They don't deserve kids!

I know my son dying and another's living isn't supposed to be fair, or rational, or even comparable. But I can't help myself. I look around and I see people who just do not deserve the blessing of children. People who fight over their children, who use their children as pawns. People who abuse their children. People who neglect their children, people too young to raise children...and me? Well, I guess I'm just supposed to accept it. Go along with it. And what are these people thinking? These idiots who call me and want to get my opinion? Who want to complain about their children to me? Who want to gripe about parenthood. Who are stupid enough to think I actually give a crap. My sister is prime example. She smoked during pregnancy, she smokes in the car with her children. She had an affair and moved a thousand miles away for 9 months, leaving behind her five year old and her nine month old. She just went back, 6 weeks after Logan died. I'd like to be naive enough to believe she realized how lucky she was. And now, her husband and her fight over their boys, using them as pawns in their petty game to hurt one another. And she actually calls me with her self inflicted drama to ask my opinion about her kids..."Oh my! Whatever shall I do?? Poor me." Seriously. I wanted to reach through the phone and sucker punch her. Which she quickly got and hung up the phone after I told her I thought it was shameful that her and her husband were being such idiots and to stop fighting over her children. I hate this. I know I say that a lot, but I do. I really, truly, sincerely hate all of this.

I watch the TV show The Secret Life of an American Teenager on ABCfamily. The main character is pregnant, at 15, from a one night stand. That's what the entire show is about. I used to love it. I've watched it from day one. Tonight season 2 ends. Yesterday was the first time I've watched an episode since Logan died in January. I just didn't think I could handle it. I know it's fictional, but then not really. It happens all of the time. Teenagers getting pregnant. And I've realized lately that it's been a predominant subject line in most of my shows. Last weeks episode of Bones (my favorite show) was about a high school volleyball teem getting pregnant. I wanted to scream! And I remember girls in HS getting pregnant. My BF got pregnant just out of high school. Another close friend got pregnant at 15 (her baby died shortly after birth). My step mother was 15 when she got preggers with my step brother. Teens. Pregnant. Teens. Giving birth to healthy babies. Not me. Not this time.

I hate that this is such a part of me. It gives me such definition. "Hi. I'm Heather. I gave birth to a dead baby." there's no getting away from it. Even if I never tell another soul, I'll know. I hate that there's no changing the facts. It's like trying to be a different height. It's impossible. You can change your weight, your hair color, even your eye color. But you can't change this. It's a fact. One that won't ever change. I hate the finality of it all. I hate knowing that, at least according to others, yes it'll get easier, or further away...but it will always be there. Even if I have another child. Even if I have another boy. He/she will never be Logan. He/she will never be the baby that died. I will always have a dead baby. I hate that.