find myself tongue tied too when it comes to comforting others. Like you I wanted to be left alone and not all at the same time.

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