"You get what you pay for, but I just had no intention of living this way." -Counting Crows

Why We're Here...

My husband David and I delivered a stillborn Baby Boy that we loved, and wanted. Our first and only son, Logan, had Down Syndrome. Our daughter's smile is a little light in the darkness. She turned one year old three days after our sweet Logan tip-toed away on January 24, 2009. After 2 1/2 years we found out we were having another baby, whom we affectionatly called Rudy. Just shy of 6 weeks we found out Rudy was Ectopic. Rudy was surgically removed on May 26, 2011 delivering another blow to our already broken hearts.

Another rainy day?

I can't make up my mind. When it's sunny I'm depressed because the sun shouldn't shine when someone is dead (although if that were the case the sun would never shine), and when it's cloudy I'm depressed...well, because it's dreary and depressing. I hate the rain. Not the thunderstorm, we need the rain, it's a relief sort of rain. The rain that drizzles down when it's been cloudy and cold for days kind of rain. I hate winter. 10 more days till spring and it can't come soon enough. I've decided to start dieting...again. I've had a hard time with wanting to give a crap about my body lately. I mean, I've never really had a lot of will power or been good at dieting. I love to eat. I love food and drinks. I love to taste. I bask in the delight of food. I blame my mother for this. She loves food too. When we get together for something, it's always based around food. But, while I was pregnant with Logan I didn't have much of an appetite. Not the morning sickness kind, just no desire to eat. I didn't want to cook (more so than usual), I didn't want to sit down and do it. I rarely ever thought about it. But the moment he left me...whew! I've been on a one way track to hugeville stuffing my face with anything and everything. I love to drink too. Sunkist is my current weakness. I'm obsessed with it. I started drinking it during my first pregnancy because I thought it was caffiene free (I recently was informed that it is not!). I replaced my obsession with Mt. Dew Livewire with the Sunkist. I just love it. I love the way I feel holding that bottle. I love the taste, the fizz and the coldness. I've never thought of my self as an emotional eater...but I am certainly an emotional drinker. I love Mocha too. Another thing I gave up for almost two years. Ten months with my first pregnancy, then the breastfeeding, then my pregnancy with Logan...close to two years of "nothing naughty". I love frozen strawberry margharita's too, and an occasional splash of vanilla vodka in my Sunkist or Livewire (makes for a mean Orange Cream flavor!). Anyhow, I gave all of that up on my 29th birthday...just as I became pregnant with my daughter. I always did really good when I was pregnant. I only gained 20lbs with my first pregnancy right up until the last two weeks...when I gained an additional 10lbs because I couldn't stop eating cookies for some reason. Did I mention I'm a sugar addict?? Then with Logan, I only gained 6lbs for the 6 months I was pregnant with him. But after Logan died...I lost the 6 pounds right away. I didn't even try. I lost all of the baby wieght with Aubrey by month two. But about a week after Logan died, I lost any and all control that I once had. I ate everything in sight. I drank it too. One, sometimes two bottles of pop a day. That's a lot of sugar. And Reese's after Reese's and cookie after cookie. I put on 5 lbs with in a week. That doesn't sound like much, but I'm not skinny to start with. I mean, I'm not obese or anything, but I certainly should loose about 40lbs. Anyhow, I've started and stopped about three times now in the last month. But yesterday I actually sat myself down and decided to do it full blast. We'll see how that works out. I'm not real good with self control or will power. But I can't take the emotional drain I get when I see myself in the mirror. I have to spend that energy on Logan right now, and I can't afford to have anything else draining me. My girl friend wants to start a weight loss blog, the two of us. So, we'll do that, and see how it works out. I don't want to not give a crap about my body any more, but I don't know how to muster up the strength I know this takes.


Emily said...

Good luck! I am a sugar addict, too. And my drink of choice was Fresca. I've been off both since New Years but kind of going back to old habits. You motivate me! :0)

Barbara said...

I'm definitely an emotional eater and have had trouble trying to control it since I lost George. One day I feel as if I'm eating all day and other days everything tastes of cardboard and I can't be bothered.

I actually lost weight in my first couple of months of pregnancy because of nausea. Who'd have thought it!

I've battled with my weight for most of my life and the best advice I was ever given was to stop battling! DON'T to go on a diet but try to CHANGE your diet permanently. Think of it as being good to yourself, not a battle.

I'm still struggling but now trying to get back to being good to myself.

I wish you luck.


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