"You get what you pay for, but I just had no intention of living this way." -Counting Crows

Why We're Here...

My husband David and I delivered a stillborn Baby Boy that we loved, and wanted. Our first and only son, Logan, had Down Syndrome. Our daughter's smile is a little light in the darkness. She turned one year old three days after our sweet Logan tip-toed away on January 24, 2009. After 2 1/2 years we found out we were having another baby, whom we affectionatly called Rudy. Just shy of 6 weeks we found out Rudy was Ectopic. Rudy was surgically removed on May 26, 2011 delivering another blow to our already broken hearts.

Lack of sleep, nightmares, dieting, and blogging

I'm not sleeping. I fall asleep. I stay asleep. I don't realize that I'm not "sleeping" but every morning, regardless if I've had 10 hours of sleep or 4 hours, I feel like I have a hang over. I feel like I haven't slept at all. It takes me a few hours to rev up and get moving (which isn't cool when you have a very active toddler!). It takes me a good half hour to 45 minutes of hearing my daughter chatter away in her crib (and eventually holler) to wake me up every morning. My husband told me today that I toss and turn all night long. So bad in fact that he is thinking of sleeping in the guest room. That is so NOT something I can cope with right now. I need him in bed with me. I need to feel his warmth and comfort and sureness. I need that security. I can't have him sleeping in another bed because I'm a maniac at night and it keeps him awake (he's a very light sleeper). I'm at a loss as to what to do about this. I need rest. I need to feel refreshed in the morning, not like I was at a rave all night long. It's been two and a half months of this. I'm tired. I'm drained.

I'm having nightmares again. I say again because it seems like every time I am in a stressful time in my life I am plagued with horrific nightmares (I once mutilated my BFF with Freddy Kruger nails). I say horrific because they are straight out of a horror movie. I don't watch horror movies. I don't even like suspense movies. But I am back to dreaming horrific things that terrify me at night. My latest one, I lost my daughter in a store (I already get the symbolism here). I went searching for her and ended up in a valley like park with a pond. It was a beautiful serene place. There were tons of kids. No daughter. But the park was a holding tank of sorts for imprisoned kids for child molesters. Hundreds of kids. And then I see a group of men come walking (or running) in from a pathway through the tree's, menacingly. The kids all scream. One guy makes a comment about being 22 years old (would LOVE to know why 22!) and then I woke up. 7am. Heart racing. And it dawns on me...my daughter wasn't there. Which is good. It didn't bother (the awake) me that I didn't find her, but I was so relieved that I didn't dream she was in this horrible holding tank of molested children. Anyhow, so this is torturing me again too because I can't keep myself from dreaming or having nightmares. For most of my life I used to pray to God that I could sleep and not have nightmares. I have always had such graphic horrifying nightmares. When I was 4 or 5 years old I had a recurring dream about driving over a local bridge and my younger brother who was an infant falling out of the car and over the side of the bridge. The end always ended differently. Sometimes he'd fall into a boat, sometimes my older brother would rescue him, sometimes he'd fall into the water. What 5 year old dreams that sort of horror? I know that I was 4 or 5 because of my brothers age at the time. That dream has stuck with me through the past 27 years. I don't like having such graphic night horrors. It makes me feel "messed up". I don't like that. I have asked my husband in the past if he dreams horrible graphic dreams like that. He does not. That makes me feel weird.

I've mentioned before that I started a diet blog with my girl friend (who, by the way, only needs to get in shape...not diet!). We've been going about it for a month now. I am so frustrated. I am up a half a pound from where I was a month ago. Anyhow, I wrote this about it and I was hoping for some input from some of you ladies (and men) who've been in similar shoes. So much of my emotions have been tied in with this weight loss crap, and I am getting really frustrated. Actually, I'm starting to feel like a failure. Like I'm just not tough enough to hack it. Maybe this isn't the "time" for me to be trying to loose weight, but I want to anyway. I need to feel like I can control something, even if it's as trite as my diet. I read on Jen's blog today that she ran 8 miles in one day while on vacation in Hawaii. My first thought was WOW!! My second was, "Sheesh...while on vacation??" I would love to know how to get into that mind set where I want to run, even while on vacation. To exercise because I want to, not because I should, or because I think I have to. I want to eat healthy so that my body and my mind feel better. I feel like crap about two minutes after I gorge. I feel sluggish when I don't eat healthy food. I want to get into the mind set of being a healthy person in all facets, naturally (by this I mean with out thinking about it). Where I don't give it a second thought. I don't think twice about using olive oil. I used to. I used to hem and haw about cooking in which kind of oil. Now, most of the time, I grab the olive oil with out a thought. That's how I want all of it to be. I've tried off and on for years. Any thoughts on how to just be a healthy person, naturally? That questions seems too simplistic. Obviously I can't wave a magic wand and "Tah dah" poof I'm a healthy thinking person. But I would love to know how to start moving in that direction when I feel like I have so much emotional baggage now.

