"You get what you pay for, but I just had no intention of living this way." -Counting Crows

Why We're Here...

My husband David and I delivered a stillborn Baby Boy that we loved, and wanted. Our first and only son, Logan, had Down Syndrome. Our daughter's smile is a little light in the darkness. She turned one year old three days after our sweet Logan tip-toed away on January 24, 2009. After 2 1/2 years we found out we were having another baby, whom we affectionatly called Rudy. Just shy of 6 weeks we found out Rudy was Ectopic. Rudy was surgically removed on May 26, 2011 delivering another blow to our already broken hearts.


Picking at the festering scab.

I'm out garage saling. It's our towns biannual city wide garage sale. It's a huge event that we look forward to all winter long. Especially this winter. My husband even took the day off of work. We love to garage sale. Love it! Sigh. But I didn't realize how sad it would make me. For months I thought about things I needed for the new baby, things I wanted to get. And there they are, everywhere. Little reminders of what is not. I bought these cute little things this morning, baby girl update cards. I wouldn't have been able to buy them if they were for a boy. But they were so cute. I have 2 friends who are pregnant, or maybe for me. Maybe next time... I went to pay and she asked me if I was having a girl. It took me off guard. I answered that I already had one and pointed at my daughter. Then my husband came to the rescue and mentioned my friends. Nothing big. But it struck me funny. Tiny reminders. Always stupid reminders. He just asked me if I was having fun. Sigh. Yes...no. Crap! I don't need reminders. I didn't forget. And it makes my heart ache so bad! I want to buy the cuddly swing I had my eye on. I want to buy the door plaque I saw this morning. I want to stop and rummage through all of the baby stuff. I wanna talk about him. He should've been here in 4 weeks now. I should be sitting here in this car because i'm exhausted and sore... Not because i'm blue and it's just easier to say my daughter needs a nap so I'll wait in the car with her. Why isn't it enough that my son died? Why does it have to be a daily reminder in every thing I do and try to enjoy? I wonder if my husband is blue today too. He sees this stuff too. He loves to hunt for things, and I know he was super geeked to find stuff for our son. He's good at hiding it. Everything is ruined for me, it seems. Tiny reminders in everything I do and see and hear. It's like picking at a scab. A festering wound that just doesn't want to heal. My sons been dead for 3 months now. Three wretched months. On this beautiful warm sunny day, it just doesn't seem possible.
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9 comments:

Inanna said...

It's SO.NOT.FAIR. We lose our babies... then we have to birth them still... THEN we have to mourn them. Over. And Over. And Over. Everything I see or do or say has the potential to remind me. Makes me want to hide in a closet...

Mrs. Spit said...

Oh Heather, I'm sorry.

This is when my mother would hug me and remind me that it had ONLY been 3 months.

Hugs

Ter said...

((hugs))
I know what you mean, all the reminders.

Barbara said...

Oh yes. We go to car boot sales (big markets where people sell out of their cars) and yes, there are all the things we might have needed, would have bought, still so want to buy.

xxx

Sanchez Stories said...

You need a cyber hug....
I understand, I don't blog about it, but I understand.....

Kritta22 said...

Oh HOney Bunny! I wish I could just give you a huge hug and a hot chocolate!

I have those feelings EVERY stinking time I walk past the baby section with the new Easter dresses or suits. IT's like they are yelling at me, "You can't buy me cuz you don't have a baby!"

CLC said...

Thinking of you. I don't know if the disbelief ever goes away.

Living With Loss said...

These reminders are so painful.

I am sure your husband feels sad when he sees these things too, but he's probably trying to be strong for you - I know that's what my husband does.

Anonymous said...

May the Lord give you the strength and wisdom as you grieve this heart ache. My Papap went to Glory and the songs you chose are a great comfort. He told me that we are all here on loan from God...and when God wants us HOME, He calls us because we are all His children. I bet Papap and Logan have met in Heaven and are in "Their Glory" just waiting for us to be called up. No more pain or tears there. I believe pain,sorrow and violence are only here on earth and not a permanent. Hope to see you all in Heaven in God's time. Carole and Mojo in Tucson, AZ

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