"You get what you pay for, but I just had no intention of living this way." -Counting Crows

Why We're Here...

My husband David and I delivered a stillborn Baby Boy that we loved, and wanted. Our first and only son, Logan, had Down Syndrome. Our daughter's smile is a little light in the darkness. She turned one year old three days after our sweet Logan tip-toed away on January 24, 2009. After 2 1/2 years we found out we were having another baby, whom we affectionatly called Rudy. Just shy of 6 weeks we found out Rudy was Ectopic. Rudy was surgically removed on May 26, 2011 delivering another blow to our already broken hearts.

Taking Measure

You know, I've always been one to measure my life in milestones. I'll think to myself, "Wow, I've been with my DH long enough I could have gone through HS almost four times!!" Weird things like that. Anyhow, I find that I do that with Logan too. When it was winter I kept thinking if I could get past the winter things would be better. It would be a new season, it wouldn't feel the same. And here I am, faster than I can blink, knocking on the door of autumn...winter fast approaching...again. Its a strange feeling, how fast its all going. Seven months have come and gone. Three seasons. Winter. Spring. Summer. Fall is usually my favorite time of year. And though I am still feeling that old familiar prick of excitement in a hazy far off sort of way, I'm dreading what it means...and longing so much for it to go by quickly on one hand (to be past that scary one year mark with Logan) but for it to slow down because it's passing faster than I can comprehend and my daughters very short, and very endearing baby/toddlerhood is flying past and I feel like I miss so much and that I don't want to forget anything!!! (How's that for a run on sentence!?) It is bittersweet in it's truest form and ever so confusing for me. I just want to get as far away from this pain and these memories as I can. They keep telling me, "the salve of time" so I'm running for the salve with all of my might. But I feel so conflicted because I know that I spend a lot of my daughters life in mourning. And it shouldn't be that way for her. And it makes me sad. And I want it to be over with. I want to be here for her 100% and not with half of my mind wandering through dark alley's when I see her do something new and exciting! So as this winter comes screaming up on me, yes I get to get past the 1 year mark of my devastation...but it also means my daughter will be two, and I feel like I have missed out on so much of these last several months.


Heather said...

I can completely relate. My toddler, who wasn't putting many words together at the time actually looked at me one day and said, "Don't worry, Mommy." My heart dropped. He never before nor ever since has said those words. He didn't know what was going on, but he knew something wasn't right. So I now put every single ounce of energy into trying to make sure he doesn't. And at the end of the day, I have nothing left. Nothing for the house, nothing for my husband, or myself. Nothing. But he is my priority right now, and he went through enough confusion this past spring. So that's what I'm going to keep doing. I've also started grief counseling. I'm not totally sold on it yet, but we'll see how it goes. I don't want him to suffer as well, it would hurt me even more.

Mrs. Spit said...

Be kind to yourself - winter, at least up here in Alberta, is dark and cold enough.

Catherine W said...

Oh Heather. I wish I could just send you a hug through the computer wires. I think I know how you feel. I am devastated that I have spent so much time mourning G when I should or could be drinking in her twin sister's every move and step. It shouldn't be that way, my surviving daughter deserves a better mommy than I can be. I feel as though I have missed things as well.

Remembering Logan. xo

Michele said...

I cant even tell you what has happened in the last 18 months... I remember the parts of Alexander's pregnancy but otherwise, nothing... It is as though time stopped when the twins died.

Sending you hugs... Be gentle, dear one...

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