"You get what you pay for, but I just had no intention of living this way." -Counting Crows

Why We're Here...

My husband David and I delivered a stillborn Baby Boy that we loved, and wanted. Our first and only son, Logan, had Down Syndrome. Our daughter's smile is a little light in the darkness. She turned one year old three days after our sweet Logan tip-toed away on January 24, 2009. After 2 1/2 years we found out we were having another baby, whom we affectionatly called Rudy. Just shy of 6 weeks we found out Rudy was Ectopic. Rudy was surgically removed on May 26, 2011 delivering another blow to our already broken hearts.


Movie Quote

I watched Into the Wild tonight. It's not a feel good movie, but it didn't make me cry or sad. I think I found it to be more ironic. Help arrived, just a little too late. Seems familiar around here. I have found lately that I find "drama" on TV and in Movies to be laughable. Literally. I laugh. There may be something wrong with me. It could be my sinister evil twin. Anyhow, in the middle of the movie, the sister, who is narrating, says this:

And I fear for the mother in her. Instincts that seem to sense the threat of a loss so huge and irrevocable that the mind balks at taking its measure.

I almost choked. First, let me explain. To balk at something means to stop short and stubbornly refuse to go on. To take measure of something means to assess or appraise. And this is exactly how I feel. My mind does stop short of assessing itself and the damage to my emotional state that was forced into existence the day my sweet baby boy died. Because perhaps if I realized, put into a measurable term, just how much damage there really is...well then, maybe I would realize there isn't any point to the world continuing as I know it. One more way nature protects us from ourselves I suppose.

4 comments:

Michele said...

I have had a few moments in the last 18 months where I realized that my babies were, indeed, dead and not coming back. The mind does protect you. I barely remember what happened those times, although my husband remembers quite well. But it is such a shock to the system. Everything stops. Life cant go on. And then the mind comes in to try and stop the pain by putting you into a mild case of shock, so that you can breathe... until the next time. I wonder if, at some point, my mind will just accept the fact that they arent coming back and I will live in a state of perpetual shock? I dont know...

Heather said...

Wow--that is a profound quote, kind of scary in the reality of it for us lost baby mamas...

Ter said...

I can relate to the mind blocking to protect. I haven't FORGOTTEN anything but I can go through several hours knowing that my family is dead but I don't react to it in the horrible way. But every now and then I think "they're dead" and then it's like just learning it all over again and all the emotions come forth in a big wave!

Mary said...

That is how my mind felt that day. I still think that my mind is not letting me realize the reality at times too.

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