"You get what you pay for, but I just had no intention of living this way." -Counting Crows

Why We're Here...

My husband David and I delivered a stillborn Baby Boy that we loved, and wanted. Our first and only son, Logan, had Down Syndrome. Our daughter's smile is a little light in the darkness. She turned one year old three days after our sweet Logan tip-toed away on January 24, 2009. After 2 1/2 years we found out we were having another baby, whom we affectionatly called Rudy. Just shy of 6 weeks we found out Rudy was Ectopic. Rudy was surgically removed on May 26, 2011 delivering another blow to our already broken hearts.

Today is "a bad Logan day"

I am so sad today. I don't know what's wrong with me (more so now than any other day recently). I just feel so depressed and weepy and just down right miserable. For the most part, anymore, I float through my days. Most days I don't cry. Some days, like today, I sit at the kitchen table and bawl, like it's happened all over again. I don't know why it comes in waves. I don't like it. I'm so tired. I'm so blasted tired of crying, I don't even know how I CAN cry anymore. Next week will be three months. Three horrible, wretched, God forsaken months. I want this to just go away. I don't want to know, or remember or feel any of it anymore. Why today though? What is it about today that has me in a heap of tears?
Tomorrow's my birthday. I know everyone will want to celebrate. I don't want to celebrate. I don't even want it to come. I'm so full of confusion and anger and hatred and sorrow and every other emotion one can imagine...still...three months later. Not that I thought there would be a time limit. Not that I thought I'd wake up and poof, it would be over. But I wanted it to be. Seems like everyone else has forgotten. I talk about Logan all the time. "Before my son died..." "When my son died..." "After my son died..." "My son Logan..." Random thoughts that swirl around. Really, what is there to say about my son Logan? He was here for such a short time, and frankly...never really here. I can't talk about what he used to do, how he reminded me of his daddy. I can't talk about how he smelled, or what he looked like (other than he was red, tiny, had his sister's mouth, and her funky toe). I can only talk about the fact, I was pregnant...and my son died before I ever knew who he was. People don't know what to say to that. I don't know what to say to that. But it's all I have to say. I hate that.

Today is "a bad Logan day", that's what I call these days. Days when I don't want to function. Days when I hurt and ache all over through and through and don't know what to do or say about any of it. Days when I think maybe being drunk or high on a permanent basis really isn't such a bad idea. I keep thinking of this passage in the bible I read as a teen once, it's in Proverbs 31 "6 Give strong drink unto him that is ready to perish , and wine unto those that be of heavy hearts. 7 Let him drink , and forget his poverty, and remember his misery no more." and I think to myself "SEE!! Even God gets it a little!"
On Friday when we were garage saling, moments after my mobile post, we drove past the local church and the sign said "You will get through this" and I laughed and told my husband that it seemed ironic. It must be a sign! LOL! A real live sign. I saw it again today on the way to play group. Some folks would think that God is speaking to me. Be it what it may be, because frankly I'm not so sure what I believe anymore. But today, today it sounded differently to me. Not a promise, as it seemed on Friday. But a fact. "You WILL get through this" what other choice do I have but to get through it? This should be comforting to me. But, it's not. I know I'll get through it, but I don't want to. I don't want to have to. I have to wake up, and eat, and sleep and pee...I have to because my body demands that I do it. And so I feel like my soul demands that I get through "this" just as my body demanded that I go through birthing a dead baby, I had no choice. I'd have chosen differently.
Today is a bad day. Today I am weary. Today I am sad. Today I am so very, very tired.


Lea said...

Oh Heather, I hear the hurt in your words. I have those days too and often wonder what is so different about those days. It's not like I miss Nicholas any more on those days, I miss him with all my heart EVERY DAY.
So sorry this is a tough one. So sorry that any day has to be as hard as it is when we are missing our babies so much.

Hang in there.... xo

Mary said...

I hope your day gets "better". Just breathe. Logan is with you.

Mrs. Spit said...

Oh Heather. At 3 months the last of the shock wears away, and you are left holding all of this pain and sorrow and you become tired. It is an enormous weight to bear. Grieving is exhausting, all the more so because we must do it alone. No one can do it for you, and no one can truly do it with you. We can listen and nod, and understand, we who have been there, but we must allow you to grieve on your own. We can only hold your hand.

Would it help if I told that that it does get easier? That this terrible, awful weight eases up a bit? That it become easier to bear as you incorporate grief into your life? You will always hurt, but you will live too.

As I read your post, I remembered the words from Matthew (11:8) - Come to me all who are weary, and I will give you rest.

Praying for rest for you.

Living With Loss said...

Sorry today has been so difficult.

I won't wish you a happy birthday for tomorrow because I know you didn't want that - but I wish you a peaceful day full of healing.

Anonymous said...

I'm new to your blog, and so very sorry that Logan is not with you - I wish you never had to start this blog to remember Logan this way. I wish he was with you.

I just passed the 3 month mark myself (my daughter Rose was stillborn 1/19/09), and this milestone has really knocked me down as well. I feel as though I could have written this same post... Like you I thought that I would somehow have found a way to be feeling 'better' by now.

I am so very sorry Heather. I will be keeping you and little Logan in our prayers...for your birthday tomorrow and for the long days to come.


Ter said...


Grief is very energy-demanding. It wears you right out sometimes. It's not the crying or the being sad that takes all the work, it's the tryign to hold it together, be "normal" that's hard.

Anyway, I understand.

You're still early in your grief. Don't deny yourself those days where you just need to curl up in a ball and cry. Contrary to what "normals" think, get up and "pushing through" is not always the best method. Yes, some days you have to do that, but you have to allow yourself those down days to express and release some of the grief that's building up in your body.

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