"You get what you pay for, but I just had no intention of living this way." -Counting Crows

Why We're Here...

My husband David and I delivered a stillborn Baby Boy that we loved, and wanted. Our first and only son, Logan, had Down Syndrome. Our daughter's smile is a little light in the darkness. She turned one year old three days after our sweet Logan tip-toed away on January 24, 2009. After 2 1/2 years we found out we were having another baby, whom we affectionatly called Rudy. Just shy of 6 weeks we found out Rudy was Ectopic. Rudy was surgically removed on May 26, 2011 delivering another blow to our already broken hearts.

Just to clarify...and boo hoo some more!

Yesterday's post was a little misunderstood...I think. It's not that I'm afraid to LOOSE my grief, because frankly, I wouldn't mind that at all! I'm afraid I'm loosing TO my grief. I feel like I am going under a little more everyday and that it's beating me.

I don't know what my problem is. I mean, any more so than any other given day. But these last few days I can't shake it. I feel engulfed by darkness. Not just the weepies and boo hoo's...but dark, scary, all encompassing, hell-like feelings. Maybe it's what real depression looks like. I don't know. But it scares me. I don't want to go there. Ever see the movie with Robin Williams "What Dreams May Come"? That place. Where the wife is. That's where I am. I hate being here.


Barbara said...

Ah... my mistake.

It's still so very very fresh for you, it will get better and worse and easier and harder and one day you'll be ok.


Living With Loss said...

So sorry you're feeling so depressed - it can be a very scary place. But you will get through it - I know it doesn't feel like that right now though.

Look after yourself, N x

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