2 New Song's For Logan

I added two new songs to Logan's Playlist.
They are "You Have Been Loved" by George Michael and
"If Teardrops Were Diamonds" by Dwight Yoakam & Willie Nelson

You Have Been Loved - George Michael
She takes the back road and the lane
Past the school that has not changed
In all this time
She thinks of when the boy was young
All the battles she had won
Just to give him life
That man
She loved that man
For all his life
But now we meet to take him flowers
And only God knows why
For what's the use in pressing palms
When children fade in mother's arms
It's a cruel world
We've so much to lose
And what we have to learn, we rarely choose
So if it's God who took her son
He cannot be the one
Living in her mind
Take care my love, she said
Don't think that God is dead
Take care my love, she said
You have been loved
If I was weak, forgive me
But I was terrified
You brushed my eyes with angel's wings
Full of love
The kind that makes devils cry
So these days
My life has changed
And I'll be fine
But she just sits and counts the hours
Searching for her crime
So what's the use of pressing palms
If you won't keep such love from harm
It's a cruel world
You've so much to prove
And heaven help the ones who wait for you
Well, I've no daughters, I've no sons
Guess I'm the only one
Living in my life
Take care my love, he said
Don't think that God is dead
Take care my love, he said
You have been loved

If Teardrops Were Diamonds - Dwight Yoakam & Willie Nelson
If teardrops were diamonds
And only mine were used
They could pave every highway coast to coast
And not be close to through
If teardrops were diamonds, cold blue.
If heartaches were rubies
Stacked up just like stones
There would be a mountain ten miles high
Built by mine alone
If heartaches were rubies, mine alone.
You might begin to understand
The price that love has to pay for being wrong
If sad thoughts were emeralds
And with not counting in between
Just half the ones I've had today
Could turn the whole world green
If sad thoughts were emeralds
And the world turned green
You might just get the message that
There's more to loneliness than can be seen
If teardrops were diamonds
And only mine were used...

2 songs and a book

Ok, so riding the elliptical and listening to my tunes I heard this song by Brian Addams called "Please Forgive Me". Once again I cried like a baby. Here are the Lyrics:

It still feels like our first night together. Feels like the first kiss. It's getting better baby.
No one can better this. Still holding on. You're still the one. First time our eyes met,
Same feeling I get. Only feels much stronger. I wanna love you longer.
Do you still turn the fire on?
So if you're feeling lonely, don't. You're the only one I'll ever want. I only want to make it go.
So if I love you a little more than I should. Please forgive me, I know not what I do. Please forgive me, I can't stop loving you. Don't deny me, this pain I'm going through. Please forgive me, if I need you like I do. Please believe me (Oh believe it), every word I say is true. Please forgive me, I can't stop loving you.
Still feels like our best times are together. Feels like the first touch. Still getting closer baby. Can't get close enough. Still holding on. You're still number one.
I remember the smell of your skin. I remember everything. I remember all the moves. I remember you yeah. I remember the nights, you know I still do.

So if you're feeling lonely, don't. You're the only one I'll ever want. I only want to make it go. So if I love you a little more than I should. Please forgive me, I know not what I do. Please forgive me, I can't stop loving you. Don't deny me, this pain I'm going through. Please forgive me, if I need you like I do. Please believe me (Oh believe it), every word I say is true. Please forgive me, I can't stop loving you.

The one thing I'm sure of Is the way we make love. The one thing I depend on Is for us to stay strong. With every word and every breath I'm praying. That's why I'm saying.

Please forgive me, I know not what I do. Please forgive me, I can't stop loving you. Don't deny me, this pain I'm going through. Please forgive me, if I need you like I do. Babe believe it, every word I say is true. Please forgive me, if I can't stop loving you. No, believe, I don't know what I do. Please forgive me, I can't stop loving you. I can't stop loving you.

