"You get what you pay for, but I just had no intention of living this way." -Counting Crows

Why We're Here...

My husband David and I delivered a stillborn Baby Boy that we loved, and wanted. Our first and only son, Logan, had Down Syndrome. Our daughter's smile is a little light in the darkness. She turned one year old three days after our sweet Logan tip-toed away on January 24, 2009. After 2 1/2 years we found out we were having another baby, whom we affectionatly called Rudy. Just shy of 6 weeks we found out Rudy was Ectopic. Rudy was surgically removed on May 26, 2011 delivering another blow to our already broken hearts.

The Baby Shower and the Blonde Toddler

So. I went. I survived. I assumed I would. I'm glad it's over. It was uneventful, and just to make sure that my heart didn't go unabused during the event, the universe thought it appropriate to have someones newborn baby boy there. Oh thank you. So. That was that. I came home, ate two candy bars and drank a Slurpee for dinner and tried to zone out to Into the Wild and pretend I didn't just do what I did. I didn't cry. I just...pouted I guess. It just made the day seem gray and ugly (it was scorching hot and sunny).

Yesterday my DH and I were out garage saling with the muffin. At one sale my DH was leading the muffin around by her hand and a toe headed toddler boy walked up to him and held his other hand and walked around with him.

I can't make this crap up!

The universe is trying to do us in. I always pictured Logan as a toe headed toddler...just like his daddy was. So, I got to see what it could have looked like. The muffin on one side, the toe head on the other...my husband (with a heart on the verge of breaking) in the middle. It took my breath away.


Mrs. Spit said...

Oh Heather. I think you know this, but your body needs good food to support you in the grieving. The sugar will lift you up, and make you crash, all the harder. It will exacerbate the grieving, making it worse. Added to that, cooking dinner for your family can help with routine, and routine can be your friend at this point, anchoring you, helping you re-adjust to the world.

I know we crave comfort foods, or we don't eat at all, but it's so important to eat as well.

I'm glad you made it through the shower.

Mirne said...

I can't believe you went to a baby shower ... Very brave of you. I probably would have sat there in tears the whole time. Not really the done thing at baby showers ... that's why I don't go.

Emily said...

Maybe the universe isn't out to get you...maybe God is trying to show you something?

Michele said...

Oh sweetie, my breath caught when I read this. I still cant get a good breath...

Heather said...

You are so BRAVE! I would never go to a baby shower right now, for a long while probably. We may be invited to a Christening, and I told my DH there's no way in hell I can go, I couldnt keep it together (we had the same OB/GYN, saw ea. other at appts, and she delivered a girl in the same hospital my twins died in 2 weeks later, so that's too close for comfort for me!) You should be proud of yourself, no wonder you needed to unwind after that kind of stress. Ive been reaching for the junk food too, and Then I get mad at myself after, don't eat for a while and so the circle continues. I agree with Mrs. Spit, it is so important to try to take care of ourselves physically. Easier said than done I know, but I tell myself I need to do it for my little guy, if I won't do it for myself.

Mary said...

I am so sorry. I am just about done with Baby Showers. Going to my fourth one next month and of all people it's for M. I'm dreading it now and it is three weeks away.

I hope you are finding today better. I know it was hard to see the hubby with the little boy. I find it hard to see E with my nephew at times and thinking what he is missing out on too.

Hugs to you my friend.

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