"You get what you pay for, but I just had no intention of living this way." -Counting Crows

Why We're Here...

My husband David and I delivered a stillborn Baby Boy that we loved, and wanted. Our first and only son, Logan, had Down Syndrome. Our daughter's smile is a little light in the darkness. She turned one year old three days after our sweet Logan tip-toed away on January 24, 2009. After 2 1/2 years we found out we were having another baby, whom we affectionatly called Rudy. Just shy of 6 weeks we found out Rudy was Ectopic. Rudy was surgically removed on May 26, 2011 delivering another blow to our already broken hearts.

These things happen...

I just thought to myself yesterday that it was probably a good thing that I haven't been blogging much lately. Moving on right? Healing? Whatever.

Today I got back my results from my hormones tests and had my annual. The doctor had to be in an emergency surgery, so I saw the nurse practitioner instead. All of my hormones are normal. Great. So then what's my problem? No PCOS, just cysts and one tiny fibroid. Apparently you get those from being fat! Funny that I didn't have those when I weighed 200lbs, but I have them now when I'm 170lbs.

Oh, and get this. Apparently it's been long enough. No kidding. After 7 1/2 months I shouldn't be crying anymore, it's been too long. I need to consider Zoloft. I need to consider a therapist. I need to loose weight.

I'm getting more pissed by the second actually. She made me cry. She made me cry several times. Why don't I get a room that doesn't have pictures of all of the other babies that lived? Why is this dumb nurse assuming that I am trying to have a baby now? Why is this nurse assuming that it was difficult for me to get pregnant? And did she seriously just tell me that if I get pregnant to come in right away so that they can do tests "so you won't have to go through all of this again."?? Excuse me? Apparently I need genetic counseling. Apparently my DH does too. We need to find out if there is anything in us that caused the baby to have Downs. WHAT? Caused?? But I thought it was random. I thought it was a fluke. I just wanted a pap. I just wanted the results from my tests. I just wanted to be someone else today. One of the naive ones.

Tears. Lots and lots of tears, in public. I hate public break downs. I had to walk past two pregnant woman who both stared at me. They're wondering, trying to figure out my story. I'm tired of people wondering about me. I'm tired of having to re-tell and re-explain my story over and over again. Why didn't the NP read my chart first? Why did I have to choke out that my baby died in January. She called it a miscarriage a few times. I didn't correct her. I wish. I wish that he would have passed silently out of existence. I wish I didn't have to know he had a face, and tiny little hands and feet. His perfect little pouty mouth, is button nose, his funky toe. I wish I didn't know he had a name. I wish he would have been a sad medical procedure that is so common that people say they're sorry, and then move on. I wish I didn't know what it was like to hold such a warm, tiny lifeless little boy in my arms. I wish I didn't know what it was like to have experienced a horror that is so unaccepted by the general population that people can't talk about it, or look me in the eye. I wish I wasn't the topic of conversation, or gossip or even the sad thoughts and concern that I am for people who know me, and even worse for those who don't. I wish this wasn't my reality.

I'm tired of people telling me that "these things happen" and I'm really tired of hearing it from doctors. Cancer happens too. Co-joined Twins happen too. Child molestation and murder and abortion and so many more unspeakable things happen too! No shit it happens! It happened to me. I KNOW it happens. Stop telling me that these things happen! I know! I get it already. It happened...it happened to ME! It happened to my husband, and it happened to my son! I don't care that they do happen and I don't care for what reason (even if it's God's and not one I'm meant to understand) what I care about is that it happened to ME, to US! Why does everyone feel the need to remind me that "these things happen"?

I just want a doctor who gets it. I want a doctor who says its normal to be sad and cry for 8 months. Its normal to feel like you are loosing your coherency with life. Its normal to want a baby one minute and not the next. Its normal to be scared and mad and resentful and to ask a million questions and to feel like its not fair. I want a doctor who understands that not everyone would choose to abort a baby that is not perfect. I want a doctor who can just go with the flow and get it. I guess what I want is a doctor who has been in my shoes and who is trying to help others. I want help, I do. But I want help from people who can grasp the complexity of what I am going through. But they all want to shove pills at me, and tell me to hop back on the horse. I don't want to. I want to stand here in my little dark corner and kick the dirt around and cry and scream and be sad and miss my son and wallow in the pity that is mine! If I had my way I would have chosen not to have gotten pregnant then. I didn't know! I didn't realize that I could have a child who could be so ill. Incompatible with life. I can't get that phrase out of my head. I feel incompatible with life now too. I just want to scream at people to stop looking at me!! Stop thinking about me!!

So now what? Am I just lousy at dieting? Was I doing it wrong? Am I imagining the heat flashes? Did I gain 13lbs so fast because I was a pig? Am I moody and crabby and argumentative just because I'm mad at the world? Whats with the headaches again? Is it not enough to snatch my son out from within me, but now the universe is trying to pull me under too? Do I not deserve a break? No. I'm no one special. I don't deserve a beak or anything else. It just the way the cookie crumbles, because hey...these things happen. Right?

