"You get what you pay for, but I just had no intention of living this way." -Counting Crows

Why We're Here...

My husband David and I delivered a stillborn Baby Boy that we loved, and wanted. Our first and only son, Logan, had Down Syndrome. Our daughter's smile is a little light in the darkness. She turned one year old three days after our sweet Logan tip-toed away on January 24, 2009. After 2 1/2 years we found out we were having another baby, whom we affectionatly called Rudy. Just shy of 6 weeks we found out Rudy was Ectopic. Rudy was surgically removed on May 26, 2011 delivering another blow to our already broken hearts.

Under the Tree Questions for February

Ok, so I get that I'm pretty late to this, but I like the idea that Carly has and I'd like to participate. So, here's my answer's to February's Under the Tree questions:
How long have you been blogging for?
I started blogging in January '09, four days after my son was born still.
Why did you start?
A friend of mine sent me a link to Certainly Not Cool Enough to Blog. I read Kristen's blog, all four years, in about a week and a half. I thought that it would be very therapeutic for me to write one too. I seem to be able to express myself more on "paper" than when I talk, and I felt like I had a lot to say and no one to say it to.
What do you want from writing?
Relief. Peace. Understanding. I want to feel like I've said my piece, that I've been heard and that there are those out there who "get it". I want to get all of the horror of this tragedy out of me.
Where is safest place for you to share your feelings?
On this blog. I hate feeling vulnerable and open with people face to face. Here in blogland I don't feel like I have to explain myself or risk being judged. And if I am, I don't have to look the assailant in the eye. It makes it easier for me to be honest.
Is there anywhere you feel completely accepted just being however you are really feeling?
Here in blogland. That's one of the great things about being here, we're all anonymous.
Can you recommend any books that you have read that have given you a new insight, hope or courage in this new life you find yourself in?
Empty Arms by Cherokee Isle, the hospital gave it to me and I soaked in every single word. This is the only one I've finished. I am currently reading Elizabeth McCracken's book An Exact Replica of a Figment of my Imagination.
How would you describe yourself before you lost your baby.
This is hard to answer. I always saw myself very differently than I suspect those around me did. I was such a dooms dayer. Pessimistic. Paranoid. But, I laughed a lot and found joy in silly little things. I was a very anxiety ridden person, always worried. I took a lot of things for granted and was pretty selfish and spoiled.
How have you changed, who are you today?
I'm still learning who this new me is. It's only been two months. I don't think I laugh as much. I'm far more paranoid and anxious now, but I find I have little compassion or empathy for the insignificant drama that surrounds me. I have a hard time caring about anything anymore. I feel like my worse fear came true, so now I'm just waiting for the rest to come true too.
How do you think you are coping?
I think I am coping. I don't have suicidal thoughts, I have laughed, I do try to find the joy. Blogging helps me to cope, and reading everyone else's blogs helps me to not feel so isolated.
Do you see any light in this road or is it all dark right now?
It's all pretty dark. I know that I'll survive, and I'll go on with life. But I know it in my head, not my heart. I still cry several times a week. I'm still terrified.
Where do you imagine yourself to be in a years time?
I'd like to be pregnant. I would love to bring more children into this world. I would like to have more happy days than sad days. I would like to be more comfortable with my emotions and feelings about my son and to be able to talk about him with everyone, not just on my blog or with a few outsiders. I would like to find peace about my sons death, and not to live in fear. I would like to be able to remember him with a smile every time I think about him, and not tears and heartache.


Lea said...

Great answers, Heather. Honest and heartfelt. We are all here for you.


Mrs. A said...

Thanks for sharing Heather! This is me sending you big hugs!

angie said...

Just sending you massive ((hugs)), Heather.

"would like to find peace about my sons death, and not to live in fear."

That is a good goal. I would like that for myself too...much love.

Amy said...

Sometimes the tears are the smiles. Sometimes we cry because the joy we have for our sons fills our hearts so much it has to come out somewhere and tears are where the joy comes out. I get it though, I do, I don't want to remember the bad times I only want the good ones!
Walking with you in the journey of grief and holding your hand.

jennifergrafgroneberg said...

Sending you my love and support, and wishing for you that that day will come, too. I think it will, in time.


Anonymous said...

Coming by via CJ/Miss E. to give my condolences... so sorry. Wish I could do more than virtual hugs. I will pass along a beautiful website for other parents who have lost their baby called Glow in The Woods, (http://www.glowinthewoods.com). It is truly a warm and special place. You are in my thoughts and heart. What a wonderful post you shared...

Sara said...

Light will come in the darkness; joy will rise and live along with the sorrow. I wish you could know your Logan.

Emalee said...

Thank you for sharing.

Danielle Holsapple said...

Thanks for sharing under the tree.....you are so brave!

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