I'm tired of being blue

Today was play group. I've decided that I am starting to hate the radio. I love country music, I do. I'm into words. I love beautiful words, and I love how people use them to describe their lives, their love, their pain...all of it. The "music" part of it is just fluff for me. I like the words. Which means, I listen to the words of the song. And as you have all noticed, I'm sure, I project them onto myself. So, I heard another song for Logan this morning. I can't remember what it is now, but it made me blue on the way to play group. I'm tired of feeling blue. I used to think I was a relatively happy person, cynical, pessimistic...but generally happy (as long as there wasn't some idiotic drama being thrust upon me by others). But now I just feel blue all the time. Even when I do laugh, I still have a shroud hanging over me. It's exhausting, this grief stuff. And I am starting to see how it affects everything I say, everything I think, and everything I do. I don't like being controlled. And I think this grief crap is controlling me. And I am frustrated in knowing that I will always have this with me. Yea, yea...I know...it gets easier. But it never leaves, and I don't like the thought of that. I am an extremely impatient person, and well...you just can't hurry the grief process along now can you?! Can you? No. I didn't think so. So, that leaves me feeling blue also. I want to be normal again. I want to tell my new friends about the Afghan that Chandos made me for Logan's memory, with out feeling hesitant that I'll bring a heaviness to the air. I want to see U of M clothing (because here in Michigan it's EVERYWHERE!!) with out thinking about my son's dead body. I want to be able to feel and do and express myself how, when and where I like, when the notion strikes, with out the second thoughts of how those around me may be affected. I want to say "Oh hey, I saw this little outfit today that I would have so bought if my little Logan was here" with out knowing that the person would look at me with those eyes. I want to be able to talk about Logan with out everyone getting sad about it, with out seeming pathetic or crazy. And not just about the tragic stuff, but the dreams I had, the things I would have done...even the mundane things like an outfit. I want to wear his tiny tag with out people asking what it says...then the inevitable questions that would surely follow...then the explanation...then those eyes. I want to just be able to listen to the flippin' radio again and not relate everything to my son. I want the old normalcy back. I don't want a new normal. The old one was just fine. I feel conquered, beat down, smothered. Smothered by this heavy cloak known as grief. Today, I feel like I am suffocating.