"You get what you pay for, but I just had no intention of living this way." -Counting Crows

Why We're Here...

My husband David and I delivered a stillborn Baby Boy that we loved, and wanted. Our first and only son, Logan, had Down Syndrome. Our daughter's smile is a little light in the darkness. She turned one year old three days after our sweet Logan tip-toed away on January 24, 2009. After 2 1/2 years we found out we were having another baby, whom we affectionatly called Rudy. Just shy of 6 weeks we found out Rudy was Ectopic. Rudy was surgically removed on May 26, 2011 delivering another blow to our already broken hearts.

Depression makes me tired, and I'm tired of the depression

That about sums it up.  I'm tired.  I feel like I've been tired my whole life.  These last 8 months have felt like an eternity, and yet they feel like they have flown by.  I'm tired of the depression, and I can't seem to shake it.  And I'm tired of how wiped out it makes me feel, and I can't seem to do anything about it.  They don't want me on Anti-D's.  I'm thankful for that I suppose.  That they aren't willing to just throw drugs at me.  They keep telling me that I'm normal.  This is normal.  My baby died, I should be depressed.  Its all normal.

I don't care if its normal.  I'm tired of it.

I'm going to look into the St. John's.  They have me on The Pill, so I have to be sure it doesn't interact with that.  I just have to get around to finding out.  That's another "thing" about this depression I can't stand.  I have no motivation, no umph, no desire.  If it weren't for my DD I'd sit on the couch all day and watch TV.  If it wasn't for my DH I'd prolly never shower or change my clothes, and to be honest, that's a rare thing around here now!  I'm tired of feeling like my life has been stolen from me.  Like everyday I have to barter for time, for energy, for umph.  Its really taking a toll on my well being.  I am feeling more and more like I am failing.  Failing at mothering, failing at being a good wife, failing at being alive.  I've been reading on how people cope with depression, and it all just seems hoakie.  Day one, get out of bed.  Day two, brush teeth.  Day three, Brush hair.  Seriously?  I have a daughter, I'm already out of bed, and though it might take me hours to get to brushing my teeth or hair, eventually I do get it done.  Its the other stuff.  Laundry, cleaning, cooking, exercise, taking care of me that I have problems with.  I still read to my daughter, I feed her, I play with her, I do what I should.  I try to remember to feed my dog, but I can't seem to talk myself into taking her for a walk.  Its terrible.  I hate the way that I've become but I can't seem to talk myself into being anything better.  I hate when the phone rings.  I hate when I have to go out and see people.  I hate when I have to get together with people, put on my happy face, and perform.  Part of me wants to get with my friends and be normal...the other part, can't seem to make it out the door.  I make plans, or I want to make plans, only to end up canceling, or wishing I had, or never making the plans in the first place, but then thinking maybe I should have because I need to get out.  Its a big circle.  Like now, I know that I need to go rewash the laundry that has been sitting in the washer since Tuesday.  I need to go clean up the kitchen, pick up all of these toys...but I'd rather sit here and ignore it all.

Except now my laptops battery is dead.


Barbara said...

I hear you. I'm struggling with many of those things myself.


Catherine W said...

I wish I had a solution for you Heather.
It is tiring.
Love to you xo

Michele said...

It does sound hokie but it works. I made a list of 3 things to do each day and made it the goal to do them. When I did those, the list became 5, then 10. Then I didnt need the list anymore. It was the only thing that worked for me.

Franchesca Cox said...

I completely understand. hugs to you


margaret said...

You are exactly where I've been all these months Heather. I've had no motivation or energy at all since Calvin died. I stopped cooking and cleaning except for the basics, things that needed doing like dishes and laundry. Maybe it is normal because I have been on antidepressants since my son died. I've found lately, I have to step away from my computer, my phone and the tv to get anything done. The couch is far too comfortable for me to numbly sit and watch Treehouse day after day with my children so if I step away from it, I can see what needs doing and I start doing it. It may take me three or four days to finish a task but it is progress. As for the social life, I've had none since my son died. I hate going places where people know me and want to talk to me or ask me questions about how I'm coping with things because most of the time, they're either looking for gossip or not interested in the truth. It's too bad we weren't all closer in distance, we could meet once a week at each other's houses to sit, cry, talk and not feel judged. You guys have saved me from myself, now if I could only move on a bit with the outside world....Hugging you

Lea said...

Tiring... yes. This grieving thing seems to suck everything out of us, whether we want it to or not.... wishing you brighter days ahead.

Mrs. Spit said...

Are you seeing anyone? I know your OB said you were fine, but the stuff you are describing is a pretty big marker for clinical depression, and St. John's might be a good start, but seeing a therapist might be good too.

I'm not suggesting that you are crazy, but seeing someone who can give you some perspective could be really good. I just liked that I had paid someone for the help, and they were obligated to listen to me.

Sending hugs and concern.

Mary said...

I am the same way. Nothing makes me want to do something or anything. If it is not family related, I don't want to do it. I see that you are doing the important things in life which is spending time with your little girl and that is what matters. Who cares about chores. Even at work, I am so distracted. I don't want to be there. It doesn't help that it sucks there but I'm sure my grief is amplifing it. You aren't alone.

Karen said...

I'm so sorry. I wish I could offer some brilliant solution but I'm floudering around these days myself. If it weren't that I have my other children needing me and a husband who works long hours I'd be curled in bed. I liked Michele's suggestion. I like suggestions from the trenches, from other people who've been through this and come out the other side. I think you're very brave to share this with everyone. (((hugs)))

CLC said...

I am sorry it is so hard. I have no advice. Just hoping that the depression will ease for you.

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