"You get what you pay for, but I just had no intention of living this way." -Counting Crows

Why We're Here...

My husband David and I delivered a stillborn Baby Boy that we loved, and wanted. Our first and only son, Logan, had Down Syndrome. Our daughter's smile is a little light in the darkness. She turned one year old three days after our sweet Logan tip-toed away on January 24, 2009. After 2 1/2 years we found out we were having another baby, whom we affectionatly called Rudy. Just shy of 6 weeks we found out Rudy was Ectopic. Rudy was surgically removed on May 26, 2011 delivering another blow to our already broken hearts.

The Secret Garden (aka Under the Tree)

How do you see or imagine your baby now that you do not him them with you?

I don't. I will always see Logan as a little baby, that died. He will never grow up. He never had a birthday. He was not healthy. I can not see him as a "normal" little boy who grew up. Logan had Down Syndrome, and since I do not know any young children with DS, I can't even imagine how he would be. Logan died because of his DS, which also makes it hard for me to picture him as a living little boy with DS. And I can not see him as a "normal" living boy as he had DS from conception. I do not see him in the wind, in nature, in God, in other babies. I do not see him in my dreams. Logan will always be an enigma to me.

How did the loss of your last pregnancy affect your choices/decisions about the birth of your subsequent pregnancy?

I am not currently pregnant, and there are no plans to become pregnant any time soon. Logan didn't die due to any birth or pregnancy complications, so I don't feel any different about the way I would have birthed him had he survived, nor how I will birth the next one. I would still have a hospital birth, natural, induced or c-section...which ever the doctor thinks is best. The goal would be to have a live, take home baby, so whatever that would take...I'm in. I do know that I will probably be uber-cautious during my pregnancy. But then, I was with my other two pregnancies too.


Laura said...

I'm so sorry for your loss of Logan. When I lost my son he was a baby in my mind for a long time- then all of a sudden- he's five to me. I know a lot of children with DS- (I'm a teacher)- I just felt like writing and telling you that I was sorry- I just feel sad...

Michele said...

Sending hugs... What a beautiful post...

Carla said...

I found with each passing year my mind would think about what he would be like or doing (had he been healthy)...going to kindergarten, riding a bike etc. I don't know if that makes it harder or easier. As the years go by it's more of a passing thought. When I see a boy his age or think of a certain milestone. I don't think about it in anger or grief really anymore...more of a satisfying day dream.
Your little Logan, had he survived the health complications that came with his DS, would have been a beautiful little boy that happened to have DS. He would have had a big contagious smile. He would have been a big snuggler and giver of hugs. He might have not learned to walk untill 1 1/2 or 2 but after that he would be all over the place and into and onto everything! He would learn to talk, he would go to school, he would be your extra special joyful lovable boy. I hope saying this doesn't make things worse for you. I totally understand the enigma surrounding Logan. I imagine my Samuel as a healthy 9 year old....I guess thats because what I picture him as in Heaven. Truth is with T18 he would never likely have survived to 9 years and if he did he would have been severly affected. Not that I wouldn't have taken him whatever way he came. :) Blessings come in all forms. The sad part is our little blessings weren't in our lives very long.

Don't be afraid to get help with the depression and grief. A counsellor, medication whatever you need to get through the dark place. Its a long hard road.

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