"You get what you pay for, but I just had no intention of living this way." -Counting Crows

Why We're Here...

My husband David and I delivered a stillborn Baby Boy that we loved, and wanted. Our first and only son, Logan, had Down Syndrome. Our daughter's smile is a little light in the darkness. She turned one year old three days after our sweet Logan tip-toed away on January 24, 2009. After 2 1/2 years we found out we were having another baby, whom we affectionatly called Rudy. Just shy of 6 weeks we found out Rudy was Ectopic. Rudy was surgically removed on May 26, 2011 delivering another blow to our already broken hearts.


A little light in the darkness

A woman named Jen found Logan's blog yesterday (the post about his remains) while searching for info on stillborn autopsy's at U Of M. Sadly her son Will was stillborn this past Tuesday. Jen was kind enough to leave this comment:


"Our son, Will, was born still yesterday at 22 weeks. We also opted to have the autopsy at U of M. I linked to your site from a google search because I couldn't remember the doctor's name and I wanted to look him up. In any case, you should absolutely talk to someone there because we chose to have his ashes returned, which WAS an option--but it could take more than a year. I'm not sure how far along you were or where you live, (We live in the Detroit area) so maybe that is the difference. My OB thought that remains were not returned and was surprised by the form so maybe things have changed in the few months between our sad days. Given the delay though, perhaps you could find someone there that can help you. I'm not sure if I can help but if you think I could, email me. Good luck! Jen "


I can not begin to describe the emotions I have gone through the last 2 days. As I've stated in previous posts, I've had a hard time with not getting back Logan's remains...not knowing where he is. I know in my head HE is not anywhere here on earth. But I feel this strong instinct to protect him, even his empty shell. It's a weird feeling. So, when the above info came to me, I was beside myself. Jen later sent me some contact info for this Dr. Who, also is doing Logan's autopsy. I contacted them. Yes. They have changed their policies. Yes. We are able to get Logan's remains back. I cried and cried and cried. I can bring my son home. He can be here with me, at home...not some cold lab. Not some cold crypt. Here, in my warm house. Do you see what I mean? Logan is dead. He doesn't feel the cold, or the warmth. He doesn't know he's in a lab or here at home. He's NOT HERE! My brain knows this. My heart won't accept this. We have some time still to decide what we are going to do. It can take up to 6 months for them to finish the Autopsy. And THEN they'll contact us about the remains. Spending thousands on a crypt of our own seems foolish (that money could go to my living daughter). My husband has always reassured me that Logan being with other babies who have died seemed right. It seemed to fit. Having him buried off alone, where the world will forget him, seems cold. I've never been one to want any ones ashes in my home, but now that it's my son...I think I might. There's a lady who makes Teddy Bears to hold the urn...I might like that. I saw that on someone else's blog (a link) and I can't remember who anymore. The urn was sewn into the bears back (not holding it). Anyone know? Anyhow, I'm not sure how I feel about it all just yet. I'm not sure what I'm going to do just yet. I don't want to bum out David, and I don't want to bum out the muffin when she's older. I don't want to not be able to let Logan go because I am attached to his ashes. I don't want to be weighed down later in life, not feeling the freedom to bury him and move on. What if I lost them? What if we had a fire? What if the bear was damaged... What ifs. More and more what ifs. But right now, right now I am delighted with the option. I like having the option.

I am so greatful that Jen took time out of her own grief, the day after her own son was born dead, to help me out. It takes an extraordinary human being to come out of their own darkness to give hope and comfort to someone else. I am forever indebted to her. She gave me a little light in the drakness, and right now, it's the greatest gift I have received in the past two and a half months! Thank you so much Jen, from the deepest deep of my broekn heart.

15 comments:

Devon said...

wow, that is so amazing....i am so glad you can have your sons remains back. i know how much my little boys urn means to me so i can just imagine your excitement over this....

and what a kind person to reach out to you...how amazing.

HanamiPapa said...

I am so happy for you--what great news. From your post I can feel a great weight has been lifted. Now you can honor your son on your terms. This makes my cloudy day bright.

