"You get what you pay for, but I just had no intention of living this way." -Counting Crows

Why We're Here...

My husband David and I delivered a stillborn Baby Boy that we loved, and wanted. Our first and only son, Logan, had Down Syndrome. Our daughter's smile is a little light in the darkness. She turned one year old three days after our sweet Logan tip-toed away on January 24, 2009. After 2 1/2 years we found out we were having another baby, whom we affectionatly called Rudy. Just shy of 6 weeks we found out Rudy was Ectopic. Rudy was surgically removed on May 26, 2011 delivering another blow to our already broken hearts.

Under the Tree Questions for March

Do you have a special place in your home for your baby?
No. I have been toying with the idea to do so. At the moment my son is scattered through out the house. His name print from my cousin is in the dining room. His memory box and blanket are sitting in the trunk in my bedroom, but it also spends a lot of time in my scrapbook room. I recently received an Afghan in memory of Logan, I've yet to decide where to keep that. I would like to have a special place for my son, I'm just not sure where to do it, or what I want it to be like.

Do you have any rituals that you perform in memory of your baby?
I used to look at his pictures every night, or touch his blanket on the way to bed. But after a while I began to think it just made me sadder, so I stopped. I guess now I would have to say that my ritual is blogging about my grief.

If you believe in an afterlife, do you receive signs from your baby? Have you ever felt their presence? Do you find them in nature? Do they visit you in your dreams?
I believe in an afterlife. And no. I do not receive signs, feel his presence or see him in nature. I have begged God to give me dreams of my son, but I have yet to receive any.

Do you have a special poem, song, prayer or quote in memory of your baby?
Yes. Several. I wrote my son a poem to go on his cover page of his scrapbook. It reads like this:
"Sweet baby, you tip-toed in and out so quietly, your life but a whisper in this world. Such a tiny hand that left an enormous imprint on this heart. My first son, how quickly we did part. A lifetime of love I have for you, now trapped in this heart that breaks a million times each day. Your eyes; a beauty I’ll never see, your cries; music for no ones ears and your smile is for God alone to enjoy. Sweet baby, you tip-toed in and out so quietly, but your life was no whisper in Mommy’s world."
I also like the verse that my cousin used on his name print from Samuel 12:23 "He shall not return to me...but I shall go to him." And just about every sad love song I hear reminds me of my Logan. Music "speaks" to me. It would be far to hard for me to name them all.


Rebekah said...

That's a beautiful poem- thank you for sharing it. I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious Logan. It's hard waiting to go to our babies but I like the verse your cousin used too.

Danielle Holsapple said...

Thank you so much for sharing about your precious little Logan. (HUGS)

janesk8 said...

Thanks for sharing Logan.
You are a wonderful Mummy- I can tell by the way you honour him in your writing.

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