"You get what you pay for, but I just had no intention of living this way." -Counting Crows

Why We're Here...

My husband David and I delivered a stillborn Baby Boy that we loved, and wanted. Our first and only son, Logan, had Down Syndrome. Our daughter's smile is a little light in the darkness. She turned one year old three days after our sweet Logan tip-toed away on January 24, 2009. After 2 1/2 years we found out we were having another baby, whom we affectionatly called Rudy. Just shy of 6 weeks we found out Rudy was Ectopic. Rudy was surgically removed on May 26, 2011 delivering another blow to our already broken hearts.

A year ago this time...

Do any of you go back and read your blog posts from a year ago or so? I got to wondering how I was doing around the 2 week post-incapacitating-horrible-event. I was seriously enraged. Funny, I still feel that way a lot of the time. I guess the anger is the part I hung onto the most. Then I found this paragraph in a post that really sounds like something I could have still written today. This is from a post from around the 8th of last year:
Today I took down all of the sympathy cards and threw out all of the dead and dying flowers that everyone was so kind to send. It’s been two weeks. And though two weeks seems like a flash in the pan, the day we lost Logan seems like a lifetime ago, certainly not two weeks ago. I couldn’t take the dead flowers anymore. I couldn’t take staring at the cards with their sad words. My brain wants to forget we lost a son. My heart won’t. It lingers there, the sadness, the emptiness that I always feel now. Like hunger, or that odd feeling you’ve forgotten something. I can’t explain it, but there is a spot that aches and is empty. I assume its Logan’s spot. The spot that would be filled with the memories of holding his newborn body while I nursed him or the spot that would be filled with the scent of his baby skin and hair. Or, the spot that would be filled with the sound of his crying and his sighs.
Whatever it is, I think it’s Logan’s special spot. One I put aside for him six months ago when we found out we were being blessed with a son. But I can’t mix it back in with the rest of me. So, I guess I’ll always have that empty spot where Logan was supposed to have been.
I still feel that spot. It never did get mixed back in with the rest of me. And it is still a weird gnawing sensation that I can't quite put my finger on. And it does feel very much like hunger. Maybe that's what it really is, hunger pangs. Hunger to be filled with everything that should have been Logan. Its uncomfortable, still, twelve months and two weeks later.


Michele said...

I do go back and read my old posts from time to time. Sometimes it shocks me that I'm not that person anymore... Othertimes it reminds me of how much that person I still am.

Emily said...

when I go back a year, I'm reading happy "I'm pregnant!" news. It sucks. Sending you hugs...

Mary said...

I to go back to read my posts. Sometimes I cry just as hard as I cried writing those posts. That longing for my son will always be there.

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