"You get what you pay for, but I just had no intention of living this way." -Counting Crows

Why We're Here...

My husband David and I delivered a stillborn Baby Boy that we loved, and wanted. Our first and only son, Logan, had Down Syndrome. Our daughter's smile is a little light in the darkness. She turned one year old three days after our sweet Logan tip-toed away on January 24, 2009. After 2 1/2 years we found out we were having another baby, whom we affectionatly called Rudy. Just shy of 6 weeks we found out Rudy was Ectopic. Rudy was surgically removed on May 26, 2011 delivering another blow to our already broken hearts.

Flippin' off the blues!

I've been blue lately. If I'm honest I'd say its been since just before Logan's anniversary. That's like 3 weeks now. I don't feel like I'm in the pit...yet, but I've definitely been wallowing in the deep end. I hate having the blues. It really messes up my day(s). Nothing gets done. I beat myself up and give in to all sorts of self deprecating talk and behavior. I keeps me from sleeping. Like tonight. Pile on top of that some other unfortunate events that have gone down in my personal life recently and you've got a real recipe for a blues fest. My eyeballs would be swimming in vodka right now if it wasn't for this stupid Metformin, which frankly I'm not sure has done so much to help. The problem is that I have faith in people, and I take them on their word. The doc said it would help...I believed her. But...

I have really gotten bad at wishing my days away. Which is not good for someone like me who has a hard time letting go of the past, and is very much afraid of growing old and dying.

And I tell myself all of the time, things have got to change. I need to change. I need to buck up and get it done. Force myself to be the "Suzie" that my dh thought he was getting when we got married. But I struggle with pulling myself up and dusting myself off. I struggle with caring. The evidence is all around me. Everything from the laundry that I haven't managed to get on top of since Christmas time (no joke), to the dust that is literally hanging from my ceiling fan blades, to the dog goop that is slung on my walls to the fat that graces (and not gracefully I might add) my rear end. The thing is, I care. I do, deep down in side. At night when I lay in bed and realize that another day slipped past where I failed at being the person I wanted to be, the person my daughter deserves, the person my husband counts on. I care when I am fighting the urge to hurl something through my large kitchen windows because I am so sick and tired of the grime and clutter. The never ending-ness of the mess that I not only can not seem to get a handle on, but certainly can't seem to maintain. I care when I finally catch a glimpse of my fleshy, repugnant body that I honestly don't recognize. I do care. But apparently not at the moments that count, or not enough.

But, tomorrow is Monday, and like most Mondays it will be a starting over point for me...again. Tonight as I sit her (caring) I'm determined to flip off the blues tomorrow and try to finally get the upper hand on my day to day existence. I feel so out of control and so stuck, the least I can do is gain some control over this house and this body. Maybe then I won't feel so stuck in the blues all of the time.


Emily said...

Oh, I'm having one of those months, too. LEt's start fresh today....I'm with you!

Catherine W said...

' . . another day slipped past where I failed at being the person I wanted to be, the person my daughter deserves, the person my husband counts on'

I know you might not feel like it right now Heather but you are a lovely, compassionate woman. A loving mother and wife. I know that much and I've never met you in person! You aren't a failure. Not in my eyes. I know it's hard but try to go easy on yourself.

My house also isn't as clean as it could be. my butt also isn't as small as it could be! But we're still here. We're still going on from one day to the next. I think we'll get there. We'll flip off those blues eventually. x

belle said...

there with you my friend..... let's flip off the blues together:)

Heather said...

I, too, am a member of the self-proclaimed, butt-too-big, house-too-dirty, good-for-nothing crew. I've sort-of felt entitled to be in that club, but now I feel my membership should be expiring, that I should get up and get on and get over myself. I was doing well for a few weeks with exercise and all that, and all it took was an injury and the whole house getting sick twice to throw me off and back to zero. Although it is a different Monday, I will begin again tomorrow too.
It's just as important to take care of you as it is to take care of everyone else, don't forget that Heather. Easier said than done, I know, I need to follow my own advice. (())

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