"You get what you pay for, but I just had no intention of living this way." -Counting Crows

Why We're Here...

My husband David and I delivered a stillborn Baby Boy that we loved, and wanted. Our first and only son, Logan, had Down Syndrome. Our daughter's smile is a little light in the darkness. She turned one year old three days after our sweet Logan tip-toed away on January 24, 2009. After 2 1/2 years we found out we were having another baby, whom we affectionatly called Rudy. Just shy of 6 weeks we found out Rudy was Ectopic. Rudy was surgically removed on May 26, 2011 delivering another blow to our already broken hearts.


Trapped

David and I see the world very differently from each other. I see the world as a play ground with a million options and opportunities, or at least I used to. David is more realistic and practical. But I have to think since Logan's death we both feel trapped. Trapped in a course of action neither of us wanted, and one that neither of us know what to do with. I've often wondered lately how our life would be with out the glue that is our daughter holding is together. I don't mean our marriage, I just mean who we are and where we are. I wonder if my husband would have quite the job that adds to his misery if he didn't have to be a responsible parent. I wonder if we would have dumped our home and moved away. I wonder if we'd have traveled the world in search of this allusive thing called peace. I wonder if we'd have gone our own way in search of happiness or if we'd have clung to each other. I am thankful for my daughter on a level I was unaware of prior to Logan's death. I am thankful that she keeps us perpetually moving forward even when our minds give up their will to do so. I just wish that there was a compromise. That there was some way to rescue my husband from his imposed prison of responsibilities and offer him another solution. A pass to search for his peace too. I fly by the seat of my pants and don't give a lot of thought to the repercussions until later. In the past, if I wanted to move, I did. If I wanted a new life, I got one. Now I rely on David to steer me in the right, and safe direction. I guess I feel helpless in my desire to improve David's situation. When I need to get away, I go. But not David. He has to stay. I guess he's more trapped then I am. It makes me sad for him. I just want to make things better for us and I don't know how or where to start.
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2 comments:

Michele said...

sending hugs and warm thoughts...

Monique said...

Me too - sending much love and hoping for some peaceful moments for you. xo

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