Obviously you have to ignore some of the more bedroomy type lines. More so I related to the Chorus. Or really I think what got me was the one part "Please forgive me, I know not what I do. Please forgive me, I can't stop loving you. Don't deny me, this pain I'm going through. Please forgive me, if I need you like I do" And not so much to my son, but more so to the rest of the world. As in, please forgive me for grieving, for not moving on, for not getting over it. Because, for me, to get over it means to stop loving my son. So, forgive me "real" world, I can't stop loving my son. And I really DON'T know what I'm doing. This is all so foreign to me. And I'm tired of feeling like I am being denied my right to go through this pain, this grieving. And forgive me for needing those around me for comfort. Forgive my inconvenient, and uncomfortable tragedy.

And then this part hit me deep too, "Still feels like our best times are together. Feels like the first touch. Still getting closer baby. Can't get close enough. Still holding on. You're still number one. I remember the smell of your skin. I remember everything. I remember all the moves. I remember you yeah. I remember the nights, you know I still do. So if you're feeling lonely, don't. You're the only one I'll ever want."

Then, and probably because I was already weepy, Paul Simon's song...Slip Sliding Away decided to punch me in the face..."I know a woman, became a wife. These are the very words she uses to describe her life. She said a good day ain't got no rain. She said a bad days when I lie in bed and think of things that might have been." And all I could think was "YEAH!!" But then this part "God only knows. God makes his plan. The information's unavailable to the mortal man. We work our jobs. Collect our pay. Believe were gliding down the highway, when in fact were slip slidin away" and all I could do was sigh. Because regardless of your beliefs it boils down to that one line "The information's unavailable to the mortal man."

I'm reading Elizabeth McCracken's book "An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination". It's similar to reading a blog. I'm little over half way through the book and it's basically her describing how it went for her, how she felt, how she coped. It's not a feel good book. It's not a how to survive book. It's just her story. But I have read two things that I find profound (to my little pea brain). At one point she says "Closure is bullshit" and it was like an "Ah ha!" moment for me! Because for so long now I keep searching for ways to find closure, and it's deeply concerned me that is doesn't seem that anyone in this club has found any. At least from where I stand. So to hear someone say "Closure is bullshit" was like hearing permission to stop looking, because I'm not going to find it. And suddenly closure didn't seem all that important to me anymore. It's odd how little things can leave such an impact on us.
"You can never guess at the complicated history of strangers" That was the other profound thing. I find myself going through days, seeing woman with babies, pregnant bellies...and I assume it's their first, or that everything is going just fine. In reality though, I don't know. Maybe they've had several dead babies. Maybe the child they're carrying is ill. Maybe they've been told that baby will die. Maybe not. But upon reading that I began to look at these woman differently. Because, after all, if they can't see my sign, than obviously I can't see theirs either. Anyhow, these are the ramblings of an exhausted, and sad woman who should be sleeping but is terrified to go to bed alone. So...at 1:30am, I sit her awaiting my husbands return so that I might find security beside me in my wretched bed.

"No Address in the Stars" - Caitlin & Will

Most everyone knows by now that I love music. It speaks to me, I suppose. So I heard this song for the first time today... I thought I'd share it. It wasn't available on my playlist website, so I couldn't add it. Here are the lyrics though.

No Address in the Stars

(Caitlin & Will)

verse 1: I stumbled across your picture today. I could barely breathe; the moment stopped me cold and grabbed me like a thief. I dialed your number but you wouldnt be there. I knew the whole time, but its still not fair. I just wanted to hear your voice. I just needed to hear your voice.

chorus: What do I do with all I need to say? So much I wanna tell you everyday. Though it breaks my heart, I cry these tears in the dark. I write these letters to you but they get lost in the blue, cause theres no address in the stars.

verse 2: Now I'm drivin through the pitch black dark. I'm screaming at the sky oh cause it hurts so bad. Everybody tells me oh all I need is time. Then the mornin rolls in and it hits me again. Light. Aint nothin but a lie.

chorus: What do I do with all I need to say. So much I wanna tell you everyday. Though it breaks my heart; I cry these tears in the dark. I write these letters to you but they get lost in the blue, cause theres no address in the stars.

verse 3: without you here with me i dont know what to do id give anything just to talk to you though it breaks my heart oh it breaks my heart all i can do is write these letters to you but theres no address in the stars

Another cosmic kick in the teeth...ok, that's a tad dramatic.