Living With Loss said...

That was so wonderful and kind of Jen and I am so pleaaed that she was strong enough to leave you a message. I am really pleased that you have this option now and can make your own decision. I know it won't be easy for you but at least it will be your decision and not one forced upon you because of rules and regulations. I'm just sorry the hospital didn't contact you when they changed their policy - they really should have.

Thinking of you.

Mary said...

Oh Heather that is the best news! I am glad that you are able to have that option. We buried Lukas and it is so nice to have a place to go to. It has all seemed like it has been a dream/nightmare. But when I go to see him, I know he was here. The what if's are awful but let your heart decide. He is and always be your son. No one can take that away from you ever.

Ter said...

I'm so glad she contacted you!

I don't know about there but some of our cemeteries also have what is called a niche on their grounds, basically it is a shelf with fire proof glass around it where you can put urns. It is above ground so you can see it. Many people decorate their niches with photos and other momentos. If having his remains at home are a little unsettling, that is another option. Right now I have both my husband and my daughter's urns here but eventually I will be getting a niche, for all 3 of us, because when I go I don't want anyone to feel obligated to take our urns.

Anyway, I'm just glad for you that there are more options, and that you can now make a choice, as opposed to feeling the finality of it without being able to choose what works best for you.

((many hugs!))

Mrs. Spit said...

Hi Heather. Gabriel is in an urn at home. If you have questions, send me an email. We were able to fit him in a memorial urn, which is very tiny - about 2 inches high. It was much more cost effective.

Send me an email if you have questions.

angie said...

How amazingly beautiful and fortuitous of Jen to share her knowledge in the midst of her swirling pain. In my area, the autopsy takes one-two days before you get the body. We used a private crematorium and got a little urn. There are many things you can do with the ashes beyond just having them. Plant a tree, which is what we are planning on doing at some point with some not all her ashes. I found this lovely site: http://memoryglass.com/ I was thinking about getting a pendant to carry Lucy with me. Anyway, google cremation memory and a ton of sites come up.

Sending you much love...you should have Logan's ashes with you.

CLC said...

Wow, what a gem this Jen is. And I can't believe she was able to do this one day after. I am glad you will be getting him back.

Barbara said...

Oh I'm so glad you can get Logan's ashes back.

Just a thought but Carly from Love reign over me had some of her son's ashes put into a pendant, maybe that would be a consideration.

I'm sure whatever you decide will be right for you.

xxx

my3sons said...

Hi,
The site www.huggableurns.com might have what you are looking for. I'm so pleased that you have the option to decide what happens to your childs ashes. I think It should be left to the parents ultimately. Thinking of you!

Julie said...

Thank goodness for the amazing kindness of strangers. What a wonderful woman Jen is. There are so many choices for Logan now, you will find one that is just right

"numb_was_better" said...

That's awesome. That last thing anyone wants during this orseal is any unresolved isses. I'm happy that YOU get to choose what happens with the remains.

Heather said...

It must be so comforting to know you will be able to have Logan returned to you. I don't think anyone would be bummed to have his ashes sweetly placed in a little teddy bear; I think it's beautiful idea. I saw these 2 teddies and thought maybe they were what you were what you might be looking for. You are continually in my thoughts and prayers.

http://www.perfectmemorials.com/tan-teddy-bear-cremation-urn-soft-and-huggable-p-2414.html OR http://theurnstore.com/hubekecrurn.html

Living With Loss said...

I have nominated you for the ‘Sisterhood Award’ because you are so courageous and I love your blog!

http://livingwithloss.blogspot.com/2009/04/sisterhood-award.html

Inanna said...

Oh mama, I'm so glad for you. What a wonderful gift Jen gave you. It never even occurred to me how I would feel if we didn't have our baby's ashes here... I'm angry he isn't *really* HOME... but now I can't imagine not knowing where he was, or what was happening to him.

I don't know how things are in your state, but here we can have a baby's ashes interred (or you can have a baby buried) at the foot of another grave, a grandparent for example, for free.

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