"You get what you pay for, but I just had no intention of living this way." -Counting Crows

Why We're Here...

My husband David and I delivered a stillborn Baby Boy that we loved, and wanted. Our first and only son, Logan, had Down Syndrome. Our daughter's smile is a little light in the darkness. She turned one year old three days after our sweet Logan tip-toed away on January 24, 2009. After 2 1/2 years we found out we were having another baby, whom we affectionatly called Rudy. Just shy of 6 weeks we found out Rudy was Ectopic. Rudy was surgically removed on May 26, 2011 delivering another blow to our already broken hearts.

They don't deserve kids!

I know my son dying and another's living isn't supposed to be fair, or rational, or even comparable. But I can't help myself. I look around and I see people who just do not deserve the blessing of children. People who fight over their children, who use their children as pawns. People who abuse their children. People who neglect their children, people too young to raise children...and me? Well, I guess I'm just supposed to accept it. Go along with it. And what are these people thinking? These idiots who call me and want to get my opinion? Who want to complain about their children to me? Who want to gripe about parenthood. Who are stupid enough to think I actually give a crap. My sister is prime example. She smoked during pregnancy, she smokes in the car with her children. She had an affair and moved a thousand miles away for 9 months, leaving behind her five year old and her nine month old. She just went back, 6 weeks after Logan died. I'd like to be naive enough to believe she realized how lucky she was. And now, her husband and her fight over their boys, using them as pawns in their petty game to hurt one another. And she actually calls me with her self inflicted drama to ask my opinion about her kids..."Oh my! Whatever shall I do?? Poor me." Seriously. I wanted to reach through the phone and sucker punch her. Which she quickly got and hung up the phone after I told her I thought it was shameful that her and her husband were being such idiots and to stop fighting over her children. I hate this. I know I say that a lot, but I do. I really, truly, sincerely hate all of this.

I watch the TV show The Secret Life of an American Teenager on ABCfamily. The main character is pregnant, at 15, from a one night stand. That's what the entire show is about. I used to love it. I've watched it from day one. Tonight season 2 ends. Yesterday was the first time I've watched an episode since Logan died in January. I just didn't think I could handle it. I know it's fictional, but then not really. It happens all of the time. Teenagers getting pregnant. And I've realized lately that it's been a predominant subject line in most of my shows. Last weeks episode of Bones (my favorite show) was about a high school volleyball teem getting pregnant. I wanted to scream! And I remember girls in HS getting pregnant. My BF got pregnant just out of high school. Another close friend got pregnant at 15 (her baby died shortly after birth). My step mother was 15 when she got preggers with my step brother. Teens. Pregnant. Teens. Giving birth to healthy babies. Not me. Not this time.

I hate that this is such a part of me. It gives me such definition. "Hi. I'm Heather. I gave birth to a dead baby." there's no getting away from it. Even if I never tell another soul, I'll know. I hate that there's no changing the facts. It's like trying to be a different height. It's impossible. You can change your weight, your hair color, even your eye color. But you can't change this. It's a fact. One that won't ever change. I hate the finality of it all. I hate knowing that, at least according to others, yes it'll get easier, or further away...but it will always be there. Even if I have another child. Even if I have another boy. He/she will never be Logan. He/she will never be the baby that died. I will always have a dead baby. I hate that.


Ter said...

Unfortunately, I understand and relate to every single word you wrote here. ((big hugs))

Have you heard of SHARE? It is a website with great wonderful people who have all lost babies too. Seriously, they helped ALOT my first year or so. I don't go there that much anymore, but I still recommend them.

(they recently changed their URL address and I can never remember it anymore ... but if you google "national share office" or Share pregnancy loss, it should get you there. If not, let me know and I'll find it for you. If you're already a part of it, then good. :)

Carla Burlando said...

I'm so sorry you are in that place right now. Its so normal...what you are feeling is totally normal. Its not fair that you lost your baby and someone who can't or won't look after their baby has a healthy baby. I remember being so angry everytime I saw a story about a neglected child, saw a pregnant lady smoking, or watched daytime tv. I watched an episode of Jerry Springer (which I usually never do because I can't stand that show). Of course as usual it was paternity testing. They had woman on their who drug up several men not knowing which of the several men was the father. ???!!!! One woman who had a beautiful baby girl was yelling at one of the men that if he tested positive for paternity that she was his problem now and she didn't want the baby anymore. I screamed at her through the tv. Then I screamed at God. Then I cried. Why?
Still there are "mothers" everywhere who are not fit for the gift of life and will never appreciate it. There are children caught in the chaos. Its a tough one. Hang in there girl.

Mary said...

I was going to write a blog about my used to be favorite shows too. I too watched Secret Life. But I just realized all my shows have pregggers. One Tree Hill, Brothers and Sisters has a baby on the show now. Private Practice is a show about a doctor who specializes in pregnancies and they have a main character pregnant. But no one ever deals with the other side. I mean maybe for a little bit but you don't ever really see our side of it. Its mostly the happy healthy baby. No one ever tells our complete story.

Mrs. Spit said...

Thanks for your comment today. I'm sorry that you are here. It is hard to cope with these situations. It is hard that people are given the amazing gift of a baby, and they don't recognize it as a gift. I would imagine that it is particularly hard when it is your family. Sending hugs.

Aunt Becky said...

I can only imagine how tough it must be to see that sort of behavior while you're grieving. I hate seeing it too. And it's terrible that it's family. Man, that makes me FURIOUS.

I'm so sorry you have to watch it.

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