I guess I should clarify something. I am having more good days then bad ones now, lots more. I don't sit around and cry all day. In fact, I don't cry over Logan much at all anymore. Don't get me wrong, there's a constant dull ache where I think his 4 month old smile should be. Not too many minutes go by where I don't think about what should have been. An event doesn't go by where I don't think he should be present. But I'm past the screaming pain that had me curled up into a little quivering ball of goo. And now I am usually either wistfully sad or bitter and angry, when I'm not smiling at my daughter and living "normal" life. Life is what it is now. I go about my days and there is a shadow of sorrow, but not the heavy shroud that it was. I thought I was doing ok. I thought I was moving on and healing at a "normal" pace. For the most part I just want to fade into the background. Some people call this pulling away or turning inward. I don't really want to be around others. I do it because it's normal, and its what I'm supposed to do. But all I really want to do is burrow down with my DH and DD and block out the rest of the world. There was a time when I wanted to be at the epicenter of every family gathering. Now, I'd rather sit on the couch and watch TV. Zone out. Block out. Ignore. Hide. Whatever. I don't want to stumble onto conversations about me and my DH. I don't want other people trying to explain us or defend us in their own ignorance. I don't want people to ask about me. I just feel like its because everyone wants to be in on the latest gossip. "Pst, are they going to have another baby?" "Pst, I bet its hard for her to be here with all of these other babies." STOP IT! Yes is makes me sad seeing all of these babies and not being able to show mine off too. I don't know if we're going to have another baby. Why do you care? Does it matter to you? Does my speculation about procreation have any impact whatsoever on your existence? Its like I want to close the blinds on us. I want to be able to peak out on occasion, maybe let a little sunshine in here and there, but then close them when it gets dark or I don't want nosy people peaking in the windows.

I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to be on this blog, in this frame of mind, in this house, in this state, on this couch, in these tears, in this pain. I don't want to be here anymore. I want to get as far away from it all as I can, and I just can't seem to figure out how to do that.


Anonymous said...

((Hugs)). I'm sorry. Wishing there was something I could do. xo

Emily said...

First, let me give you a giant e-HUG. I can't even imagine how hard it was to get through that doctor visit. I'm proud of you. After all, you didn't haul off and knock a few of the NP's teeth out, did you? You're a far better person than I...

People say "these things happen" because they don't know what else to say. They truly don't realize that keeping their mouths closed is a viable (even preferred) option. I love when ppl say to me, "I don't know what to say." Because then I get to tell them to close their mouths and open their arms.

I'm in the same place you are, sister. Close the blinds and let me hide in the dark. Or let me out in public, as long as I don't have to perform for anyone. Let me be anonymous. I get it, Heather. You're getting through this as best you can. BUT, if *you* feel as though it's interfering with your life, antidepressants can be a wonderful thing. I'm on Celexa, a low dose. I'm not happy all the time. My highs got lower and my lows don't dig so far down. Zoloft is pretty heavy duty for someone who hasn't been on antidepressants before. If you feel like you should explore that option, go see a doctor. A real MD.

Always praying for you, Heather. And loving you. :)

Ter said...

((Hugs)) ((Hugs)) and ((more hugs))

I am 4 years into my loss, and let me say that there will always be moments where you cry. You will NEVER get "Over" it.. this loss... your son... You will ALWAYS remember him....and that is perfectly NORMAL.

I'm sorry you're having what is already a difficult time made worse by insensitive people who SHOULD care.

Julie said...

I just read the book "Living on the Seabed" by Lindsay NIcholson. She writes about grief very well, she says don't expect to be finished this hard horrible grieving for 4 years. You are doing well. Bitter and Angry are part of it. The second six months is the hardest, because people who haven't got a clue expect that you have grieved on their timeline, and they are mostly over it by now. Are you reading anything interesting at the moment?

margaret said...

Heather it's been ten months today since my son and daughter were born, in six days it will be ten months since he died. I'm still crying lots and I expect to cry lots more. I went through that huddle down with the family after Calvin's funeral, neither my husband or myself left the house for almost two months. While I felt safe holed up in my bedroom, it wasn't healthy for either us or our daughters. People simply don't get it. Until they lose a child, the most precious thing in the world, they will never get it. Only now am I starting to accept that and it dissapates some of the anger I have towards the nonbabylost community. It won't ever be better, but the pain will soften. I promise you that. Hugging you.

Aunt Becky said...

hell, i want to punch that doctor for you. how insensitive can one person be?

sending you love, heather. and, as always, kisses to logan in heaven.


Mary said...

I am there with you. I don't want to go anywhere unless I have to. I don't want to be around anyone unless they have been there for us.

Is there anyway you can request to never see that NP again?

Michele said...

Honey, it is normal to be sad. It hasnt been "too long" and you dont need to stop crying. Hell, it's been 19 months since we lost our first twins and I still cry for them daily. DAILY. And it doesnt mean I'm depressed, only that I'm grieving. It's okay that you are still grieving. Have you thought of seeing a doctor who specializes in loss or at experience with loss? That can make a huge difference.

Sending big hugs...

Jen said...

for the record....i know a dbm who still cries after 35 YEARS.....i think you are pretty normal....or at least i am crazy with you LOL!

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