A little light in the darkness

A woman named Jen found Logan's blog yesterday (the post about his remains) while searching for info on stillborn autopsy's at U Of M. Sadly her son Will was stillborn this past Tuesday. Jen was kind enough to leave this comment:

"Our son, Will, was born still yesterday at 22 weeks. We also opted to have the autopsy at U of M. I linked to your site from a google search because I couldn't remember the doctor's name and I wanted to look him up. In any case, you should absolutely talk to someone there because we chose to have his ashes returned, which WAS an option--but it could take more than a year. I'm not sure how far along you were or where you live, (We live in the Detroit area) so maybe that is the difference. My OB thought that remains were not returned and was surprised by the form so maybe things have changed in the few months between our sad days. Given the delay though, perhaps you could find someone there that can help you. I'm not sure if I can help but if you think I could, email me. Good luck! Jen "

I can not begin to describe the emotions I have gone through the last 2 days. As I've stated in previous posts, I've had a hard time with not getting back Logan's remains...not knowing where he is. I know in my head HE is not anywhere here on earth. But I feel this strong instinct to protect him, even his empty shell. It's a weird feeling. So, when the above info came to me, I was beside myself. Jen later sent me some contact info for this Dr. Who, also is doing Logan's autopsy. I contacted them. Yes. They have changed their policies. Yes. We are able to get Logan's remains back. I cried and cried and cried. I can bring my son home. He can be here with me, at home...not some cold lab. Not some cold crypt. Here, in my warm house. Do you see what I mean? Logan is dead. He doesn't feel the cold, or the warmth. He doesn't know he's in a lab or here at home. He's NOT HERE! My brain knows this. My heart won't accept this. We have some time still to decide what we are going to do. It can take up to 6 months for them to finish the Autopsy. And THEN they'll contact us about the remains. Spending thousands on a crypt of our own seems foolish (that money could go to my living daughter). My husband has always reassured me that Logan being with other babies who have died seemed right. It seemed to fit. Having him buried off alone, where the world will forget him, seems cold. I've never been one to want any ones ashes in my home, but now that it's my son...I think I might. There's a lady who makes Teddy Bears to hold the urn...I might like that. I saw that on someone else's blog (a link) and I can't remember who anymore. The urn was sewn into the bears back (not holding it). Anyone know? Anyhow, I'm not sure how I feel about it all just yet. I'm not sure what I'm going to do just yet. I don't want to bum out David, and I don't want to bum out the muffin when she's older. I don't want to not be able to let Logan go because I am attached to his ashes. I don't want to be weighed down later in life, not feeling the freedom to bury him and move on. What if I lost them? What if we had a fire? What if the bear was damaged... What ifs. More and more what ifs. But right now, right now I am delighted with the option. I like having the option.

I am so greatful that Jen took time out of her own grief, the day after her own son was born dead, to help me out. It takes an extraordinary human being to come out of their own darkness to give hope and comfort to someone else. I am forever indebted to her. She gave me a little light in the drakness, and right now, it's the greatest gift I have received in the past two and a half months! Thank you so much Jen, from the deepest deep of my broekn heart.