"You get what you pay for, but I just had no intention of living this way." -Counting Crows

Why We're Here...

My husband David and I delivered a stillborn Baby Boy that we loved, and wanted. Our first and only son, Logan, had Down Syndrome. Our daughter's smile is a little light in the darkness. She turned one year old three days after our sweet Logan tip-toed away on January 24, 2009. After 2 1/2 years we found out we were having another baby, whom we affectionatly called Rudy. Just shy of 6 weeks we found out Rudy was Ectopic. Rudy was surgically removed on May 26, 2011 delivering another blow to our already broken hearts.


2 songs and a book

Ok, so riding the elliptical and listening to my tunes I heard this song by Brian Addams called "Please Forgive Me". Once again I cried like a baby. Here are the Lyrics:

It still feels like our first night together. Feels like the first kiss. It's getting better baby.
No one can better this. Still holding on. You're still the one. First time our eyes met,
Same feeling I get. Only feels much stronger. I wanna love you longer.
Do you still turn the fire on?
So if you're feeling lonely, don't. You're the only one I'll ever want. I only want to make it go.
So if I love you a little more than I should. Please forgive me, I know not what I do. Please forgive me, I can't stop loving you. Don't deny me, this pain I'm going through. Please forgive me, if I need you like I do. Please believe me (Oh believe it), every word I say is true. Please forgive me, I can't stop loving you.
Still feels like our best times are together. Feels like the first touch. Still getting closer baby. Can't get close enough. Still holding on. You're still number one.
I remember the smell of your skin. I remember everything. I remember all the moves. I remember you yeah. I remember the nights, you know I still do.
So if you're feeling lonely, don't. You're the only one I'll ever want. I only want to make it go. So if I love you a little more than I should. Please forgive me, I know not what I do. Please forgive me, I can't stop loving you. Don't deny me, this pain I'm going through. Please forgive me, if I need you like I do. Please believe me (Oh believe it), every word I say is true. Please forgive me, I can't stop loving you.
The one thing I'm sure of Is the way we make love. The one thing I depend on Is for us to stay strong. With every word and every breath I'm praying. That's why I'm saying.
Please forgive me, I know not what I do. Please forgive me, I can't stop loving you. Don't deny me, this pain I'm going through. Please forgive me, if I need you like I do. Babe believe it, every word I say is true. Please forgive me, if I can't stop loving you. No, believe, I don't know what I do. Please forgive me, I can't stop loving you. I can't stop loving you.


Obviously you have to ignore some of the more bedroomy type lines. More so I related to the Chorus. Or really I think what got me was the one part "Please forgive me, I know not what I do. Please forgive me, I can't stop loving you. Don't deny me, this pain I'm going through. Please forgive me, if I need you like I do" And not so much to my son, but more so to the rest of the world. As in, please forgive me for grieving, for not moving on, for not getting over it. Because, for me, to get over it means to stop loving my son. So, forgive me "real" world, I can't stop loving my son. And I really DON'T know what I'm doing. This is all so foreign to me. And I'm tired of feeling like I am being denied my right to go through this pain, this grieving. And forgive me for needing those around me for comfort. Forgive my inconvenient, and uncomfortable tragedy.
And then this part hit me deep too, "Still feels like our best times are together. Feels like the first touch. Still getting closer baby. Can't get close enough. Still holding on. You're still number one. I remember the smell of your skin. I remember everything. I remember all the moves. I remember you yeah. I remember the nights, you know I still do. So if you're feeling lonely, don't. You're the only one I'll ever want."

Then, and probably because I was already weepy, Paul Simon's song...Slip Sliding Away decided to punch me in the face..."I know a woman, became a wife. These are the very words she uses to describe her life. She said a good day ain't got no rain. She said a bad days when I lie in bed and think of things that might have been." And all I could think was "YEAH!!" But then this part "God only knows. God makes his plan. The information's unavailable to the mortal man. We work our jobs. Collect our pay. Believe were gliding down the highway, when in fact were slip slidin away" and all I could do was sigh. Because regardless of your beliefs it boils down to that one line "The information's unavailable to the mortal man."

I'm reading Elizabeth McCracken's book "An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination". It's similar to reading a blog. I'm little over half way through the book and it's basically her describing how it went for her, how she felt, how she coped. It's not a feel good book. It's not a how to survive book. It's just her story. But I have read two things that I find profound (to my little pea brain). At one point she says "Closure is bullshit" and it was like an "Ah ha!" moment for me! Because for so long now I keep searching for ways to find closure, and it's deeply concerned me that is doesn't seem that anyone in this club has found any. At least from where I stand. So to hear someone say "Closure is bullshit" was like hearing permission to stop looking, because I'm not going to find it. And suddenly closure didn't seem all that important to me anymore. It's odd how little things can leave such an impact on us.
"You can never guess at the complicated history of strangers" That was the other profound thing. I find myself going through days, seeing woman with babies, pregnant bellies...and I assume it's their first, or that everything is going just fine. In reality though, I don't know. Maybe they've had several dead babies. Maybe the child they're carrying is ill. Maybe they've been told that baby will die. Maybe not. But upon reading that I began to look at these woman differently. Because, after all, if they can't see my sign, than obviously I can't see theirs either. Anyhow, these are the ramblings of an exhausted, and sad woman who should be sleeping but is terrified to go to bed alone. So...at 1:30am, I sit her awaiting my husbands return so that I might find security beside me in my wretched bed.

4 comments:

Kritta22 said...

It's totally true. There isn't closer. I had to be slapped in the face with that one too.

And isn't it just crazy how you can hear a song for all your life then BAM, it makes you burst out crying. Jerk.

Hope your hubby is home now.

angie said...

I love those two lines too. Such an awesome book. Reading it made me feel like reading a smarter, much-more articulate version of my brain. But that line,"You can never guess at the complicated history of strangers." It really does nail it, doesn't it?

For what it is worth, I cried at the Curious George soundtrack in the car with my daughter yesterday, reading hidden meaning in Jack Johnson's lyrics about a monkey and a man who loves him...Sending you much love.

Mrs. Spit said...

Sending hugs. It was very liberating when I realized there would never be closure.

Ter said...

I totally relate to that Bryan Adams song and I often sing it (not that I can sing) when I'm thinking of my daughter (and now my husband). I agree, besides the bedroom-y lines the rest of the song makes me think of them. Seems like there are alot of songs like that.

The book, I recently read it too. I didn't much care for it. I mean some parts were good but it wasn't as good as I expected it to be after all the hype I read about it. Perhaps without the hype I would have liked it better? I don't know. I'm glad I read it though!

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