"You get what you pay for, but I just had no intention of living this way." -Counting Crows

Why We're Here...

My husband David and I delivered a stillborn Baby Boy that we loved, and wanted. Our first and only son, Logan, had Down Syndrome. Our daughter's smile is a little light in the darkness. She turned one year old three days after our sweet Logan tip-toed away on January 24, 2009. After 2 1/2 years we found out we were having another baby, whom we affectionatly called Rudy. Just shy of 6 weeks we found out Rudy was Ectopic. Rudy was surgically removed on May 26, 2011 delivering another blow to our already broken hearts.


I'm back

Well, I'm back. The trip was what it was. I didn't really find any peace, but I was distracted for the most part. I really just wanted to come home. Yesterday the day seemed easier to be in. But I noticed this morning that I feel the weight pressing me down again. Not as bad as it was last week, almost like you see the fog drifting in and the mist sort of rises up around you, but you can still see through it for the most part. Anyhow, I realized that everything around me is adding to the depression. I feel lousy because I've been eating crap and I've gained 10lbs this month. My house is a constant thorn in my side, always messy and I never seem to get in front of the mess. And my dog, who I've come to realize I can't really get rid of, probably shouldn't, but still find her to be such an annoyance. Then, there's Logan. Last night I was so determined that things were going to change around here. That I was going to start eating right and exercising again...regardless if the weight wants to come off or not. I seemed to have felt better, physically if not emotionally though I think emotionally too, before this month long hiatus from giving a crap about my body. I was going to get up and clean and do all of the projects I wanted to get done around here, even if I "didn't want to" or "don't feel" like it. I was just going to do it anyway. But then here I stand this morning. No umph. No desire. No motivation to change anything. Just full of the desire to sit down and watch TV and zone out and not think about how awful I feel and how crummy my life seems. I started out ok. I watered my pathetic excuse for a garden this morning while my daughter played in the grass and walked around with her wagon. Then her grandma came to pick her up...which is a nice break for me once in a while but also seems to be what triggers more depression. Like I don't have the distraction of chasing around my crazed 18 month old, and my thoughts bang around the inside of my skull, and beat me down until I'm consumed with them and in a pile of tears. Then I called T-Mobile. That's where I went wrong I guess. I called about some international roaming data charges. I live in Michigan, across the river from Ontario. Apparently there's a lot of international signal bouncing going on here. So, I get charged for Canadian cell usage...when I'm at home...in Michigan. And if I just had to call now and then to get a credit, I'd be annoyed but whatever. But today, they refused to give me my $11 credit for data services. I don't even have a data plan. I have WiFi. It's free. But apparently when I think I am using my WiFi, I could really be using the Canadian data plan. They were real butts about it this morning and I hate to argue with people on the phone. I'm not good at it. I'm not persuasive. I just get mad, which makes me shake and feel nauseous. I hate it. It bums me out and ruins my whole day. I wish my DH would just take care of that sort of thing, but he's such a busy guy...and I'm not. He's so persuasive though, and political, and smooth. He could sell a light bulb to a blind man. Sigh. Anyhow, I'm just bummed out now. I did manage to pour Drano down my slow draining tub drain. I guess that's something. I am overwhelmed by the amount of stuff I need to post and sell on eBay and Etsy, but I can't even seem to get up enough gumption to update my listing software. And feeling like I am failing at everyday life brings me down even further.

On a lighter note, my Rose of Sharon has finally taken off this year and it pleases me. Except that I didn't think about how dirty of a plant it would be dropping all of the dead flowers all over my rocks. And no. I'm not one of those people who would go pick them up and throw them away. I can barely shower, I'm not about to be that anal. And, I noticed today that my tomato plant has 11 green tomatoes. BUT (help me out here gardeners) my Basil plant is a light green almost yellow color, and not the deep green I think it's supposed to be. Sigh. Whatever. I'll probably just kill it anyway. Well, I'm hungry. And aside from stuffing ice cream in my belly, there isn't much to eat her for lunch that doesn't require a ton of effort. Maybe I'll just switch back to HerbaLife...at least making a shake is pretty effortless, and it fills me up. I need to go grocery shopping too, I suppose. Anyhow, thought I'd say I was home (and "happy" to be home) and I feel like I'm in a less dark place, but certainly not in the light yet. Gotta love the ebs and flow of grief. But, maybe we'll play cards tonight and I'll get a cocktail and enjoy my evening, and not think about the crap in my life for a little while.

4 comments:

Tracey said...

6 months has been a rough time for me as well, so I understand much of the pain, overwhelmedness and depression you are expressing.

Sending you love. I wish I could do more....but know that we're here, listening and missing Logan with you.

Mary said...

Gosh Heather. I am so sorry that you are feeling crappy. I wish I had more. Just know that you can e-mail me whenever you need. I can get them on my phone which is attached to my hip. I am here to listen.

Hoping your day gets better.

KuKd Chick said...

Argh, heartfelt post. ((hugs)). I'm sorry you're feeling yucky.

caitsmom said...

Oh, dear, I know that feeling of inertia, when nothing seems to be moving--least of all you and the guilt that comes with needing to be still. Sending hugs and love. I am so sorry.

Peace.

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