Weird post tonight I know. My husband is playing cards with some of his buds, and originally I had planned to scrapbook. I never quite made it off of Blogger and down into my scrapbook room (Yes, I am such a devote scrapper that I have a room). I had gotten a little behind on the 20+ blogs that I read (whew, don't miss a few days or it takes hours to catch up). I want to read everything that everyone writes. I'm always afraid I'll miss something important or big. Or an opportunity to holler out a "Me too!!" or a chance to send a (((HUG))). Blogging has become an obsession with me. Reading and writing. I feel comfortable here. Accepted, understood, at home. You all acknowledge my pain and loss. You all "get it" like no one in the "real" world seems to. How can I expect them too? So I come here to find comfort and understanding. Like I said to Mary "We come here to cry in private. We shed our virtual tears with our virtual friends, in our virtual reality...the only reality that seems real anymore" (ooh, and she writes beautiful poetry, you should meander on over and take a peek). But I started to wonder this evening if I am hiding here. And, if I am, is that bad? Am I going to end up some crazy lady who walks around muttering to herself (things I want to blog, I am sure) that people whisper about at the playground (that's a shout out to you Angie)? I don't want to be some weirdo locked away in baby loss blog land...but I like it here.


Mrs. Spit said...

I struggled to sleep after Gabe died. It was just horrible. Finally, my doc told me something quite sensible. If you aren't sleeping, your body can't cope, you will become more depressed.

I needed the sleeping pills. Not for long, about 2 months, but oh they made such a difference.

Molly said...

Hey, I don't know how you feel about taking drugs to help solve a short term problem, but ambien works for me. I haven't been able to sleep on my own since I lost my son Colden a little over 3 months ago. I take ambien and fall into to a deep, dreamless sleep. It's prescription only so you have to ask the dr for it, but it knocks me out cold for 7-8 hours and then I'm not groggy. Hang in there.

Lea said...


You do what you need to do to put one foot in front of the other right now. That's all any of us can do and if that means "obsessing" in blog land, so be it. You're right. We all understand here... we can all offer some kind of support, maybe advice.. most importantly we are here for each other and we do not judge.

I am still extremely tired... every morning (5 months out). Like you, it hurts to wake up most mornings. All of these emotions take everything out of you (not to mention parenting a toddler).

Strength to you, my dear, "hide away" in blog land if that is what helps you.


Jenn said...

Don't feel upset or anything about my 8 mile run... I've been a runner since I was 11 years old and it's what I do to do nothing. Sounds weird, but when I run I do just that, run. I usually don't think or anything... just run and listen to my music, and occasionally try to sing along, at least in my mind. Running is my time away from everything else in the world, unless I have to take Tegan with me and then it's not as much fun. You'd think it would be because it'd be a time for us together, but it's not because it's always been MY TIME AWAY, you know? That 8 mile run was a surprise. I told myself I was just gonna go and then I found myself who knows how far away from our condo and my playlist was done and I realized that I hadn't turned around yet - that's how zoned out I was. HA!

Another thing, try getting outside for your exercise if you can. I can't tell you how AMAZING the fresh air has been and how healing it is - 30 degrees or 85 degrees, it's still fresh air.

With regards to sleeping: I've been plagued with the same horrific and strange nightmares as long as I can remember. I still remember one I had at 3 years old! YES... and I only know this because it was before my sister was born. I pray and pray that I can sleep well and sometimes I do and sometimes I don't. My mom's prayer group prayed over a down blanket (there's a verse about how Jesus will cover you with his feathers like a blanket and protect you) and it's strange, but when I sleep with that blanket over the comforter I don't have my nightmares, but if it falls off the bed I will. WEIRD!!!

Good luck with everything and keep praying for you!!!! :)

Ter said...

((Hugs)) I understand those nights where you sleep and wake up feeling like you haven't slept in a week/month/year!

I know those nightmares, and they are so awful and yet so realistic and that's a hard feeling to shake. I'm like you, very restless in my sleep, and I wake up feeling like I really was in that dream. Maybe this is my dream and that's my real life? Sometimes I wonder.

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