"You get what you pay for, but I just had no intention of living this way." -Counting Crows

Why We're Here...

My husband David and I delivered a stillborn Baby Boy that we loved, and wanted. Our first and only son, Logan, had Down Syndrome. Our daughter's smile is a little light in the darkness. She turned one year old three days after our sweet Logan tip-toed away on January 24, 2009. After 2 1/2 years we found out we were having another baby, whom we affectionatly called Rudy. Just shy of 6 weeks we found out Rudy was Ectopic. Rudy was surgically removed on May 26, 2011 delivering another blow to our already broken hearts.

I'm tired of being blue

Today was play group. I've decided that I am starting to hate the radio. I love country music, I do. I'm into words. I love beautiful words, and I love how people use them to describe their lives, their love, their pain...all of it. The "music" part of it is just fluff for me. I like the words. Which means, I listen to the words of the song. And as you have all noticed, I'm sure, I project them onto myself. So, I heard another song for Logan this morning. I can't remember what it is now, but it made me blue on the way to play group. I'm tired of feeling blue. I used to think I was a relatively happy person, cynical, pessimistic...but generally happy (as long as there wasn't some idiotic drama being thrust upon me by others). But now I just feel blue all the time. Even when I do laugh, I still have a shroud hanging over me. It's exhausting, this grief stuff. And I am starting to see how it affects everything I say, everything I think, and everything I do. I don't like being controlled. And I think this grief crap is controlling me. And I am frustrated in knowing that I will always have this with me. Yea, yea...I know...it gets easier. But it never leaves, and I don't like the thought of that. I am an extremely impatient person, and well...you just can't hurry the grief process along now can you?! Can you? No. I didn't think so. So, that leaves me feeling blue also. I want to be normal again. I want to tell my new friends about the Afghan that Chandos made me for Logan's memory, with out feeling hesitant that I'll bring a heaviness to the air. I want to see U of M clothing (because here in Michigan it's EVERYWHERE!!) with out thinking about my son's dead body. I want to be able to feel and do and express myself how, when and where I like, when the notion strikes, with out the second thoughts of how those around me may be affected. I want to say "Oh hey, I saw this little outfit today that I would have so bought if my little Logan was here" with out knowing that the person would look at me with those eyes. I want to be able to talk about Logan with out everyone getting sad about it, with out seeming pathetic or crazy. And not just about the tragic stuff, but the dreams I had, the things I would have done...even the mundane things like an outfit. I want to wear his tiny tag with out people asking what it says...then the inevitable questions that would surely follow...then the explanation...then those eyes. I want to just be able to listen to the flippin' radio again and not relate everything to my son. I want the old normalcy back. I don't want a new normal. The old one was just fine. I feel conquered, beat down, smothered. Smothered by this heavy cloak known as grief. Today, I feel like I am suffocating.


"numb_was_better" said...

I know how much you hate to have people look at you with pity so I have a suggestion. Obscene t-shirts. People will be giving you looks but it won't be pity and you'll be in control. :-)

Jason said...

I understand how you feel. You are not alone. The part that really stinks like you said is not being able to express yourself because of how you may affect someone. How crazy is that, we are worried about how someone else is going to feel and we are the people in pain! We have to tip-toe..? Really?! Society generally will give us about a month and then expect us to be back to normal. It's been a little over three years and I'm far from the way I was or normal—forever changed we are. My question is does society really expect us to forget our children and move on? Yeah right not me. Nicolas was here, he was loved and all that I do now is in honor and remembrance of him. Peace be with you take slow deep breaths. I feel your pain and frustration.


mom2nji said...

In some ways, it seems like just yesterday, I felt exactly the same. That pity look never stops when it comes to my angel, but the change is, I just dont care anymore about what people think. One day soon you will wake up and the pain will still be there, but it won't occupy almost every thought. You will be able to have a conversation or listen to the radio without feeling blue or constantly reminded of who is missing from your life. There WILL be a day where it will be easy to breathe again. Until that day comes, I will be praying for to find peace. Dont know if what I typed makes sense, but I am sorry for what you are going through.

Carly Marie said...

Its 1:30am and I can't think straight so I have no real good advice. I can only send you my love :)

Carly xxxx

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