"You get what you pay for, but I just had no intention of living this way." -Counting Crows

Why We're Here...

My husband David and I delivered a stillborn Baby Boy that we loved, and wanted. Our first and only son, Logan, had Down Syndrome. Our daughter's smile is a little light in the darkness. She turned one year old three days after our sweet Logan tip-toed away on January 24, 2009. After 2 1/2 years we found out we were having another baby, whom we affectionatly called Rudy. Just shy of 6 weeks we found out Rudy was Ectopic. Rudy was surgically removed on May 26, 2011 delivering another blow to our already broken hearts.

Another cosmic kick in the teeth...ok, that's a tad dramatic.

I'm sure, by now, everyone here knows that I started a diet blog with my girlfriend last week. It really helped me to stay on track last week. But after a week of stellar performance (excluding my free day yesterday) of dieting and exercising and lifting weights, I didn't loose an ounce. So, first thing this morning it felt like I got another cosmic kick in the teeth. It's odd how the stupid little things lately are the ones that send me plunging into the abyss of despair. I know I'm being very dramatic this morning. Sigh, I'm just really disappointed and discouraged, and frankly I can't deal with the little disappointments of life anymore. Anyhow, here's the thing. Logan's death has affected me on every possible front. And I find when I am writing in my diet blog I have to reference Logan. But, I want to keep the blog upbeat, and I really don't want to share my feelings about Logan. I want people to comment on my dieting, not that they are sorry my son died. That's what this blog is for. But, unless people know what I've been through lately (the best that they can know I suppose) they won't understand why I feel so desperate. I'm not big on sharing my feelings and emotions with people I know. Anyone I know, knows that about me. Remember the song Tears of a Clown? When I was younger my mom used that song to describe me once. I never forgot it. You'll find the lyrics below. Anyhow, I feel weird talking about Logan on that blog. I hate that I feel weird talking about my son. Actually it's more that I feel weird about talking about my hurt and disappointment and frustrations relating to Logan's death, not Logan himself. I don't even talk to my girl friend about it. We've been friends for 22 years or so. Since we were 10 years old! But, we've never had that type of relationship. Plus I'm trying to deal with some anger issues towards her. And frankly I just can't talk to her about what I'm going through. So, I don't like splashing my emotions over Logan across the pages of my diet blog. But I know that people will just think I'm being dramatic over weight loss when that's not really the case and there is such a huge sorrow under the surface. My friends and family are on my weight loss blog. I only have one friend that has access to this blog, and that's only because he wears these ugly shoes too. In fact, he's started his own blog about the still birth of his own daughter last year. Anyhow, I just don't know how to separate Logan from the rest of the world. I don't know how to write about being pissed about the number on my scale this morning with out backing up the reason with the enormous disappointment I feel over my son. And I don't know why I am so scared for my friends and family to know what is bubbling under the surface of this very plastic smile. This morning I wanted to hurl that scale through the bathroom window. And I honestly think it was more because I was pissed that once again I feel like I was kicked in the teeth with disappointment after I tried so hard. Anyhow, here's that song.
The Tears of a Clown
Smokey Robinson & The Miracles

Now if there's a smile on my face, it's only there tryin' to fool the public, but when it comes down to foolin' you; Now honey, that's quite a different subject. But don't let my glad expression give you the wrong impression. Really I'm sad. I'm sadder than sad. You're gone and I'm hurtin' so bad. Like a clown I pretend to be glad. (chorus) Now there's some sad things known to man, but ain't too much sadder than the tears of a clown when there's no one around. Now if I appear to be carefree, it's only to camouflage my sadness. In order to shield my pride I try to cover the hurt with a show of gladness. But don't let my show convince you that I've been happy since you decided to go. Oh, I need you so. I'm hurt and I want you to know. (chorus) Just like Pagliacci did, I try to keep my sadness hid. Smilin' in the public eye while in my lonely room I cry the tears of a clown when there's no one around.
Oh look at that. Another break up song that fits the sound track of my life lately! So yes, of course, I added it to Logan's playlist! It's amazing that break ups seem as dramatic as baby deaths. I guess hurt is hurt, and I'm glad there are people out there that can write music that speaks to me.


Anonymous said...

Hey, babe! If you don't want to get deep into emotional stuff on your diet blog, just reference a life altering loss that you are dealing with and leave it to that. What is it with us non girly girls keeping things to ourselves? I think you are dealing in the best way you are able. Keep it up, it will get better, not go away but .. get better.

Are you emotionally tying your weightloss to your control of your body? IE: You couldn't control your pregnancy, so getting your weight where you want it is a way to mold yourself. Heather, You never failed at being pregnant. You aren't failing with losing weight. Your loss was NOT your fault. Muscle weighs more than fat! :)

I recently spoke to my cousin who has 3 grown, healthy children. She brought up Dusty, her firstborn. She wears a ring that is for him and she lost him 2 days after he was born. Thing is, I remember her losing him way back when I was a kid. But, I never knew what was the problem. My grandmother said she and her husband must just not be compatible. Ignorance. She said Dusty had DS with complications in his lungs, kidneys and heart. He had Hydrops. She never got to hold him. She says she misses him but it gets easier.

Love you!

Living With Loss said...

Hi Heather

Thank you for all your kind comments on my blog - it's so good to talk to someone who just gets it! Though I'm sorry you do. I know our experiences aren't exactly the same but I can often relate to many things that you write. And I know you said that you don't like to express your feelings to those you know in real life but can I just say that you are excellent at portraying your feelings here and your writing is so often captivating.

Your comment on my blog about pregnancy losses being like winning the lottery and then not being allowed to cash the cheque was spot on! You have all the excitment and happiness when you see that positive test and then it gets cruely stolen away and you can't enjoy the ending.

Thanks also for the tips on weight gain! Until the other week I was being prescribed the build up milkshakes from my Doctor but we decided that it would be just as beneficial to make my own (same amount of calories) because the prescribed ones taste so gross!! You're right though that drinking more calories is so much easier than eating them.

Sorry to hear that you are struggling with the diet right now. It's not surprising that your emotions about Logan are getting tangled up with it all. Perhaps on your diet blog you could just say that you are going through a lot emotionally right now which is affecting your weight loss - you don't have to go into details if you don't feel comfortable.

It's difficult and tiring wearing that plastic smile all the time, I understand that.

Take care, N x

CLC said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog. I am so sorry for the loss of your little Logan. You are facing such a difficult journey. I have to tell you that my experience was that it got a whole lot worse before it felt "better". I put that in quotes, because it never feels better, but I guess we just learn to accept it and live with it. I wish you weren't a part of this club, but I am glad you found it. The blogoverse has been my lifeline these past 15 months.

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