I'm sure, by now, everyone here knows that I started a diet blog with my girlfriend last week. It really helped me to stay on track last week. But after a week of stellar performance (excluding my free day yesterday) of dieting and exercising and lifting weights, I didn't loose an ounce. So, first thing this morning it felt like I got another cosmic kick in the teeth. It's odd how the stupid little things lately are the ones that send me plunging into the abyss of despair. I know I'm being very dramatic this morning. Sigh, I'm just really disappointed and discouraged, and frankly I can't deal with the little disappointments of life anymore. Anyhow, here's the thing. Logan's death has affected me on every possible front. And I find when I am writing in my diet blog I have to reference Logan. But, I want to keep the blog upbeat, and I really don't want to share my feelings about Logan. I want people to comment on my dieting, not that they are sorry my son died. That's what this blog is for. But, unless people know what I've been through lately (the best that they can know I suppose) they won't understand why I feel so desperate. I'm not big on sharing my feelings and emotions with people I know. Anyone I know, knows that about me. Remember the song Tears of a Clown? When I was younger my mom used that song to describe me once. I never forgot it. You'll find the lyrics below. Anyhow, I feel weird talking about Logan on that blog. I hate that I feel weird talking about my son. Actually it's more that I feel weird about talking about my hurt and disappointment and frustrations relating to Logan's death, not Logan himself. I don't even talk to my girl friend about it. We've been friends for 22 years or so. Since we were 10 years old! But, we've never had that type of relationship. Plus I'm trying to deal with some anger issues towards her. And frankly I just can't talk to her about what I'm going through. So, I don't like splashing my emotions over Logan across the pages of my diet blog. But I know that people will just think I'm being dramatic over weight loss when that's not really the case and there is such a huge sorrow under the surface. My friends and family are on my weight loss blog. I only have one friend that has access to this blog, and that's only because he wears these ugly shoes too. In fact, he's started his own blog about the still birth of his own daughter last year. Anyhow, I just don't know how to separate Logan from the rest of the world. I don't know how to write about being pissed about the number on my scale this morning with out backing up the reason with the enormous disappointment I feel over my son. And I don't know why I am so scared for my friends and family to know what is bubbling under the surface of this very plastic smile. This morning I wanted to hurl that scale through the bathroom window. And I honestly think it was more because I was pissed that once again I feel like I was kicked in the teeth with disappointment after I tried so hard. Anyhow, here's that song.

The Tears of a Clown

--------------------

Smokey Robinson & The Miracles

Now if there's a smile on my face, it's only there tryin' to fool the public, but when it comes down to foolin' you; Now honey, that's quite a different subject. But don't let my glad expression give you the wrong impression. Really I'm sad. I'm sadder than sad. You're gone and I'm hurtin' so bad. Like a clown I pretend to be glad. (chorus) Now there's some sad things known to man, but ain't too much sadder than the tears of a clown when there's no one around. Now if I appear to be carefree, it's only to camouflage my sadness. In order to shield my pride I try to cover the hurt with a show of gladness. But don't let my show convince you that I've been happy since you decided to go. Oh, I need you so. I'm hurt and I want you to know. (chorus) Just like Pagliacci did, I try to keep my sadness hid. Smilin' in the public eye while in my lonely room I cry the tears of a clown when there's no one around.

Oh look at that. Another break up song that fits the sound track of my life lately! So yes, of course, I added it to Logan's playlist! It's amazing that break ups seem as dramatic as baby deaths. I guess hurt is hurt, and I'm glad there are people out there that can write music that speaks to me.