"You get what you pay for, but I just had no intention of living this way." -Counting Crows

Why We're Here...

My husband David and I delivered a stillborn Baby Boy that we loved, and wanted. Our first and only son, Logan, had Down Syndrome. Our daughter's smile is a little light in the darkness. She turned one year old three days after our sweet Logan tip-toed away on January 24, 2009. After 2 1/2 years we found out we were having another baby, whom we affectionatly called Rudy. Just shy of 6 weeks we found out Rudy was Ectopic. Rudy was surgically removed on May 26, 2011 delivering another blow to our already broken hearts.

I knew it would eventually happen...

So, it happened. I mean, I knew it would eventually happen…to one of them, but I have to say I was a little surprised…but then, not so much. One of my friends is pregnant, newly pregnant. They called to tell us the news yesterday. I was surprised that she was the one that got pregnant since another one of my friends has been trying to get pregnant for a few months now. We had quests here when we got the call, so maybe I was distracted by the company, but my first reaction was shock, then excitement, then pity for my other friend who I knew probably was jealously sad (as only a woman trying to conceive herself can be)…and only then did I get a weird twinge. Not anything real major, nothing that caused tears or even a lump in my throat; just a weird feeling. And I shamefully have to say I think it might have been skepticism, because as most women who have lost a baby would think after said loss, the baby isn’t here yet. That feeling makes me feel sad. I wish I still had that blissful ignorance. Anyhow, I ordered her a Maternity Record Book that I had also had for Logan and just loved. I know that when I got pregnant, either time, I was always so pleased that people gave a crap enough to honor my new baby. But, as I was checking out online I suddenly thought perhaps it was too soon to send a gift. I mean she’s probably only 6 weeks along tops, so what if she had an early miscarriage. Then she’d have this record book sitting around to make her sad. Then I thought about how I still filled in Logan’s record book even after he passed, and I went ahead and bought it. Those types of thoughts make me sick to my stomach. I was cynical before, but now I’m just cruel. I don’t know why I bought her a gift. The old me probably wouldn’t have done that. Not that I wouldn’t care or be happy, I just don’t think about doing things like that. I’d like to think I bought her a gift because I really am happy for her and I want to share in her joy. But I think part of me wants to unconsciously say to her, and everyone else, that I’m dealing and that I am not begrudging her any deserved happiness. She’s a great woman; I would never want to begrudge her of such a blessing. But it’s almost like maybe I’m trying too hard, trying to convince myself perhaps. But I am happy. I’m so happy that babies live. That miscarriages, and still births and infant deaths aren’t the norm. Don't get me wrong, I may freak out when their baby is born, especially if it’s a boy. I haven’t had to deal with that yet. No one I know up close has a baby. As I figure it the baby won’t be due until November. That’s nine months of healing and distance I can shove under my belt. I say shove because sometimes I feel like I am forcing myself to deal and heal. I just want it to be over, I hate unpleasant things, and upon talking with so many woman in similar shoes, I am faced with the fear that I will never “get over” my grief. Not that I think I should “get over” my son, but I had hope that I would move on and find the bliss I once had.

On a different note, part of me wonders if she’s sacred. Being pregnant is scary enough on its own merit, but when you have a friend who just gave birth to a dead baby with a serious defect, that just has to be very unnerving. I also wonder if she’s afraid to share her pregnancy with me. I’ll have to email her about that. I really think I’d like to be a part of her adventure. Part of me also wonders if she rushed into getting pregnant because of my tragedy. I’m 31; my son had Down Syndrome, a syndrome that most don’t equate with any pregnancy under 35. So I wonder if she got scared to wait (she’s 27). I hope not. I hope that I am being Narcissistic and that she didn’t give me and Logan a second thought. I hope that eventually I won’t think this way. But I’m scared for her. I find myself scared for all pregnant women now... and there’s that cynicism again.


Kritta22 said...

If she already knows she is prego, she'd have to be at least 5 weeks right? So she got prego right around the time you had Logan, or sooner. So in that case, I don't think you or Logan had anything to do with her getting prego.
I don't think that you are being cynic. Your eyes are now open to other things. You now know that it is real that babies can die. You don't want your friends to go through that pain, that real thing.
I would give her the book. I agree it shows a lot more than just a new pregnancy token. It shows that you are going to support her. It shows that you want to be a part of her new joy.
I don't know if I would email her just yet. Let her come to you with her concerns. She may not have event thought about the bad things that could happen yet. You don't wanna burst her bubble. She might take it the wrong way of you trying to bring her down. Not that you would do that at ALL. But I would wait for her.

Jenn said...

Hi Heather! I agree with the above comment... I would have done the same thing you did in buying your friend the book. But I also LOVE doing stuff like that for friends, sharing in their excitement. Over the past week I've found out that 3 of my friends are pregnant and all due in September. I'm making myself look at it as a good thing - as God showing me that it can happen again, reminding me that babies usually do live and survive and go on to leave happy, healthy lives. It gives me hope :)

As far as "getting over it", I'll be honest, I hope you NEVER get over it. We lost our sons, a piece of our soul, a member of our families. It will ALWAYS hurt when we think of them, but we will go on to live happy lives, be better people and be parents that our sons would be proud of. Does that make sense? There's a big difference between "getting over it" and moving onward and upward. Just a few thoughts for ya for today. :) Smile!

Anonymous said...

Hello...I'm new to your blog. 10 years ago, my husband and I decided to start our family. Within a couple short months, we were pregnant. Across the country, my BF and her husband started on the same road at the same time as us. She had a miscarriage. Since that time, I've had 4 uneventful pregnancies and discovered that we are, apparently, uber-fertile. She, however, has struggled with many miscarriages and heartbreak. With their doctor's help, they are now the proud parents of 2 year old twins. Our friendship was quite distant, simply because I was afraid to take my happiness and "rub it in her face." She might have been afraid to bring too much doom and gloom to our conversations.

The point of this really rambling post is that I hope you and your friend can be open and honest with each other. I hope you can look at her and not see what could have been. I hope you can see a really good friend who would love to share this incredible time with you. I hope she can look at you and not see what could happen. I hope she can see a good friend wants to offer support, friendship, and love.

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